I just dont know why im here.......
Well since i have the option of a journal here on DS i figure why not use it.
I have always had symptoms of depression but it was never bad and overwelming like it is now,My dream was always to be a professional wrestler and in 2000 i started that journy then in 2005 i finally found the place i belonged in the PWA here in town and the whole time i was wrestling with them i was positive for the most part with times of being angry but never really depressed.
My back started to get bad i couldnt even stand at work for the last 2 months of 2009 so i was forced into retirement when back surgery was my only option out of paralysis so i started making appointments with the nuerologist out of bronson hospital in kalamazoo,MI.
In april of 2010 i had my surgery and was in recovery/stuck in a shelled brace for 3 months and that whole time i was focused on getting back to the gym and POSSIBLY one day getting back in the ring in some fassion but as i got further and further down the road my mind started to slip i started to hate what i have become,My abilityies were/are very limited physically and i just gave up.
Now i dont know as yesterday was the 1 year mark of recovery for me i look at myself and im disgusted at what/who i see and i dont know why im still here or what im here for.
Wrestling was ALWAYS!! my calling there was and still is something inside me telling me that im not doing what i am meant to be doing and its fuckin killing me...
i just.......dont know why im here.
I have always had symptoms of depression but it was never bad and overwelming like it is now,My dream was always to be a professional wrestler and in 2000 i started that journy then in 2005 i finally found the place i belonged in the PWA here in town and the whole time i was wrestling with them i was positive for the most part with times of being angry but never really depressed.
My back started to get bad i couldnt even stand at work for the last 2 months of 2009 so i was forced into retirement when back surgery was my only option out of paralysis so i started making appointments with the nuerologist out of bronson hospital in kalamazoo,MI.
In april of 2010 i had my surgery and was in recovery/stuck in a shelled brace for 3 months and that whole time i was focused on getting back to the gym and POSSIBLY one day getting back in the ring in some fassion but as i got further and further down the road my mind started to slip i started to hate what i have become,My abilityies were/are very limited physically and i just gave up.
Now i dont know as yesterday was the 1 year mark of recovery for me i look at myself and im disgusted at what/who i see and i dont know why im still here or what im here for.
Wrestling was ALWAYS!! my calling there was and still is something inside me telling me that im not doing what i am meant to be doing and its fuckin killing me...
i just.......dont know why im here.
Replies
Oh Sean. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Its good to know why,and how things got so bad for you . I am so sorry that happened. Its definitely something that would be hard for you to handle :( Listen , I am still here, an even tho I cant get you back to being a wrestler , maybe we can figure out something to get you a bit closer to your dream , somehow. There always a way ...right???? Hope we can talk soon!
Thats what they say anyway......but i just dont know my good days are getting farther and farther apart as the weeks go by,I tried reffing a few matches but that just made me feel worse heel i was crying in the ring in between match\'s so i dont see that as an option,Even commentating makes me feel like a big waste of life..