I Just Can't Fake It Today

This is a really dismal journal so honestly perhaps you want to pass...  I'm writing a letter to my son that I will never mail...

I'm sharing the letter for moms dealing with similar issues.  I am so bitter when people tell me that although my daughter Cara died I'm lucky because I still have a surviving child... He's not dead to me... but I am pretty much dead to him... and to his wife as well...  I have always felt like there was a strain between my daughter in law and I.  I have tried to mend the breech by being overly grateful for every thing I could find to compliment... not to say anything negative but now I'm wondering if she is the cause for this final break between my son and I.  We've had a troubled relationship especially since I left his dad.  Sometimes it seemed like it was getting better and I was so grateful.  Everything seemed to finally evolve to this point where I am basically feeling like I have no children... not because I want it that way... but because my son does... My chest aches and my eyes feel like I'm about to cry all the time... my nose has that stingy feeling you know... but this is beyond tears.

I can't remember how long it was after we flooded last year... before my son even called... I did call them when we evacuated, because they live south of us and its an area that floods more often than we do... He said they were fine and I said great and basically that was it... anyway he did call... encouraging us to get help from FEMA which we applied as soon as President Obama declared it a federal emergency/disaster... He called a couple of times but it was months later before his wife said a word... When I could not go to a baby shower she was holding for my granddaughter because of a UTI she didn't call but left a we're so sorry you can't come... love yall... msg on FB... and I replied in the same vein... love yall... Love doesn't refuse to make a phone call or a visit... please...

I'm writing this but I'm not going to mail it.  You're offshore and don't need to hear my problems out there for sure... and probably not at all... 

Our relationship is pretty much non existent... not by my choice but by yours.  There are many people who will figure I must have done some really awful things to be rejected by my own son... Maybe I did... I honestly know I did some awful things... but to be blunt... I'm a human being... I think the thing you hate me for the most was for leaving your father... and you're right... it was unkind... no need to bother you with the whys and wherefores...  marriages collapse... believe me I suffered too... I had to rebuild my whole life... and it took years for me not to feel almost like an alien from another planet... my whole world was upended... and it didn't matter that I caused it... I was lost...

I never betrayed my children... I never didn't love you all... I worked hard through the years to protect you.  I often failed... my biggest failure through those younger years in my mind... I failded to protect you from me... and my depression and the anger... I am sorry... I was not and I am not perfect...

I have always loved you and tried to protect you as I was able... sometimes even from yourself...  I know it made you mad when I caught you and your friend smoking pot in your room.  I confronted you...  You had the pipe stuck in your waist band in the back but had failed to cover it with your shirt and I consficated it...  I grabbed the pipe and you tried to demand I give it back... that it was yours... but I refused in spite of the fact your father kind of feebly protested on your behalf that indeed it was yours... I told you both that might be the case but you were a minor in our home and I wasn't going to give you the damn pipe... I took your friend Jeremy home and told his mother why... She said you were the problem... that she had seen you gathering mushrooms for shrew brew... a term I had never heard of before... I didn't know if it was true or not...  I had never seen you acting stoned so I was doubtful... but you or someone told me years later though that you had tried shrew brew.  I thought Jeremy's mother was stupid to be throwing off what the two of you had been doing, i.e. smoking pot by trying to act as if you were the only culprit... I still think that...

You know one thing I am grateful for...  Once a month or two before she died Cara told me she had told some doctor or counselor... that of all people to become an addict... she didn't understand how she had become an addict.  She said that it was a major deal for me to even give you all a tylenol for a headache when you were growing up because I was so concerned about you all taking any kind of chemicals into your body...   Of course at the same frigging time I was smoking and that was producing a whole load of chemical toxins but I honestly didn't know...  I worked hard to figure out ways to help you both... and to encourage you to get an education so you could do well in life... 

I'm so tired of feeling guilty... wondering what I did that causes you to not need or want me in your life... I take that back... I know a lot of things I did that made you sad, mad, and all that... What I don't understand... I've never loved anyone who didn't at times make me feel every emotion there is... but I'm honestly grateful that over all love was the emotion I kept... No one is perfect... not me, not you... not anyone... I have wondered how it feels to shut people out of your life the way you do.  Do you ever feel any regret?  Do you ever remember some of the good times or hold tight to the memories of all the things I did wrong... Are you ever sad at the loss?  I don't want you to suffer I promise. 

So on this Mother's Day... I want to tell the truth... I hate Mother's Day... not because my mother died in 2006... or my daughter/your sister Cara died in 2006... Certainly I feel great sadness that my mother and daughter are gone... I miss them so often... But I talk to them inside my mind... I remember them in my life... I am so grateful for them...  No basically I feel like I have no children... To have a son who chooses to negate pretty much every bit of my life that involves you... to consider only what I didn't do right... to throw away all the love I felt and feel...   leaving me feeling like I could die this moment and it simply would not matter... might even be a relief... removing the need to make those occassional obligatory calls...  It frigging sucks..

You are able to hold on to the anger, resentment, feelings of betrayal... I just can't imagine how you will feel or even how you feel now... I pray life will be gentle with you...

I'll make it through... but I hate this day about as bad as possible...

No matter what though... I am grateful for many good memories I have of you and I... I am sorry you do not treasure them... but I guess I must accept that is what is left... and I really need to keep those memories... I love you.  Mama