I just need someone to talk to

I keep getting really low at night when my insomnia's playing up and I'm alone. Like at 4am I'm the only one awake out of everyone I know, there's nowhere I can go and nobody I can go to. It's funny, people say you can contact them at any time day or night and they'll be there but get pissy when you wake them up, like yeah that's gonna persuade me not to top myself. To be honest I think I'd be able to cope a bit better if there was just somebody to talk to when I feel like that. There are people that say that they're there for me but they have a line, like it's all cool and they're ok being my anchor and I can jabber away about anything, but then I come to their line, where I begin to step from the side where I can talk freely to the side where there are things I can't talk about. And those are the things I need to talk about. I need to tell someone about the times I was sexually abused and nearly raped, about why I self harm, my nightmares, why I get so low, what I'm scared of. And not just talk about them in the sense that theyre there, I need to talk about what happened, WHY things are like this for me, the details. But nobody wants to hear things like that or see me breakdown or hold me and wait out my flashbacks with me and calm me down afterwards while I scream and shake and cry and lose grip of reality. People say they'll support you no matter what but nobody is willing to help in any way that will make a difference. No wonder I don't trust people and get worse and worse each day.