I Just Dont Feel Good About Myself
I don’t know … I just don’t feel good about myself, about my therapist about my life. Nothing happened bad but I just don’t. She called me in and I was talking on my cell to my guy friend about my cousin’s phone numbers. I mouthed ‘sorry’ as I was still sitting and talking after I came in. She just waited patiently – writing on her sheet. It wasn’t long, I hung up and told her I’m playing matchmaker with my cousin who broke up with his girlfriend and this guy friend of mine.
I put that little sheet with phone numbers away and took out another one. “My head is spinning. I have my cheat sheet today – so much going on,” I told her. She said it’s good I wrote things down to remember when I have so much on my mind. First I said how I did 3 things, and thinking about the 4th, to come out of my box or comfort zone. She was happy. First was I went next door just to go in and walk around, then I went to S park to walk again and I went to services. The fourth is free computer classes I am thinking about taking at the library.
I did tell her I want to go next door – just to walk – when I don’t have to go to the bathroom. Not to go in – just come right back. I want to be able to be around people when I have to go. Maybe we’ll do it today – we’ll see how it goes. No reaction at all – almost too quiet. I wanted to tell her a few things before I get into Friday and Saturday since those are longer. First I said how my son with us wasn’t nice to me Thursday or last night. Kind of like what my other son does.
And my daughter wasn’t either. I was helping her out, in a good way, about her ex calling about Easter (I think she was mad she didn’t come over yesterday – may be sick). She said I was giving her mixed messages and wanted to talk to her Dad. He told her the same thing! I was doing it in a good way. I think she was hoping for abandonment (my therapist didn’t know the time on this one) but now he’s called. She said his Mom probably told him and as a grandparent (even though I don’t like her at all) I can see how she would want to see him. And it still bothers me about my youngest cutting his hair and not saving me any – it hurts. And the guy who waited on my husband and I with the same long hair.
I told her that I was feeling really badly last night about my kids not caring about me. She said they care but something that they are acting like this and more distant are wanting to push me away. Maybe something I’m doing. But I told her I’m not intrusive. She said to talk to my son who’s living with us. Maybe. I just go on like nothing’s wrong. She said then they don’t know. I said later he came into me and talked. I get quiet like ‘why should I talk to them’ when things happen sometimes. She said that would have been a perfect time to talk. But I didn’t.
I don’t feel like going into everything in the above paragraphs. In fact I don’t feel like typing much today – so I’ll skim through. I told her I know this is silly but I left a message with the other massage therapist and she never called me back. I’m thinking (because she knows a little more about me because once I told her to make sure I went to the bathroom half way – my therapist didn’t seem to remember – I called her about it!) that she doesn’t want to deal with me with my problem. I know it’s silly but that’s how I feel. She said the same ways as how I’m feeling with my kids. Right. Low self esteem or something. Again, I don’t want to get into everything. She’s comparing it all and now I’m wondering if I’m pushing everyone away including her. I hope not!! I’m not like that. But then she said it’s probably not the case with the massage therapist. Probably not – she probably didn’t get the message.
So, I think this is when I told her I wanted to walk next door. Maybe I talked more about Friday – maybe not. So we went. We talked pretty much the whole time. First if I’ve having it at my house. Yes. Two? No, one. She asked me if I do my shopping there. No, at the WO D – more selection. We have to go soon I told my husband. Is she going anywhere? No, the friend she goes to isn’t this year so she’s not. Her husband’s Mom is with their family but they don’t live here. We got over there and I reminded her I didn’t want to go in. So we just turned around and walked back. She started talking about the health care reform and we may be able to add our youngest. Hers doesn’t have health insurance now in Guatemala (maybe she said Honduras) but did in the Peace Corps. They are about the same age.
We got back in and she commented I did really well. Yes, in preparation. So I went right into talking about going over there on Friday and seeing my friend on the parking lot. I had to pull up and get out and go through with it now. He was picking up the oldest daughter and taking her to work. I said I was going in to look at food. I pulled it off. I had told her just before that I wanted to go in and just walk around. The oldest daughter was very friendly – even hugged me. He asked about Trivia Night. I made it look like my husband didn’t want to go but if his wife goes maybe I can talk him into it. It worked – I pulled that off and he said yesterday she is going. He said I’m 90% and my husband is 10% but I said that’s just our personalities. I think he wants us to branch out in our friendships besides who we are normally with. It’s good for me.
But we were talking on the parking lot a long time. And I wondered what would I have done if I really did need to go to the bathroom. “What would you have done?” she asked me. I didn’t know but then said I would have had to tell him I’d be right back. He knows about my problem. She remembers he teases me sometimes. Yes. Now at breakfast when I go he jokingly tells me to mention his name and I’ll get a good seat.
Then I went to the library to get the Be Counted form. I saw computer classes. They are 2 hours long. This one started at 9:30 and it was 10:45 and they were taking a break. If it was their first it would have been over an hour. She said if I take the class I’ll have to make my own breaks and just go – before theirs. Because if I go at theirs I may have to wait in line at the bathroom and I don’t want that to happen. No. I asked what if I can’t. She said I’m an adult, I can go anytime I want. It’s not like in school as a kid having to ask permission. I alluded that adults should be able to wait. She said she goes to professional seminars and lots of people go in and out all the time. They have to get a phone call, go to the bathroom, get bored and such.
Then she went on to say if it was my husband teaching the class. He might not even notice at all. OK. But then I pointed out that I’d be missing out. She said I’m fast. I’m not sure if she meant fast at learning it or fast at going to the bathroom. She said how no one would even notice they’d be looking at their computers. But it is a risk I’d have to take in missing something. If the teacher would say something I could tell them I have to make my own breaks – I can’t wait for theirs. Or, I could tell them ahead of time. No way! She knew that.
Then I went back to the park. I made sure I went to the bathroom before I began and I walked around 2 times without a problem. She thought that was great. I’ve done it before. I told her when something is hard somewhere I like to go back and try again. She thought that was good I do that. I also added that I can go hours and hours between having to go to the bathroom. “I can,” I said re-affirming it. She just listened, nodded. No comment. Wonder if she believes me.
I told her about the new throw up concoction my husband had with salsa and ranch dressing. That’s what we’ll do next. I couldn’t even look at it. Even my son said it looked like puek. She asked me if I tasted it. No! She said my homework is to taste it. No way! Then I talked about my daughter how they don’t know what’s wrong. Maybe an ulcer, maybe gastritis. But my grandson was a little doll. After the TV went off he called out to me for a hug. Sure and I did and papoosed him (my Mom did and I did to my kids). I said how I do it and she said that’s reassurance to them. Yes. He didn’t wet his bed and that was good.
Then the next day I took him – something I’ve been talking about doing a long time. Coming back he mentioned her. She thought that was very nice and smiled. We passed around the street and he said how he misses coming (put an ‘i’ in the middle of her name) where people go when they have a problem. I told him I see her once in a while – maybe I’ll bring him. He said he loves playing in the sandbox.
Then I talked about the services and how good he was. There were no children’s services that day even though it said so on the website. So we took a break and found some babysitting. He stayed and I talked to another Mom (niece of a big person there I used to work for) and we ended up going back in and sitting down. She was very nice. It was very nice. She asked me how old my son was. It’s my grandson and my therapist knows I get that a lot. After we went to the food (she knew K after I asked her) and my grandson sat down at a table. I sat down and wondered who would sit with us. It was my friend who kisses me on the lips so I got my kisses. Then a guy and his boys at the babysitting. Then the R. We talked about demographics.
Then later, he had gone to the play area downstairs earlier, so we had to go there. That’s the advantage of being a grandparent – more time and patience to do these things to spoil them. Then I talked to the C. She’s very down to earth. We talked about the city they both are from (Palo Alto) and on the way to the store she said that’s near her husband’s family. But it was all very nice. Some people are not my type and too proper maybe is the word.
During the above I needed to go to the bathroom. I told her and she asked me if I wanted to go or wait. I wanted to wait. I told her to give me credit for 2 extra minutes because I’ve had to go for that long. She said she would. I think I talked pretty well through it all. It got harder and I asked her how long it’s been. She said 5 minutes including my 2 minutes credit. I keep talking but it was harder. I kept my legs crossed, moved around a little, winced and stopped a couple times to get back on track and did. Hard to concentrate but I think I did pretty well. I asked again. 7 minutes. I nodded and continued but not for too much longer. Finally I said, “I can’t do this any longer,” and got up to go. She told me what I did was good.
I came back and looked at my notes – reading them a second – and then continuing. There was a part I got to now that I couldn’t when I had to go so badly and said that then. But now I told her that the times I needed to go to the bathroom were times I couldn’t get up to go. She knows there are parts in the service you just can’t. She also has been to one like mine before (not mine) and knows there’s no real starting time and it just keeps on going and people come in and out whenever. She said she knows – they don’t tell you until you are there that it just goes on for hours and you’re there 4 hours. So, when I really needed to go (and it wasn’t preventatively – I really needed to go) I had to wait. It wasn’t real long but I did fine because I remembered what we do in there – all the exposures and all the practicing. She thought that was great it’s working and I was able to work through it. Yes – to try to keep calm about it. One was during services and the other one was eating and I went before we went downstairs.
I did go on to tell her that before that, when I’m just thinking about it, I get scared and think ‘why am I doing this and what did I get myself into?’ It’s a scared feeling. She asked me what I would like to feel. That’s it’s OK and not scared. I’m scared I’ll have to go to the bathroom, or have an accident, or look like I do. She knows I want to get rid of the scare. And I said how that brings it on even faster. She knows. She compared my feeling to herself being on the little roller coaster and it’s about to start and she finds out it’s one of the big ones. I asked her if she does that little one – I do. She said she used to but wouldn’t anymore. I told her that’s the only one I’ll do.
So that was about all about that. I did say my husband didn’t go and he was running. My grandson thought that was a long run. But when he found out, when we were about to leave, he wasn’t going I told him it’s just him & Nana time. He was glad and said my granddaughter hogs me. I told him to say something. He said he would. My therapist said it’s good we had that time alone together – he needs that.
Just a couple more minutes left and I told her about my OB appointment. When? Wednesday. I told her I’ve had an abnormal pap before. Once they had to do freezing (she nodded like she knew what that was) and once I had to take anti-biotics. And, when I first start coming to see her, they had to do a procedure because he thought he felt something inside and it was fine. And I’ve been off the pill for a while now – still not in menopause. Sometimes things happen then. She said it’s normal to feel scared before an exam – especially given what’s happened before. But she was pretty quiet – not much commenting. At the end I guess.
I also told her that I have to have another ultrasound and asked her if I can ask to do it without having to do the drinking even though you get better results drinking. She first said that maybe I can ask to not have as full of a bladder. I told her that’s what happens anyway because I have to keep going to the bathroom. I’d have to ask the doctor because that test is scheduled at another time. She said it would be ok to do that.
I alluded to what happened last year but she didn’t seem to react so I was thinking she didn’t remember. Later I did ask her if she remembered. She said to refresh her memory. I told her how I started going before and she told me to go to the bathroom and the door was locked. She was even knocking on it and wondering why a man’s voice was in there. I just stood up against the wall and I was going. She seemed to remember now. She said that was really hard for me and alluded that I wouldn’t want that to happen again. I told her it’s a good thing I had extra clothes with me. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t.
I told her it’s the same with my OB. He never remembers what I tell him so I can say more. But he asks the same questions about leaking and I just skim over it saying I’ve lived with this all my life. She said it would be better to say more to help me better. I said – if I don’t chicken out – I could tell him about going to the specialist, maybe. She said he could at least write it down. Anyway we stopped about this, she told me good luck Wednesday and I left. She did mention that it’s good I’m doing these things. I told her yeah but I just touch on them and I need to follow through. Something weird again today – she wasn’t as warm. Like more distant and not as friendly, not remembering things. Something’s going on again. Either just with her or something with us. But it’s not a good feeling. Funny the other massage therapist called me tonight at home to schedule for this week. Makes me wonder …..
I put that little sheet with phone numbers away and took out another one. “My head is spinning. I have my cheat sheet today – so much going on,” I told her. She said it’s good I wrote things down to remember when I have so much on my mind. First I said how I did 3 things, and thinking about the 4th, to come out of my box or comfort zone. She was happy. First was I went next door just to go in and walk around, then I went to S park to walk again and I went to services. The fourth is free computer classes I am thinking about taking at the library.
I did tell her I want to go next door – just to walk – when I don’t have to go to the bathroom. Not to go in – just come right back. I want to be able to be around people when I have to go. Maybe we’ll do it today – we’ll see how it goes. No reaction at all – almost too quiet. I wanted to tell her a few things before I get into Friday and Saturday since those are longer. First I said how my son with us wasn’t nice to me Thursday or last night. Kind of like what my other son does.
And my daughter wasn’t either. I was helping her out, in a good way, about her ex calling about Easter (I think she was mad she didn’t come over yesterday – may be sick). She said I was giving her mixed messages and wanted to talk to her Dad. He told her the same thing! I was doing it in a good way. I think she was hoping for abandonment (my therapist didn’t know the time on this one) but now he’s called. She said his Mom probably told him and as a grandparent (even though I don’t like her at all) I can see how she would want to see him. And it still bothers me about my youngest cutting his hair and not saving me any – it hurts. And the guy who waited on my husband and I with the same long hair.
I told her that I was feeling really badly last night about my kids not caring about me. She said they care but something that they are acting like this and more distant are wanting to push me away. Maybe something I’m doing. But I told her I’m not intrusive. She said to talk to my son who’s living with us. Maybe. I just go on like nothing’s wrong. She said then they don’t know. I said later he came into me and talked. I get quiet like ‘why should I talk to them’ when things happen sometimes. She said that would have been a perfect time to talk. But I didn’t.
I don’t feel like going into everything in the above paragraphs. In fact I don’t feel like typing much today – so I’ll skim through. I told her I know this is silly but I left a message with the other massage therapist and she never called me back. I’m thinking (because she knows a little more about me because once I told her to make sure I went to the bathroom half way – my therapist didn’t seem to remember – I called her about it!) that she doesn’t want to deal with me with my problem. I know it’s silly but that’s how I feel. She said the same ways as how I’m feeling with my kids. Right. Low self esteem or something. Again, I don’t want to get into everything. She’s comparing it all and now I’m wondering if I’m pushing everyone away including her. I hope not!! I’m not like that. But then she said it’s probably not the case with the massage therapist. Probably not – she probably didn’t get the message.
So, I think this is when I told her I wanted to walk next door. Maybe I talked more about Friday – maybe not. So we went. We talked pretty much the whole time. First if I’ve having it at my house. Yes. Two? No, one. She asked me if I do my shopping there. No, at the WO D – more selection. We have to go soon I told my husband. Is she going anywhere? No, the friend she goes to isn’t this year so she’s not. Her husband’s Mom is with their family but they don’t live here. We got over there and I reminded her I didn’t want to go in. So we just turned around and walked back. She started talking about the health care reform and we may be able to add our youngest. Hers doesn’t have health insurance now in Guatemala (maybe she said Honduras) but did in the Peace Corps. They are about the same age.
We got back in and she commented I did really well. Yes, in preparation. So I went right into talking about going over there on Friday and seeing my friend on the parking lot. I had to pull up and get out and go through with it now. He was picking up the oldest daughter and taking her to work. I said I was going in to look at food. I pulled it off. I had told her just before that I wanted to go in and just walk around. The oldest daughter was very friendly – even hugged me. He asked about Trivia Night. I made it look like my husband didn’t want to go but if his wife goes maybe I can talk him into it. It worked – I pulled that off and he said yesterday she is going. He said I’m 90% and my husband is 10% but I said that’s just our personalities. I think he wants us to branch out in our friendships besides who we are normally with. It’s good for me.
But we were talking on the parking lot a long time. And I wondered what would I have done if I really did need to go to the bathroom. “What would you have done?” she asked me. I didn’t know but then said I would have had to tell him I’d be right back. He knows about my problem. She remembers he teases me sometimes. Yes. Now at breakfast when I go he jokingly tells me to mention his name and I’ll get a good seat.
Then I went to the library to get the Be Counted form. I saw computer classes. They are 2 hours long. This one started at 9:30 and it was 10:45 and they were taking a break. If it was their first it would have been over an hour. She said if I take the class I’ll have to make my own breaks and just go – before theirs. Because if I go at theirs I may have to wait in line at the bathroom and I don’t want that to happen. No. I asked what if I can’t. She said I’m an adult, I can go anytime I want. It’s not like in school as a kid having to ask permission. I alluded that adults should be able to wait. She said she goes to professional seminars and lots of people go in and out all the time. They have to get a phone call, go to the bathroom, get bored and such.
Then she went on to say if it was my husband teaching the class. He might not even notice at all. OK. But then I pointed out that I’d be missing out. She said I’m fast. I’m not sure if she meant fast at learning it or fast at going to the bathroom. She said how no one would even notice they’d be looking at their computers. But it is a risk I’d have to take in missing something. If the teacher would say something I could tell them I have to make my own breaks – I can’t wait for theirs. Or, I could tell them ahead of time. No way! She knew that.
Then I went back to the park. I made sure I went to the bathroom before I began and I walked around 2 times without a problem. She thought that was great. I’ve done it before. I told her when something is hard somewhere I like to go back and try again. She thought that was good I do that. I also added that I can go hours and hours between having to go to the bathroom. “I can,” I said re-affirming it. She just listened, nodded. No comment. Wonder if she believes me.
I told her about the new throw up concoction my husband had with salsa and ranch dressing. That’s what we’ll do next. I couldn’t even look at it. Even my son said it looked like puek. She asked me if I tasted it. No! She said my homework is to taste it. No way! Then I talked about my daughter how they don’t know what’s wrong. Maybe an ulcer, maybe gastritis. But my grandson was a little doll. After the TV went off he called out to me for a hug. Sure and I did and papoosed him (my Mom did and I did to my kids). I said how I do it and she said that’s reassurance to them. Yes. He didn’t wet his bed and that was good.
Then the next day I took him – something I’ve been talking about doing a long time. Coming back he mentioned her. She thought that was very nice and smiled. We passed around the street and he said how he misses coming (put an ‘i’ in the middle of her name) where people go when they have a problem. I told him I see her once in a while – maybe I’ll bring him. He said he loves playing in the sandbox.
Then I talked about the services and how good he was. There were no children’s services that day even though it said so on the website. So we took a break and found some babysitting. He stayed and I talked to another Mom (niece of a big person there I used to work for) and we ended up going back in and sitting down. She was very nice. It was very nice. She asked me how old my son was. It’s my grandson and my therapist knows I get that a lot. After we went to the food (she knew K after I asked her) and my grandson sat down at a table. I sat down and wondered who would sit with us. It was my friend who kisses me on the lips so I got my kisses. Then a guy and his boys at the babysitting. Then the R. We talked about demographics.
Then later, he had gone to the play area downstairs earlier, so we had to go there. That’s the advantage of being a grandparent – more time and patience to do these things to spoil them. Then I talked to the C. She’s very down to earth. We talked about the city they both are from (Palo Alto) and on the way to the store she said that’s near her husband’s family. But it was all very nice. Some people are not my type and too proper maybe is the word.
During the above I needed to go to the bathroom. I told her and she asked me if I wanted to go or wait. I wanted to wait. I told her to give me credit for 2 extra minutes because I’ve had to go for that long. She said she would. I think I talked pretty well through it all. It got harder and I asked her how long it’s been. She said 5 minutes including my 2 minutes credit. I keep talking but it was harder. I kept my legs crossed, moved around a little, winced and stopped a couple times to get back on track and did. Hard to concentrate but I think I did pretty well. I asked again. 7 minutes. I nodded and continued but not for too much longer. Finally I said, “I can’t do this any longer,” and got up to go. She told me what I did was good.
I came back and looked at my notes – reading them a second – and then continuing. There was a part I got to now that I couldn’t when I had to go so badly and said that then. But now I told her that the times I needed to go to the bathroom were times I couldn’t get up to go. She knows there are parts in the service you just can’t. She also has been to one like mine before (not mine) and knows there’s no real starting time and it just keeps on going and people come in and out whenever. She said she knows – they don’t tell you until you are there that it just goes on for hours and you’re there 4 hours. So, when I really needed to go (and it wasn’t preventatively – I really needed to go) I had to wait. It wasn’t real long but I did fine because I remembered what we do in there – all the exposures and all the practicing. She thought that was great it’s working and I was able to work through it. Yes – to try to keep calm about it. One was during services and the other one was eating and I went before we went downstairs.
I did go on to tell her that before that, when I’m just thinking about it, I get scared and think ‘why am I doing this and what did I get myself into?’ It’s a scared feeling. She asked me what I would like to feel. That’s it’s OK and not scared. I’m scared I’ll have to go to the bathroom, or have an accident, or look like I do. She knows I want to get rid of the scare. And I said how that brings it on even faster. She knows. She compared my feeling to herself being on the little roller coaster and it’s about to start and she finds out it’s one of the big ones. I asked her if she does that little one – I do. She said she used to but wouldn’t anymore. I told her that’s the only one I’ll do.
So that was about all about that. I did say my husband didn’t go and he was running. My grandson thought that was a long run. But when he found out, when we were about to leave, he wasn’t going I told him it’s just him & Nana time. He was glad and said my granddaughter hogs me. I told him to say something. He said he would. My therapist said it’s good we had that time alone together – he needs that.
Just a couple more minutes left and I told her about my OB appointment. When? Wednesday. I told her I’ve had an abnormal pap before. Once they had to do freezing (she nodded like she knew what that was) and once I had to take anti-biotics. And, when I first start coming to see her, they had to do a procedure because he thought he felt something inside and it was fine. And I’ve been off the pill for a while now – still not in menopause. Sometimes things happen then. She said it’s normal to feel scared before an exam – especially given what’s happened before. But she was pretty quiet – not much commenting. At the end I guess.
I also told her that I have to have another ultrasound and asked her if I can ask to do it without having to do the drinking even though you get better results drinking. She first said that maybe I can ask to not have as full of a bladder. I told her that’s what happens anyway because I have to keep going to the bathroom. I’d have to ask the doctor because that test is scheduled at another time. She said it would be ok to do that.
I alluded to what happened last year but she didn’t seem to react so I was thinking she didn’t remember. Later I did ask her if she remembered. She said to refresh her memory. I told her how I started going before and she told me to go to the bathroom and the door was locked. She was even knocking on it and wondering why a man’s voice was in there. I just stood up against the wall and I was going. She seemed to remember now. She said that was really hard for me and alluded that I wouldn’t want that to happen again. I told her it’s a good thing I had extra clothes with me. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t.
I told her it’s the same with my OB. He never remembers what I tell him so I can say more. But he asks the same questions about leaking and I just skim over it saying I’ve lived with this all my life. She said it would be better to say more to help me better. I said – if I don’t chicken out – I could tell him about going to the specialist, maybe. She said he could at least write it down. Anyway we stopped about this, she told me good luck Wednesday and I left. She did mention that it’s good I’m doing these things. I told her yeah but I just touch on them and I need to follow through. Something weird again today – she wasn’t as warm. Like more distant and not as friendly, not remembering things. Something’s going on again. Either just with her or something with us. But it’s not a good feeling. Funny the other massage therapist called me tonight at home to schedule for this week. Makes me wonder …..
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