I have no idea what's going on
I'm at the point that I don't know whether I had an affair with someone else, whether I had an affair alone, whether I had a good friend that I risked losing, whether I'm a masochist. Fill in the blanks. I think just about anything applies.
First things first. I'm back in touch with my friend. I'm not going to call her my xAP because I don't think she was having an affair. I was. With her. But I was also having an intense friendship, which she was having, too.
We had a very blunt e-mail exchange earlier in the week, when she pretty much told me she was pretty pissed off with me for seeking consolation here rather than talking to her. She is my best friend, after all. She's kind of right.
I spent the afternoon with her son yesterday, shopping for birthday presents and stuff for her two daughters (the boy's step sisters). Then we had dinner, all three of us.
Then I spent the day with her and all three kids. We talked a little - the kids were pretty insistent on being attended to. Did I mention this? I love the kids, and they seems to like me.
My friend has a boy friend, the first in a long time who is not an asshole, who is not fucked up, who treats her well, etc.
I told my friend that if I'm going to be her friend - and I do (more in a minute) - I'm going to have to accept the situation and will support her, and will be there whatever happens.
Some observations. I'm 26 years older than my friend. I'm married and not getting a divorce. My W doesn't know about my relationship, though she knows the woman and doesn't like her. Historically, my W has never liked any women she thinks I might like. It's just one of those things.
I love my friend more than anything. More than my wife. Close to more than my kids. Our relationship defines who I am, though I can't possibly explain what that means. I have explained to my friend that if my wife were to die, I would ask her in flash to marry me. That's how much I love her. I'm not going to use the word soulmate, other than to say I'm not going to use the word soulmate. We are a team. We are good partners.
That said, we are in different phases of my life. As I said, I'm married, older, and not getting a divorce. She's young, looking for a long-term partner of some sort. Her kids have their fathers, and there is joint custody, so it's not like she's looking for a father for the kids. But she doesn't want to be alone. And I can't blame her for that. And she deserves it. I know it sounds trite, but she is the most wonderful person and the best thing that's ever happened to me.
So why the lengthy journal entry?
We talked briefly today, but with the kids around it was tough. I know she's head over heels with this new boyfriend, and that has to be okay. As much as I want to be physically intimate and more emotionally intimate, that just can't happen. And I know, or think I know, that she loves me deeply. Maybe not the kind of head over heels that I am, but love nonetheless.
So, when I leave her today I text her to tell her that she's the best friend ever. And I believe that. Remember, I know the constraints. They are real. And I understand them, and yet her friendship is valuable to me. She answers, I don't think so.
Hmmmmmm. I responded first with question marks and then with a text that we need to talk more, or to talk less, or I just need to stfu. So why doesn't she think she's such a good friend. Does she not in fact love me? Is she conflicted by her love for me and the new boyfriend relationship? I have to say, she's definitely not misleading me. I may not like the score, but I know what the score is. Unless she tells me she's absolutely done with me, I'm not going NC again. I am prepared to drive myself insane loving her while she develops a relationship with someone else. She joked that if they got married, I'd be her best man. Ha Ha. Maybe it turns out she's not as relaxed about the situation. Maybe she wants more with me. Maybe she wants me out of her life so she can go about having a normal relationship without pressure from my presence. But we've always been able to talk about these things, and so I can't help but wonder if it's that or something else entirely. Or whether I should say anything more via text or leave the next move to her.
So we'll talk about it. Or not. In any case, I have my second IC session on Monday, and I'm hoping that will help.
First things first. I'm back in touch with my friend. I'm not going to call her my xAP because I don't think she was having an affair. I was. With her. But I was also having an intense friendship, which she was having, too.
We had a very blunt e-mail exchange earlier in the week, when she pretty much told me she was pretty pissed off with me for seeking consolation here rather than talking to her. She is my best friend, after all. She's kind of right.
I spent the afternoon with her son yesterday, shopping for birthday presents and stuff for her two daughters (the boy's step sisters). Then we had dinner, all three of us.
Then I spent the day with her and all three kids. We talked a little - the kids were pretty insistent on being attended to. Did I mention this? I love the kids, and they seems to like me.
My friend has a boy friend, the first in a long time who is not an asshole, who is not fucked up, who treats her well, etc.
I told my friend that if I'm going to be her friend - and I do (more in a minute) - I'm going to have to accept the situation and will support her, and will be there whatever happens.
Some observations. I'm 26 years older than my friend. I'm married and not getting a divorce. My W doesn't know about my relationship, though she knows the woman and doesn't like her. Historically, my W has never liked any women she thinks I might like. It's just one of those things.
I love my friend more than anything. More than my wife. Close to more than my kids. Our relationship defines who I am, though I can't possibly explain what that means. I have explained to my friend that if my wife were to die, I would ask her in flash to marry me. That's how much I love her. I'm not going to use the word soulmate, other than to say I'm not going to use the word soulmate. We are a team. We are good partners.
That said, we are in different phases of my life. As I said, I'm married, older, and not getting a divorce. She's young, looking for a long-term partner of some sort. Her kids have their fathers, and there is joint custody, so it's not like she's looking for a father for the kids. But she doesn't want to be alone. And I can't blame her for that. And she deserves it. I know it sounds trite, but she is the most wonderful person and the best thing that's ever happened to me.
So why the lengthy journal entry?
We talked briefly today, but with the kids around it was tough. I know she's head over heels with this new boyfriend, and that has to be okay. As much as I want to be physically intimate and more emotionally intimate, that just can't happen. And I know, or think I know, that she loves me deeply. Maybe not the kind of head over heels that I am, but love nonetheless.
So, when I leave her today I text her to tell her that she's the best friend ever. And I believe that. Remember, I know the constraints. They are real. And I understand them, and yet her friendship is valuable to me. She answers, I don't think so.
Hmmmmmm. I responded first with question marks and then with a text that we need to talk more, or to talk less, or I just need to stfu. So why doesn't she think she's such a good friend. Does she not in fact love me? Is she conflicted by her love for me and the new boyfriend relationship? I have to say, she's definitely not misleading me. I may not like the score, but I know what the score is. Unless she tells me she's absolutely done with me, I'm not going NC again. I am prepared to drive myself insane loving her while she develops a relationship with someone else. She joked that if they got married, I'd be her best man. Ha Ha. Maybe it turns out she's not as relaxed about the situation. Maybe she wants more with me. Maybe she wants me out of her life so she can go about having a normal relationship without pressure from my presence. But we've always been able to talk about these things, and so I can't help but wonder if it's that or something else entirely. Or whether I should say anything more via text or leave the next move to her.
So we'll talk about it. Or not. In any case, I have my second IC session on Monday, and I'm hoping that will help.
Replies
Your friendship with your best friend is more complicated than most other friendships because you are head over heals in love with her.
There will ALWAYS be CONFLICT OF INTEREST issues that YOU bring into relationship both of you share. It is then up to you and your friend to resolve those conflict of interest issues.
Whatever ends up happening with the relationship between you and your friend, you will always end up feeling jealous and resentful because your friend has romantic relationship with OTHER men and not yourself.
I know. But when they talk about cheating as an addiction , they couldn\'t be more right. It\'s not quite black or white, but I have to measure the pain of resentment and jealousy against the utter bleak pain of NC.
I was just reminding you that as long as you are in a relationship with your best friend, you will ALWAYS have to deal with the issues I mentioned, EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Despair, you can always continue to journal about the EXPECTED problems between you and your best friend.
Talk about brutally honest. I wish I could say you\'re wrong but we both know you\'re not.
My question for you is...IF YOU LOVE YOUR BEST FRIEND AS MUCH AS YOU SAY YOU DO THEN WHY NOT GET A DIVORCE...since you are not gonna use the word soul mates you are a team/great partners...life is short and not everyone finds their soul mate...I lost my soul mate...I would rather just slip
away forever then to keep feeling this pain...
Km, good question. And the answers I\'m sure you\'ve all heard before.
1. My friend refuses to be the ow, the housebreaker.
2. I\'ve never seriously asked if she would marry me.
3. My w and I don\'t not love each other. 30 years is a long time and I\'m not going to be the one to destroy that. Sure, I maybe doing my bit toward destroying it, but you know what I mean
4. W and I run a business together. Our income is locked together. If have no job and no money if we divorced. And even if we were to come to some sort of arrangement that\'s not what friend is looking for.
5 as much as I want more from out relationship if I were to die today it would be enough to know that we had what we did.
So you want to have your cake and eat it too? That\'s what my AP wants, it\'s his perfect scenario. I think she sees it as you don\'t love her enough to make a real commitment to her, just enough to have some on the side. That\'s not fair to her if your not going to give her all of you. The knowledge that you don\'t come first in someone\'s life is painful.
Good point. On the one hand I see her as having it both ways. A friend (me) who will do anything for her, and s boyfriend for everything else on the other hand, I\'m not leaving my wife and she doesn\'t want to be the home wrecker. What a tangled web.