I Just Feel Really Sad About Things Today

I just feel really sad about things today.  Things didn’t go as well as usual with my therapist and I’m feeling so sad about my problem.  First when I came in I told her I forgot my bag of extra clothes, but I do have some extra clothes in my purse today.  She said that she hurt her knee (right?) and had surgery on it once and it’s bothering her so she can’t go walking.  She doesn’t want to reinjure it and doesn’t need any more surgery.  No, no.  I was disappointed (didn’t come out with it but I’m sure she could tell I wasn’t happy) because I didn’t have an agenda (kind of) today and I wanted her to help me decide what to do and they all involve going somewhere and now we can’t.  Here are the things I need to work on.  Not escalating because on the way back from the store last week I think I did.  I should have been able to make it all the way.  She asked me why I thought that.  I said I should have been able to wait.  She asked, “And not leaked?”  Yes.  So I wanted to go walking like we do and practice and we can’t.  She said I could go and we can talk on the cell phone together.  No, I didn’t want to go by myself nor do that.   I asked about Wednesday and she’s not sure yet.  Once she alluded to go do exposures then but I guess we have to see.    The other thing is, I’m prepared with my purse and extra clothes, to have a situation when I have to go and am waiting outside the bathroom and can’t make it like we do and go through the motions of what to do then.  She asked me if I always bring the extra clothes with me.  No – just today.  I guess she wanted to know if I was getting into the practice of it.  No.  But to do this I have shorts on and I can’t handle that.  Little piddle paddles or just a little on the floor with pants on I can handle but not cleaning up a big puddle.  I can’t handle that but then again … what if it happens?  Or, we can go outside in the grass and do it.  She didn’t say much.    The last thing is to go again next door and practice being around people, slow people, which might happen.  But we can’t do any of it today and she wanted to just stay in the room and do that light bar thing.  I wasn’t too happy but OK, what could I say.  She thought that would be just as helpful.  She went to turn on that light thing and it wouldn’t work.  She tried everything.  She even jokingly accused me of using my powers to make it not work.  Yeah right – if I could do that I wouldn’t have any problems.  I even mentioned when she was setting it up about these few days rest has been nice.  She asked, not dealing with it?  No, I always have to deal with it but not the intensity.  She went on to try to fix her bar.  She couldn’t and we couldn’t use it.  Wonder what kind of a sign that was?  So she told me I could talk about yesterday, which I briefly said earlier I wanted to get to if we can.  No, I wanted to talk about something about this we haven’t talked about it yet.  I asked her if she knew what it was.  No, she didn’t.  Nighttime.  So we talked about that.  How I don’t do it every night, sometimes but sometimes I go a long time without.  How I hide the special sheet (it’s like rubberized on the bottom) from my husband and often put it in my bed after so he doesn’t see it and in the morning I can wash it and he doesn’t know.  I can’t bring that because I have no means of washing it.  I have that and one under the sheets to protect the mattrace.    So we got into this discussion about the size of bed we are sleeping in.  We have a King at home but it’s probably one Queen or King (I don’t know) there.  She wants me to call the hotel or the travel agent and get it changed to 2 beds  so I feel more comfortable.  First I said I can’t do it at check in, in front of my husband.  And I don’t know if they have a toll-free number.  And no, absolutely not, will I call my travel agent and tell her.  She’ll think that’s crazy.  She told me many couples sleep in separate beds/rooms.  No.  It was almost like we were in an argument about all this.  Like she was picking a fight with me about it.  The only other time anything close to this happened was when she took the phone calls away from me.  But that was really bad.  This was just weird and only half bad.  All I wanted to do is figure out what to do if it’s going to be one bed (we are only 2 people – not a family – and they may not even want to change it) and she was more into the confrontation of changing things with the type of beds.  It was very uncomfortable, plus I wasn’t happy about not being able to go walking which helps me better than in here staring at each other (didn’t exactly put it like that but she knows).    I guess I got quiet.  It’s hard to keep looking at her so I look around the room often avoiding eye contact.  She asked me what’s going on, what am I feeling.  I told her I’m just really sad - about everything.  She knows.  So much of the time we spent on accepting it.  It’s there and no matter how much I want it to go away it won’t.  I’m so tired of thinking about it and even preparing for it is thinking about it.  She said how I have to be prepared but if I’m not bad things could happen.  She said how disappointing (I think she knows it really was – she very very rarely says no to me on anything) it may be not to go walking but maybe it’s a good thing so we can do things and talk about things in the office which can be even more helpful.  I’m thinking – is she tired of doing those things?  Is it an excuse?  I want to believe her knee thing.  I’m hoping she’s not like that.  She even said one of her favorite things to do is to do walking and she wants to walk in Ohio later this week/weekend so she has to stay off of it.    So I needed to go to the bathroom.  I didn’t know what to do.  She asked me if I want to go?  No, if I want to go down the hall and stand outside the bathroom down there?  By myself?  No, she’d walk with me down there.  So we did.  It was awkward.  Once we heard a sound like a door opening, maybe someone coming.  So I asked her what do we do if someone comes.  She said I should go to the bathroom.  It was hard, as usual, not to move around.  I did some moving, crossing my legs, kind of dipping down.  It got harder.  She told me once not to push myself, do I want to go?  No, not yet.  Soon I said here’s where I feel like I’m escalating it.  Do I try to get my mind off of it, distractions?  Yes.  She had told me to start talking about yesterday but I started and couldn’t.  I couldn’t concentrate and asked her to talk.  She didn’t know what to talk about except for asking about the weather in Mexico.  Why can’t she just talk about anything?  So that got my mind off a little but soon I was really struggling said, “I can’t do this anymore,” and went to the bathroom.  She said she’d meet me back in the office.  OK.  Why didn’t she want to wait for me?  Very strange – and not strange in a good way.  Does she not think these are helpful?  They are – they are very hard but yet helpful at the same time for me to remember if I get into those kind of situations.    So I came back into the office and she asked me if I made it OK.  I told her I didn’t want to talk about it.  She didn’t make me.  So we just talked more about the same.  Some stuff that we had to pick up on that we didn’t finish, some new stuff.  I hate this!  Maybe not even going to the ruins.  It looks like there’s nothing out there between stone buildings.  Maybe wearing “Little Bertha” sometimes during the day or at night – although we didn’t officially name it.  Maybe bringing Big Bertha although I don’t want to.  I needed to at the wedding.  At night how many would I bring if I would – 4?  No!  Maybe 2.  I told her how I can’t even think about packing.  It was just very uncomfortable today because I’m so, so tired of this whole thing and maybe she is too.  Once when I was feeling so bad and not knowing what to say I completely changed the subject and asked if the kids are coming today?  Yes, and she asked if I’m coming back to babysit.  Yes.   I said how it’s probably the same maid to clean up and we are at that place all the nights.  That’s not good.  I said about using towels.  I can either put them down and lay on them or if I have an accident put them down then.  But they don’t work that well and everything just goes through anyway.  I said how my husband isn’t very nice about it.  Then when I say something he is.  She said to talk to him before we go and tell him to, “Be nice!”  She even said it in 5-6 many different tones of voice.  I even said how when he’s under stress he yells and attacks – even the kids yesterday.  It sent shivers down my spine.  She said he shouldn’t be doing that.    She said, “Who knows … one of these days you might be changing each other’s diapers – that happens sometimes.”  I told her no way is he ever changing my diapers because I’m not going to wear them.  So she said maybe then I’ll be changing his.  I’m so glad she wasn’t insistent.  I said how one night he started talking about it (I didn’t want to, didn’t say much hoping he’d stop soon) how I have trouble going to sleep at night because I can’t relax because I’m afraid I’ll go to the bathroom.  I don’t want to talk about it!  I told her how he always just says, “Well, just plan ahead.”  It doesn’t always work out that way.  She nodded like she understood it doesn’t.  Things happen.  Once she alluded to how in many instances I want to be controlling and some things I just can’t control.  We never know what instances will happen or what is going to happen.  Then back to the being prepared.  How as long as we are in our bodies (I laughed and she said and not in heaven), everyone has something wrong they have to deal with.  She said my daughter and her weight issues and my granddaughter with all her medical issues.  I bet she’s thinking about her cancer, too but never talks about it.  I wish she would – she is a real person with real feelings, too.  I told her how yesterday at the last minute I decided to take extra clothes.  But I left them in the car.  “Why did you do that?” she wanted to know.  I said how I could have needed them on the boat or walking.  But sometimes I get too confident and I just don’t want to do this anymore.  We just skipped here and there about yesterday and the boat.  I wanted to talk more about stuff, and different stuff about it, but no time.  Maybe she thinks we talked all I wanted to but we didn’t.  By the time we can I will have forgotten all about it.  I don’t like when that happens. When I first came in she asked me if we went to the zoo.  No, after I get back from my trip but we did the boat.  I told her how it’s so sad because it’s not me.  It’s not who defines me.  I’m not like this!  The wedding photographer on his website put all his hundreds of pictures up.  He has different categories and one was ‘favorites’.  Of all the hundreds of pictures and hundreds of people he chose mine (with only 2 others)  where I’m just happy and having a good time.  Wow!  I told her I ordered the picture and told her I’d bring it in.  She seemed happy to get to see it.  And how in a store some guy came up to me and said, “You still have it, Babe!”  She acted how that’s so cool and awesome.  I know she wanted to help me feel good about those things.  Like people just don’t do that to anyone.  She asked me how that happy person of me can help the other person feeling so sad about this.  I said – I can’t remember.  Something.  Maybe not worry so much about it but I don’t think that’s what it was.  We talked about how I have to bring this problem with me because it won’t go away.  I said yes, “dirty baggage.”  But she told me I want to bring that happy, having fun person with me most importantly.  I also said how it’s weird (she said so, too) being out of the country and unreachable in both ways.  Yeah.  At the end I told her how I have homework for me and for her.  Mine is to do the worry box and do it at home and bring it in on Wednesday.  Hers is because she can’t call me like she does on my other trips, so one is a phone call Wednesday after I leave to get me through until Monday when I leave.  The other is to write or type something that I can have with me while I’m there because it’s the only thing I’ll have.  She’s done this enough to know what to say.  She nodded she did.  I hope she understands to do it ahead of time but I don’t know.  She said how it’s both very do-able.    When I was writing the check out (we almost forgot to do that) I asked her if she’s coming back on Wednesday just for me.  “Of, course!” she answered in a loud, not doubting way.  I asked her if it’s an all day seminar (yes) and how sweet that really is to do that.  She even said how she has that and then leaving the next day for Ohio.  I wanted to let her know how I appreciate that.  She said how I have to do my worry box, try to call the resort, tell my husband to “be nice” and think about packing.  I told her I can’t even think about packing and what to pack.  She said something once about freezing about it and this might have been when – I’m not sure.  So I had to come back again at 5 PM to watch my little grandson while she saw my daughter and her boyfriend.  I sat on the other side of the room because they were already sitting on one side (the 2 guys).  Good because I didn’t feel like much interaction with her.  Just too much is too much I guess.  My daughter just walked in and our therapist opened the door and said, “Good timing.”  I gave my daughter some mail she put in her purse that she left out with me.  My therapist had just glanced at me with a hello and I gave her a little smile.  Didn’t see her at all the rest of the time.  That was fine because I’m still feeling very sad and just weird about today and this whole thing.  I’m hoping in time it’ll pass and I’ll be able to get excited about the trip.  After all … it’s to Mexico.    My grandson was very quiet and really tired.  He even wanted to just lay down at the end.  I was all around him, he was on my lap and very close.  I hope he’s not sick or coming down with something.  Please God, my husband and I have to stay well before, during and after this trip.  Thank you.  They go back next Wednesday and they have both kids.  I don’t know what they are going to do because I won’t be here to babysit – my trip.  I talked to my husband tonight like I told her I would.  I said that with traveling there’re aren’t always bathrooms around and sometimes I have accidents.  “Be nice!”  He goes into his usual to plan ahead.  He doesn’t realize you can do that but sometimes it doesn’t work and things happen.  “You’ll be fine,” he kept saying over and over again.  I kept shooting back at him, “We don’t know that.”  He can be very hard headed sometimes.  He said he’ll be nice (I even said about night time, too) so we will see.  I hope so because like I told my therapist today when he’s not it puts me into the shame mode faster.  I don’t want that and that doesn’t help this whole thing at all!    I tried to find our hotel’s toll free phone number and couldn’t.  All the toll free numbers are to separate travel agencies.  I found a Mexico number but who knows how much that would cost to call.  So I looked through my emails from my travel agent and I found a reservations email for this chain of hotels.  I requested the 2 beds instead of 1 and if they could get back to me on that.  That’s all I can do.  I wish my therapist wouldn’t have made such a big deal about this.  I only wanted to talk about what to do in case this doesn’t happen.