I Just lost It
I've been doing pretty good with the tears and I've been fortunate that I have yet to be driven to anger in this experience that we call grief, but the both of them just got the better of me a minute or so ago and I really needed to vent.
As I've been slowly returning to doing some of the things I used to enjoy, I was visiting one of my favorite political blog sites, (yes, I'm one of those guys), called Briebart.com. There was a video clip that caught my attention and I made the mistake of watching it.
But first, for those who don't already know this, during my wife Barbara's last month of life, her cancer had ravaged her body without mercy. While the Hospice Staff truly were angels, they were only there briefly to check on her. It was my job to care for her, and I did so willingly, and I believe, lovingly. She was unable to feed herself as she had no control over her muscles and her mind was playing tricks on her. I had to feed her like an infant. The same with liquids. When she could not & would not accept any nourishment or fluids, I had to provide for her comfort and pain management via suppository. This violation of her dignity was done as respectfully as I could possibly do such a thing. It was not pleasant for me and I am sure she felt the same. This went on for that whole month.
I was angry, I was hurt; it embarrassed me; and it frustrated me. I did not wish to do it anymore. But I knew that it was NOT her fault. It was cancer's fault, and my anger was directed there. God, in his mercy finally called her home to Him and relieved us both of our burdens. I have managed to refrain from dwelling on the experience as I wanted to remember her as the healthy, buxom woman she was.
The mistake I made today was watching a video of a 92 year old woman being "cared" for by a 52 year old professional "care giver." This beast was filmed slapping, shoving, throwing, jamming food into her mouth, and just in general mistreating this poor woman. She was manhandled. I could not take my eyes off of what I was seeing.
I thought of Barbara, unable to fend for herself, and I watched this sweet lady in the same situation. Only she was being mercilessly abused, and could do nothing to protect herself.
And the tears just came in buckets and I just got more angry than I have been in a very, very long time. Many of us have been there, I've read your stories. We all of us have had our moments of anger, frustration and the whole lot of bad feelings, but to treat another human being in this manner?
So I ask no one in particular. Where is the compassion? Where is the humanity? Have we reached such a level of degradation where we can allow these evil people to care for those who cannot care for themselves? I've made a lot of progress in the nearly three months since Barbara died. This takes me back a step or two.
No song. No video. Just venting. Got it off my chest and gave it to God. Life's good......................
As I've been slowly returning to doing some of the things I used to enjoy, I was visiting one of my favorite political blog sites, (yes, I'm one of those guys), called Briebart.com. There was a video clip that caught my attention and I made the mistake of watching it.
But first, for those who don't already know this, during my wife Barbara's last month of life, her cancer had ravaged her body without mercy. While the Hospice Staff truly were angels, they were only there briefly to check on her. It was my job to care for her, and I did so willingly, and I believe, lovingly. She was unable to feed herself as she had no control over her muscles and her mind was playing tricks on her. I had to feed her like an infant. The same with liquids. When she could not & would not accept any nourishment or fluids, I had to provide for her comfort and pain management via suppository. This violation of her dignity was done as respectfully as I could possibly do such a thing. It was not pleasant for me and I am sure she felt the same. This went on for that whole month.
I was angry, I was hurt; it embarrassed me; and it frustrated me. I did not wish to do it anymore. But I knew that it was NOT her fault. It was cancer's fault, and my anger was directed there. God, in his mercy finally called her home to Him and relieved us both of our burdens. I have managed to refrain from dwelling on the experience as I wanted to remember her as the healthy, buxom woman she was.
The mistake I made today was watching a video of a 92 year old woman being "cared" for by a 52 year old professional "care giver." This beast was filmed slapping, shoving, throwing, jamming food into her mouth, and just in general mistreating this poor woman. She was manhandled. I could not take my eyes off of what I was seeing.
I thought of Barbara, unable to fend for herself, and I watched this sweet lady in the same situation. Only she was being mercilessly abused, and could do nothing to protect herself.
And the tears just came in buckets and I just got more angry than I have been in a very, very long time. Many of us have been there, I've read your stories. We all of us have had our moments of anger, frustration and the whole lot of bad feelings, but to treat another human being in this manner?
So I ask no one in particular. Where is the compassion? Where is the humanity? Have we reached such a level of degradation where we can allow these evil people to care for those who cannot care for themselves? I've made a lot of progress in the nearly three months since Barbara died. This takes me back a step or two.
No song. No video. Just venting. Got it off my chest and gave it to God. Life's good......................
Replies
I\'m sorry.
I work in healthcare and I do not Our elders are children of God too.
my friend,
what you saw was intolerable..and so much that is intolerable goes on in our universe. It is in the end inexplicable.....
of course you are angry.....you have been thru hell and watched you beloved wife go thru hell and lost the comfort and security of your material world. if you were not angry along with sad bereft, etc you would be neither human nor alive, and you are very much both,
time to take care of you now my friend, some rest, some sleep, some relaxing music...we are here and will be........
your wife knew, I am sure of it, what loving good care you gave her.....the circumstances were difficult, but in the end, love is all.....
my friend,
what you saw was intolerable..and so much that is intolerable goes on in our universe. It is in the end inexplicable.....
of course you are angry.....you have been thru hell and watched you beloved wife go thru hell and lost the comfort and security of your material world. if you were not angry along with sad bereft, etc you would be neither human nor alive, and you are very much both,
time to take care of you now my friend, some rest, some sleep, some relaxing music...we are here and will be........
your wife knew, I am sure of it, what loving good care you gave her.....the circumstances were difficult, but in the end, love is all.....
It\'s sad and there \"but for the grace of God\" a lot of our loved ones would have been. I too cared for Jim\'s needs and I loved and hated it all at the same time. My tall, strong dignified husband was also reduced to infancy as his cancer ravaged his body and I was powerless to stop it. In the end, we did the best that we could do to help our loved ones with their passage and now they are beyond the pain and sorrow of this world and are at peace. I wonder if I ever will be.......all I really know now is that I am changed forever......and I am not yet at peace with any of it.
Joe,
This world is full...full...of abuses. What you saw, on that website, was but one of many hundreds of personal abuses that occur in a lot of places around this world.
Children, the elderly, the sick...the lame...the mentally compromised...are abused...and it\'s a horrible, horrible truth. There is no way to stop these kinds of things...it\'s our world and it\'s been this way for a long time.
That\'s not to say it\'s right...it\'s wrong.
But, while that was this older ladies plight and I\'m glad her abuser was caught, it was not your wife\'s reality. The best of a bad, bad situation was had and...thank God and thank you that this is the way things happened.
Bless You! This is the way it\'s supposed to be and it\'s the way it goes the vast majority of the time. Nevertheless, bad things do happen.
What you saw retraumatized you and your emotions.
I would recommend steering completely clear of anything that you do know is not positive. Stay away and stay out of conflicts and difficulties. You are in a healing process and you are due rest and relaxtion...and complete peace.
The life issue for your wife is over and she\'s better now. She\'s not suffering.
But you are. So, you\'ve got to be your own best friend here and choose better for yourself.
You also need trauma based therapy to help bring out your pain and give you the opportunity to emote all those things you repressed for so long.
If you need to cry, cry. If you need to scream, scream. Let it out...
Write here on DS...let your hurt and your despair flow. Write you memories with your non-dominant hand...this will help you reintegrate some of the emotional content to your autobiographical memory.
Keep working on your emotions, keep resting your body, keep praying to our God for your healing.
You\'ve got a way to go.
Love in Him!!!!
The best gift we give to those we love is compassion.Once we give it away, it bounces around like a beach ball,touching everyone we come into contact with.Have fun at the beach,Joe.
Hi Joe,
There is no excuse for mistreating anyone, much less the weak and helpless. I understand caregiver burn-out, but that\'s when it\'s time to find help, not get mean. I think one reason why it makes us feel so crazy is that whoever is taking care of that old lady doesn\'t appreciate her... you would have loved to have another year or more with your wife and didn\'t have that chance. Life is not fair.
Peace, my friend. Breathing. Letting it out.
Sarah
l also cared for my husband and did everything for him,just like you did,lt is a very hard thing to do,to watch our loved ones slowly die and care for them as best we can,but we all did lt out of love and with alot of compassion.however,in this world there are some awful people who are not very compassionate towards others,how they can treat people like this is beyond me,but they do,it goes on all over the world.take care
Alice
Joe,
I pray that that video does not represent the feeling or actions of the caring community. Rene\'s mother was in a nursing home for about a year three years prior to Rene\'s death. That place was very respectful to her mother. We came and went at all hours of the day and late night. Pray for those that are at the mercy of others.
Dave
I am so sorry you experienced this video at a time when you felt you had made some gains in your grief path...there will set backs and then you will go forward. 3 months is not a long time to get a grip on this whole process. I am at 10 and half months and the Grief Support Group I have been going to tells us that everyone is different and we will have good minutes, hours and finally days before we have those very sad or angry moments...My Mother is 88 and in a nursing home and I can tell you they call me if she gets a scratch on her..they treat her wonderfully...hugs Ellen
Lost MOM In 2008, I Used To GO to The Resthome Everyday, People Would say To Me NOBODY Goes To Those Resthomes Everyday, I Would say I Am NOT Everybody !!!
That was My Mom,
She Had Broken Her HIP Twice, The Last Time She just Gave Up...
I should Be Happy I had Her for as Long as I did, she Lived To Be 91...
It Is Never EASY To say Good-Bye..
I Still Have MY Moments,
\"I JUST LOST IT\"
We Only Get \'1\" Mom........Right ?
Love Ya,