I have given up!
I am just so lost.....I gave up on life, marriage a long time ago. Now I am just existing. That is for my kids. I have lost interest in every aspect of my life. I used to be a fun person but I don't know what fun is anymore.
I pretend in front of my kids but sometimes the anger and hurt come out. My 5 year old asks me "why am I so mad" because I lose control and yell, scream, curse at the littlest things.......needless to say my 14 year old son just avoids me. He is a good son though. He does what I tell him and when I make a meal or just sandwiches he always hugs and thanks me.
I really don't deserve them. So much has happened in the past six months. My dog passed away, I got on disability which was good but only gave me a reason to leave my husband as he would not leave HIS house, found out I have diabetes, my mom was hospitalized on Mother's Day and has been in hospital 3 times since then; she is high risk for falling, my panic attacks have kept me in my small town and my kids ask why I won't go to the movies or to the museum etc..., can't seem to lose weight as I stay around 200 lbs, can't find a good therapist for lack of insurance; I've been to so many wouldn't help anyway, found out my sister has ovarian cancer and she just had surgery and now has to go through chemo; she needs my help, my brother in law has already lost his legs up to his knees now the doctors may want to take more because he is not healing.
All this stress; I don't see how people handle it. For the past few weeks, I take my kids to school, come home and sleep. I go for days like 4 or 5 days without taking a shower. I did go the other day to help my mom take a shower then went to pick my daughter up from school for early release only to start panicking when trapped in traffic.
I have thought about suicide so much but I just can't do that here my sister is fighting for her life and wishing my would end. I don't understand. Why didn't God give me the cancer. I wouldn't have fought it.
I pour my heart out to a confidant someone I've always trusted just to get no response from her as I did it by email. Don't know why. I even asked her; she said she'd email me but hasn't.
I believe in God. I truly do. I believe in miracles. But my beliefs are in vain because I believe it for other people and not myself. Does that make me a hypocrite?
I am so lonely. But I would NEVER EVER return to my husband as he emotionally neglected me and never acknowledged my illness. I was a good christian, happy in life until I met him and became like him. I fell into his trap and his negativity took control over me.
I have all this "Hate" bottled up inside me. Towards a lot of people. People I shouldn't hate but do because they have let me down and they probably don't even know it. This mental illness is the worst thing a person can have. Because it is overlooked, unrecognized, thrown to the side. No one knows what its like until you've been here.
I have given up..............
I pretend in front of my kids but sometimes the anger and hurt come out. My 5 year old asks me "why am I so mad" because I lose control and yell, scream, curse at the littlest things.......needless to say my 14 year old son just avoids me. He is a good son though. He does what I tell him and when I make a meal or just sandwiches he always hugs and thanks me.
I really don't deserve them. So much has happened in the past six months. My dog passed away, I got on disability which was good but only gave me a reason to leave my husband as he would not leave HIS house, found out I have diabetes, my mom was hospitalized on Mother's Day and has been in hospital 3 times since then; she is high risk for falling, my panic attacks have kept me in my small town and my kids ask why I won't go to the movies or to the museum etc..., can't seem to lose weight as I stay around 200 lbs, can't find a good therapist for lack of insurance; I've been to so many wouldn't help anyway, found out my sister has ovarian cancer and she just had surgery and now has to go through chemo; she needs my help, my brother in law has already lost his legs up to his knees now the doctors may want to take more because he is not healing.
All this stress; I don't see how people handle it. For the past few weeks, I take my kids to school, come home and sleep. I go for days like 4 or 5 days without taking a shower. I did go the other day to help my mom take a shower then went to pick my daughter up from school for early release only to start panicking when trapped in traffic.
I have thought about suicide so much but I just can't do that here my sister is fighting for her life and wishing my would end. I don't understand. Why didn't God give me the cancer. I wouldn't have fought it.
I pour my heart out to a confidant someone I've always trusted just to get no response from her as I did it by email. Don't know why. I even asked her; she said she'd email me but hasn't.
I believe in God. I truly do. I believe in miracles. But my beliefs are in vain because I believe it for other people and not myself. Does that make me a hypocrite?
I am so lonely. But I would NEVER EVER return to my husband as he emotionally neglected me and never acknowledged my illness. I was a good christian, happy in life until I met him and became like him. I fell into his trap and his negativity took control over me.
I have all this "Hate" bottled up inside me. Towards a lot of people. People I shouldn't hate but do because they have let me down and they probably don't even know it. This mental illness is the worst thing a person can have. Because it is overlooked, unrecognized, thrown to the side. No one knows what its like until you've been here.
I have given up..............
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