i have let myself down the most

This night would have been hard enough. The last year has been hard, but the last three months have been extremely hard, as they have been the first time in his life that my son has had nothing to do with me. No contact at all, his choice as advised by his counselor. He does not know, or if he does, doesn't care that I have not drank any alcohol for 129 days now. That was just one of his problems with me. Yes, I am still caregiver to my parents and we haven't hired someone else to do what I do here as he also requested. We don't want to do that, and can't even imagine how we would find and pay all the different people that would take. Plus, it would not suit his grandparents at all. But, no I haven't gone to any places I knew or even thought he might be, another request. Nor have I tried to contact him, since I was told not to, besides a very short birthday text in October. Maybe I shouldn't have done that, but I am his mom.
No, all of that would have been enough to make this a bad time for me, but I thought I was doing so well a few weeks ago that i went of my anti-depressant, all by myself. Stupid move, of course. It is physically and emotionally really painful. I wasn't feeling as depressed because I was doing work on myself; reading and learning and practicing the things I need to, praying and meditating. But the truth was none of that would have worked without the meds. I may get off them someday, but it sure won't be when I decide I can. The problem here is that I can't get them until the 6th of January because of where I get them and the program though which i do, so I'm just white knuckling it. Not at all recommended, I can tell you. 
I won't even go in to the caregiver instances that have happened just today. It's just the norm that wouldn't bother me nearly as much if my nerves weren't quite so raw. I love them and can deal with this stuff, even if I do have to go cry in private afterwards.
I'm doing my best to get through this, and I wish for myself and all of you the best new year in 2014. For me, it can only get better!!