I have "sucka" stamped on my forehead
So today I went back and re-read the emails from the old affair just for a timeline perspective. Apparently THAT affair started over 4 years ago, and ended when the OW caught him with the NEW girlfriend who turned out to be the Bunny Boiler. Again, it was with someone I know fairly well. One that I even ASKED HIM ABOUT SPECIFICALLY when he had the "coming clean" conversation. He still lied. How lovely.
I am just stupid.
Since he relocated here from another country, and then we moved from one part to another, and 9/11 happened, it took an exceptionally long time for him to get his green card. In order to have something to do, he became a professional volunteer. Even got his EMT certification so that he could volunteer for the Fire Department. Once he had his green card, neither of us saw a reason for him to go find "paid work", because he was plenty busy with the house, the animals, the family, the volunteer stuff, etc.
It's *almost* funny that the old affair was with someone that was part of the volunteer work.
Anyway, here we are 15 years after he moved to the US, and 6 years after he received his green card. He doesn't work. His extra-curricular activities wittled down to nothing but his online and extramarital relationships. His depression has now compounded his inability to earn a living. We share in the care of the animals, the cooking, and what little housework gets done. I still travel regularly, but not as much as I did a year ago.
When he was hospitalized for suicidal depression after DDay, I was there. Put my own feelings and breakdown on hold to get him well. No stress, no pressure, no talking about things that upset him.
When he was diagnosed with diabetes this past December, I jumped in to rearrange our eating habits and help him get on a regimen.
So I support him financially, emotionally, and mentally while he seeks out other female "friends".
He is amazing with the grandkids, and my children love him dearly. Our mutual friends adore him, as does my extended family. I love his parents like they are my own. We are a family.
I can't throw him out, because he would have absolutely nowhere to go and no money to get there. Not to mention, I don't know that I WANT to throw him out. The grandkids would be heartbroken without him, and I don't know that I wouldn't be also.
So I'm beginning to feel like this is my life now. With him doing as he pleases, lying to me to avoid the consequences, insisting he loves me more than life, and that he's working on his issues. I can emotionally separate from him, and accept that I have a husband that I will never FEEL intimate with again and will never trust again. I can't show my sadness to him, because it sends him spiraling emotionally.
I want him to be well. I want ME to be well. I am too exhausted emotionally to even try to figure out where to start. I honestly feel like I'm right back to March of 2011.
I am just stupid.
Since he relocated here from another country, and then we moved from one part to another, and 9/11 happened, it took an exceptionally long time for him to get his green card. In order to have something to do, he became a professional volunteer. Even got his EMT certification so that he could volunteer for the Fire Department. Once he had his green card, neither of us saw a reason for him to go find "paid work", because he was plenty busy with the house, the animals, the family, the volunteer stuff, etc.
It's *almost* funny that the old affair was with someone that was part of the volunteer work.
Anyway, here we are 15 years after he moved to the US, and 6 years after he received his green card. He doesn't work. His extra-curricular activities wittled down to nothing but his online and extramarital relationships. His depression has now compounded his inability to earn a living. We share in the care of the animals, the cooking, and what little housework gets done. I still travel regularly, but not as much as I did a year ago.
When he was hospitalized for suicidal depression after DDay, I was there. Put my own feelings and breakdown on hold to get him well. No stress, no pressure, no talking about things that upset him.
When he was diagnosed with diabetes this past December, I jumped in to rearrange our eating habits and help him get on a regimen.
So I support him financially, emotionally, and mentally while he seeks out other female "friends".
He is amazing with the grandkids, and my children love him dearly. Our mutual friends adore him, as does my extended family. I love his parents like they are my own. We are a family.
I can't throw him out, because he would have absolutely nowhere to go and no money to get there. Not to mention, I don't know that I WANT to throw him out. The grandkids would be heartbroken without him, and I don't know that I wouldn't be also.
So I'm beginning to feel like this is my life now. With him doing as he pleases, lying to me to avoid the consequences, insisting he loves me more than life, and that he's working on his issues. I can emotionally separate from him, and accept that I have a husband that I will never FEEL intimate with again and will never trust again. I can't show my sadness to him, because it sends him spiraling emotionally.
I want him to be well. I want ME to be well. I am too exhausted emotionally to even try to figure out where to start. I honestly feel like I'm right back to March of 2011.
Replies
I was in a somewhat similar situation with my ex fiance (you can read my journal). He contributed little or nothing to the expenses. My grandkids LOVED him, my daughter loved him. He kept me company. We had much in common, he made me laugh. Then, one day when it all became too much for him, the lying and deceipt about bills, he up and left me. Just left in the middle of the night. Make sure you are putting yourself first always. Think carefully about what you are getting and what you are giving to the relationship. I miss Kevin. I don\'t miss who/what he became, but I miss what we were. I don\'t miss the anger, the frustration, the unknown, the stress. I\'m so so so sorry you are dealing with his cheating again. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are feeling.