I Just Don't Know
Boy, what do I say, where do I begin.
At best my balance of negative struggles & a good life is way in favor of the struggles right now.
Dad was realeased fr the hospital (much to the chagrin of us 4 kids) & sent home with home care & other assistance in place. Well one wk went by & Sat evening he was taken back to the hospital via ambulance. Evidently he had gone to his door to let his supper time home care person in & somwhere along the line a slip or trip happened & good thing the worker was able to support him. He was the one that wanted to paramedics & ambulance called. The 4 of us did not think that being at home alone in his apartment was right but I guess the dr & team felt they knew, whatever!!!!
He seems to be going downhill quite steadily right now. There's alot of mental confusion periods. He's very weak, not eating well at all & the pain at times seems to be beyond comprehension, to me at least anyway. I know when cancer spreads to the bone I'm told it's horrendous. When his prostate cancer did start to spread it settled in the spine & back area.
I put a call into his dr this afternoon to have the message passed onto him that hello, buddy, dad being at home is not an option, take the rose colored glasses off & look, carefully, here. So I guess we'll see as the wk goes on.
I know this may sound strange to some but I so pray that the Lord can decide it's time to take him home. This is just not right any more. I just don't know, I just don't know.
I had no choice but to go back on my wkly methotrexate injection as the extreme level of stress was doing a super number on the whole lupus issue. I know my current med program is helping but there's that part of me that just darn it all wants to be able to do this without "drugs". But I try & remind myself that down the road when the time is right I'm going to regroup, rebuild my health on my own, just a minimal amt of drugs. Darn it all I'm telling the world this is the way it's going to be.
My weight issue has a tendency to bother me sometimes. I've lost abt 13 lbs & even I don't really like the way I think it's making me look somehow. I know my rheumy told me last wk that there are times & people that certain degrees of active lupus can stimulate a persons metabolism & hence my weight loss. I've got just abt no clothes to wear that fit me any more & yet I'm hesitant to shop at normal retail venues as when I do gain weight back then I've got all these small clothes that won't fit. I'm seriously thinking of checking out various 2nd hand places & similar type places. I guess who knows right, I could maybe latch onto some good deals & it won't hurt the pocket book too much.
I think the Lord called on hubby & me to be his animal angels again. The last several days we had this all white male cat hanging around our place. We tried to discourage him, get him to be on his way, but nope, he decided he was hanging around. We decided last night that if he was still here this morning then we were taking him to the Humane Society. Well thats what ended up taking place. He really was a very sweet mild mannered boy, all white with a few black hairs on top of his head & nice almond shaped eyes. He had a very healthy purr when you held him. We're not in a position any more to take in one more child & rather then have him just have to face all the unknowns in the world & mother natures elements we figured this way he's got a better chance at a good life.
Well I think I'll sign off for now. I want each & every one of you to truly know that the face I can have you all to lean on right now is the greatest gift I could have in life.
At best my balance of negative struggles & a good life is way in favor of the struggles right now.
Dad was realeased fr the hospital (much to the chagrin of us 4 kids) & sent home with home care & other assistance in place. Well one wk went by & Sat evening he was taken back to the hospital via ambulance. Evidently he had gone to his door to let his supper time home care person in & somwhere along the line a slip or trip happened & good thing the worker was able to support him. He was the one that wanted to paramedics & ambulance called. The 4 of us did not think that being at home alone in his apartment was right but I guess the dr & team felt they knew, whatever!!!!
He seems to be going downhill quite steadily right now. There's alot of mental confusion periods. He's very weak, not eating well at all & the pain at times seems to be beyond comprehension, to me at least anyway. I know when cancer spreads to the bone I'm told it's horrendous. When his prostate cancer did start to spread it settled in the spine & back area.
I put a call into his dr this afternoon to have the message passed onto him that hello, buddy, dad being at home is not an option, take the rose colored glasses off & look, carefully, here. So I guess we'll see as the wk goes on.
I know this may sound strange to some but I so pray that the Lord can decide it's time to take him home. This is just not right any more. I just don't know, I just don't know.
I had no choice but to go back on my wkly methotrexate injection as the extreme level of stress was doing a super number on the whole lupus issue. I know my current med program is helping but there's that part of me that just darn it all wants to be able to do this without "drugs". But I try & remind myself that down the road when the time is right I'm going to regroup, rebuild my health on my own, just a minimal amt of drugs. Darn it all I'm telling the world this is the way it's going to be.
My weight issue has a tendency to bother me sometimes. I've lost abt 13 lbs & even I don't really like the way I think it's making me look somehow. I know my rheumy told me last wk that there are times & people that certain degrees of active lupus can stimulate a persons metabolism & hence my weight loss. I've got just abt no clothes to wear that fit me any more & yet I'm hesitant to shop at normal retail venues as when I do gain weight back then I've got all these small clothes that won't fit. I'm seriously thinking of checking out various 2nd hand places & similar type places. I guess who knows right, I could maybe latch onto some good deals & it won't hurt the pocket book too much.
I think the Lord called on hubby & me to be his animal angels again. The last several days we had this all white male cat hanging around our place. We tried to discourage him, get him to be on his way, but nope, he decided he was hanging around. We decided last night that if he was still here this morning then we were taking him to the Humane Society. Well thats what ended up taking place. He really was a very sweet mild mannered boy, all white with a few black hairs on top of his head & nice almond shaped eyes. He had a very healthy purr when you held him. We're not in a position any more to take in one more child & rather then have him just have to face all the unknowns in the world & mother natures elements we figured this way he's got a better chance at a good life.
Well I think I'll sign off for now. I want each & every one of you to truly know that the face I can have you all to lean on right now is the greatest gift I could have in life.
Replies
Oh dear, I feel so bad for you and for your Dad. The doctors sending him home is crazy. I hope that the doctors will get your message and put him in an extended care program where he will have medical assistance. Cancer is so painful and praying that it ends is not wrong, it\'s humane. Sometimes the medical community extends life because they can, it\'s a shame. Much love to you dear.
Regarding 2nd hand stores....I get the most compliments on clothing I have purchased 2nd hand stores. I also get brand names, Eddie Bauer, Vera Wang, etc. for dollars. Some things you have to buy new, of course, but you may enjoy what you find. I also like not wearing the same thing everyone else is from Macys, Kohls, Sears, etc.
I think the Lord needs to find another animal angel for now and dole out some peace for you.
Hang in there, you are a strong woman. Sometimes we do have to step back and rest up, then come out swinging.
Love and prayers for you always.
Your in my prayers . I know how hard this is but I am here morning , noon or night you can call me. I only wish I lived closer to you, I would be there with you. You just take it one day at a time. God is taking us all home one day some sooner then others. It is one of the hardest things in life to go through. God will see you through it.
That little kitty sounded so sweet.I think he wanted to come in and be your new friend. Good you took him , maybe some one will just love him up and give him a good home.
Just remeber Pat I am here if you need me. Love and prayers, Frieda
I have been thinking of you, wondering how you are, and praying for you!
I can totally relate to how you feel about your dad and his situation. I pray that God\'s will be done and that God will come for him. : ) That is what we prayed for my ailing inlaws when their quality of life was very poor and they were suffering and didn\'t have any will to keep going either. Sometimes death CAN be a blessing, so don\'t feel badly about that. I hope the doc comes to his sense. Maybe if you use the word \"irresponsible\" it would get his attention?
I know when my lupus was at its worst, I lost a lot of weight, and it seemed to me that my body was working very hard to combat the huge flare (the onset, really) and it does pass, so please take hope in that. I hope yours passes soon. Just check the 2nd hand store\'s clothing for debris inside the seams, as that\'s where any bedbug eggs might be hiding. If they look clean, they you are probably OK! : )