I Hope You're Not Dissapointed
The last Christmas eve the three of us were together (us and your sister), you mentioned that if anything ever happened to you, you didn't want me to live alone. I asked why. The reply was you just didn't. We had just learned of the cancer at the time.
I know if I had died first, you would have moved your sister in our home, or sold the house and the two of you hopping to Florida to be closer to your remaining family. I also know how crippling my loss would have been to you, for you often expressed you would never remarry, nor seek another, for no one could come close to what you had in me. You also didn't want anyone to try to change you, for you were set in your ways.
Either your remark was a subtle hint for your sister to move in with me, or you truly didn't feel that me being a woman I should be living on my own, either because of the safety factor, you wanted me to be taken care of, or there were certain things that women couldn't or shouldn't do.
Well, honey, you realized how independent I was when we were married, and that certainly hasn't changed. If anything, my independence has become stronger. I love being on my own, making my own decisions, and taking care of myself both physically and financially. I want you back in my life so bad, but I also know I don't want nor need another man to continue my life with. I won't take care of anyone else the way I took care of you. I won't be anyone else's wife because I remain your wife. Everytime I look at my ring I picture you placing it on my finger. It was a long awaited, special day for both of us. We had a wonderful life together.
I was always capable of doing the things you so often told me I could not do. I was always capable of finding my way in the car. I can't get lost for I have a GPS now. And, I can and will make travel arrangements to visit our friends and family out-of-state. Something I would have never done when we were wed.
Instead of worrying, being dissapointed or angry, I hope you are proud of me. I hope you are always respectful of my decisions, and I hope that you love me just as much today as you did when you went with God. I will never dissapoint you, but I must live my life my way now, not the way that you might have wanted me to. Love me for who I continue to be, not what you want me to become.
I just wish I knew--
Love always and forever - Debbie
I know if I had died first, you would have moved your sister in our home, or sold the house and the two of you hopping to Florida to be closer to your remaining family. I also know how crippling my loss would have been to you, for you often expressed you would never remarry, nor seek another, for no one could come close to what you had in me. You also didn't want anyone to try to change you, for you were set in your ways.
Either your remark was a subtle hint for your sister to move in with me, or you truly didn't feel that me being a woman I should be living on my own, either because of the safety factor, you wanted me to be taken care of, or there were certain things that women couldn't or shouldn't do.
Well, honey, you realized how independent I was when we were married, and that certainly hasn't changed. If anything, my independence has become stronger. I love being on my own, making my own decisions, and taking care of myself both physically and financially. I want you back in my life so bad, but I also know I don't want nor need another man to continue my life with. I won't take care of anyone else the way I took care of you. I won't be anyone else's wife because I remain your wife. Everytime I look at my ring I picture you placing it on my finger. It was a long awaited, special day for both of us. We had a wonderful life together.
I was always capable of doing the things you so often told me I could not do. I was always capable of finding my way in the car. I can't get lost for I have a GPS now. And, I can and will make travel arrangements to visit our friends and family out-of-state. Something I would have never done when we were wed.
Instead of worrying, being dissapointed or angry, I hope you are proud of me. I hope you are always respectful of my decisions, and I hope that you love me just as much today as you did when you went with God. I will never dissapoint you, but I must live my life my way now, not the way that you might have wanted me to. Love me for who I continue to be, not what you want me to become.
I just wish I knew--
Love always and forever - Debbie
Replies
Your husband would be proud of you. Are you sure you\'re not my long lost mother? You don\'t back down. You hurt, but you don\'t pity yourself. You have become self confident and you are a most capable woman.
As for the sister moving in......in-law is a word that sticks in my throat. You are fine the way you are. Peace...Kaaren
I\'m old enough to be your mother. Surprise!
Kaaren, I don\'t want anyone moving in my home permanently. I had asked my sister-in-law, but she said no. She wasn\'t ready to give up her apartment, and she said I needed to learn to live on my own first. I unexpectedly lost her two weeks before Christmas. Heart attack - age 59. Threw me down the tube again.
It just bothers me, for sometimes I feel like he is telling me he doesn\'t want me doing this and I want to and I am. I tell him in a nice way he\'s just going to have to like it because if I had died first, he would be doing what he wanted to do, or what he felt was best for him.
This is a very sweet journal Debbie! I\'m sure He\'s proud of how far you\'ve come and your tenacity to move forward. I liked it when Kaaren said that she didn\'t NEED her husband - she WANTED him. I hear that coming from you too.
You inspire me and others on these pages. Thank you.
floyd
Floyd, I remember one time Richard said that I needed him. I said \"No, I\'m with you because I want to be, not because I need to be. There is a difference.\"
Debbie, this goes along with the...\"DH would have wanted you to...\". Wanted me to what? I haven\'t had that said to me yet, thank the Lord. The thing is, what Joe wanted and what\'s happened in the interim are two different things. I know I look at our marriage, and what I learned from him, and from myself, and apply that to who I am now. Things change, even during grief, and we adapt. We have to. I know Joe was terribly concerned with what would happen to me - as I would be if I were in his position. I pray a lot. My friends, IRL, and here, give me strength. I find strength in myself. You\'ve come a very long way since you first posted here, my friend - hugs, Marsha
Thanks Marsha. I have gotten the \"DH would have wanted you to\". And I reply, \"Have you spoken to him lately? Because if you have, I would like his phone number.\" Even though Richard is gone, my marriage is still important to me. Legally and technically I am not married anymore. But, in my heart, I am. It is who I am and I don\'t prefer to be anyone else. I learned much from Richard too, Marsha. I use it often, especially when there is a minor repair to do around the house. Oh how I wish he were here.
Wow...you certainly have come a long way from your 1st posts on here. I remember when I 1st signed on DS, and you were posting. You are a determined person and an inspiration to all on here! Good for you to have made it this far!
This new journey is only what we make it to be....day by day. I need to write some goals down or something...but it is so hard to decide what to do next when there are endless possibilities! When my husband and I talked before he died, it was summed up as, I would visit the kids alot. (both are out-of-state) But, am finding even that is hard to establish a new life from. Take care,Kate
Kate, you really don\'t have to plan anything. You are the same person now that you were when your husband was alive. If you choose, you are still his wife as he is your husband. Unfortunately, he passed away. It sucks big time. I am carrying through what my husband and I talked about, because it is what I want to do. I don\'t have to reinvent my whole life because he\'s not physically with me. To me, that would be a disrespect to him and everything we were together.