I have no idea what I just wrote, its the pain talking.....

   As much as I would love to be sleeping peacefully right now, once again I'm not. I'm wide awake without a single blink of the eye. I found a red bump where my shingles once was and where my PHN now resides permanently. Though it may be nothing, I can't convince myself to ignore it. Because ignoring that devistating rash in the first place is what got me in this situation. I'm afraid of going through it again and more so, I'm afraid of putting my health into a doctor's hands. I don't trust them, I never have, never will. At 17 years old with Shingles and then PHN, I became their ultimate guinea pig. They tried every drug on me, none of them which worked. And everytime they suggested a new drug, I found a new doctor. I'm tired of running from them, when the reality is I have to face them. Most of the time, I feel so strong. Pain has become my shadow, rather than the person I am. Its always there, so I think in a way you learn to breathe with it literally taking your breath away. I dream of the day I won't have to deal with this burden, and I have nightmares of the reality that it won't just dissapear. I hold my breath, I can't to three and I continue the task at hand. It comes and goes, not the pain... it stays with me through it all... but my strength comes and goes. I find it when it needs to be found, and I lose it when I need it the most. I guess that's the battle of pain. Your strength fails you and keeps you going at the same time. It's moments like this where I close my eyes and realize that wasting my energy on pointless tears is never going to change anything. I close my eyes and see the invisible weapons being used to push me down. The invisible pain that tests me on a daily basis. The invisible pain that no one around me can ever begin to understand, let alone even know about. I'm afraid and I'm tired of being afraid. I'm afraid of all the nights I'll have to spend pouring my heart out on some "strength" website. When it does nothing for my pain, but more for my sanity. I'm weak and afraid tonight. I have a rock in my stomach that won't let me walk away from this hole my pain has dug for me. I've accepted that along with the pain, nights like these will come. And tomorrow, I will most likely wake up, take a deep breath, and do what I need to do. I'm tired, I'm weak, and I'm afraid of what else I'll have to deal with and fight head on. I'm fighting this. I'm fighting strength, weakness, and doubt. I'm fighting to keep hope. I'm fighting to believe. I'm fighting to be my own person and not let the pain define me. But reality is, beneath the mask of a person I share with those around me, every single thing I say and do, is a reflection of the pain I'm in. Even if this means there's a smile on my face. Or if there's a tear in my eye... it's most likely underlying pain. It's sad really. If I were watching myself from another point of view.. knowing what I go through, I'd feel horrible. I'd feel sad for myself. But the truth is, I don't. I don't think I've ever felt bad for myself, I've seen worse than this. But evaluating how I feel about it, seems too numb to comprehend. All the things I've said in this post, I feel numb to. They're all my words, they're all in my head, but what I feel right now is numb. My brain thinks it, my hands and fingers write it out, and my heart is numb to the negativity that drives these words. I want more out of life than to spend nights alone, pouring my emotions out. When feeling bad, means feeling numb you seem to realize that pain may not be the worst part of phn, but in fact its the emotions that come from it that make it bad. Anyone can take the pain, it may be hell, but your body can handle it. This is where you decide whether or not you're strong enough to decide it's not going to kill you. And by that I mean steal your life. At night, I may be weak. And I allow this because no one is strong all the time. Not even the average person walking down the street without a single problem in their life. There are and will be times where they will be weak. I think too many people feel sorry for themselves, and being weak seems easier than being strong. It's a decision. It's a decision with every trial that comes your way. You can decide to let it win, or you can battle it out. Either way, in the end, it will be your decision that determined the outcome. I'll be strong tomorrow. Tonight I'll be weak. I'm twenty-one years old and I have a million more things to learn about trial and error. I refuse to learn the hard way by being weak, because in the end... being weak will never win.