I Have Cancer==#2
There are certain days in your life that are always etched in your minds...as all of us here on DS/FMO knows....those days every detail, every minute is remembered.
Sept 13, 1979, a beautiful fall day, could not have been a more perfect day for fall...the weather outstanding, the trees were different colors most beautiful ones ever, the windows all open and nice breeze filling the rooms with the sweet smells of fall....all was well with my life...four wonderful boys....a good husband...a new home...cars...motor home...friends..church....and of course our dog Heidi........what more could really one ask for that day as I sat and finished watching my soap opera waiting for my family to come home for the evening.......the beginning of a beautiful day ending into a beautiful evening with the family...until...until that moment when my husband came home early from work to tell me "I HAVE CANCER"!!!!
The boys all arrived home about 30 minutes later, and I knew I had to pretend everything was okay....so as usual...out came some after school treats...making sure home work was done....then to go out and play till dinner......and until my husband came back home......
Dinner was served............the boys talked about their day......Lee and I sat and listened as if it was just a normal day...after all you don't just say to your kids....dad has cancer........so we continue our dinner.....evening came...the boys took their baths and got ready for bed.....Whew, wearing that mask was a very difficult mask to wear that day.
About a year before (and trust me, we had no ideal that it had been a year), my husband had come home and told me that this thing he had on his arm, he had hit and it was bleeding....so I had taken him to the ER....we were assured that it was nothing...put a bandage on it and he would be fine...Not being a family that went to doctor's much we just did what he said.............until
One night we were out to dinner just he and I...I noticed that this thing that he had bumped had turned so black with little white spots on it.....at that time I told him...he was seeing a doctor....he had complained to me for some time about it oozing when he showered and bothered him, but would not consider seeing a doctor...this time I gave him no choice....
We went to the doctor....the doctor didn't say much but his face showed a lot...he said he would send it off, come back in 2 weeks to have the stitches removed.....
Sept 13, 1979, Lee returned to the doctor to have the stitches removed....the day that was the perfect fall day,leaves on the trees were all the different beautiful colors....looking forward to a beautiful evening with the family....that day that seemed so beautiful....was the beginning of what was going to be one of the worst days of mine/ours life.....
The day that changed our lives forever.....turned our lived upside inside out...into a world that we had no idea where to even begin....The day that the word "Cancer" took over our life.....
That night after the boys were in bed, we went to our room...All the movies, the tv shows....all the things that one has seen such as "The Love Story", all of it is fake...one of the spouses get cancer, everything is so loving, it leads one to not know how you should act or do.....That night laying in bed together...I can remember thinking, what should I do...if I cry he will think I am not strong,....if I don't cry he will think I don't care....I felt so confused...I know what I wanted to do...I just wanted to cry and cry and cry and as we laid there holding each other, talking about the "cancer"....holding on to each other....not once the whole night did we close our eyes to sleep....we held on as strong as we could to each other and cry,,,,,yes we cried and cried and cried....what would happen now...where did we go from there......all night we just held each other and cried until daybreak came through our windows.................Reality of the day before and the entire night was now forever etched in our minds.......we were in this together and we had discussed how we would tell the boys that night when everyone was home....we would sit down with the boys and try to explain to them what was happening....as much as we could...as much as we knew how.....but we would try to assure them that everything was going to be okay.....
That night our plan, after dinner we would all sit together and share with the boys that their dad had CANCER....and we knew it would be one of the next worst days of our lives....."The Big "C" had become a part of our family!!!!!!!how would our boys handle knowing that their dad might die? That was a question we could not answer.....
To be cont......
Sept 13, 1979, a beautiful fall day, could not have been a more perfect day for fall...the weather outstanding, the trees were different colors most beautiful ones ever, the windows all open and nice breeze filling the rooms with the sweet smells of fall....all was well with my life...four wonderful boys....a good husband...a new home...cars...motor home...friends..church....and of course our dog Heidi........what more could really one ask for that day as I sat and finished watching my soap opera waiting for my family to come home for the evening.......the beginning of a beautiful day ending into a beautiful evening with the family...until...until that moment when my husband came home early from work to tell me "I HAVE CANCER"!!!!
The boys all arrived home about 30 minutes later, and I knew I had to pretend everything was okay....so as usual...out came some after school treats...making sure home work was done....then to go out and play till dinner......and until my husband came back home......
Dinner was served............the boys talked about their day......Lee and I sat and listened as if it was just a normal day...after all you don't just say to your kids....dad has cancer........so we continue our dinner.....evening came...the boys took their baths and got ready for bed.....Whew, wearing that mask was a very difficult mask to wear that day.
About a year before (and trust me, we had no ideal that it had been a year), my husband had come home and told me that this thing he had on his arm, he had hit and it was bleeding....so I had taken him to the ER....we were assured that it was nothing...put a bandage on it and he would be fine...Not being a family that went to doctor's much we just did what he said.............until
One night we were out to dinner just he and I...I noticed that this thing that he had bumped had turned so black with little white spots on it.....at that time I told him...he was seeing a doctor....he had complained to me for some time about it oozing when he showered and bothered him, but would not consider seeing a doctor...this time I gave him no choice....
We went to the doctor....the doctor didn't say much but his face showed a lot...he said he would send it off, come back in 2 weeks to have the stitches removed.....
Sept 13, 1979, Lee returned to the doctor to have the stitches removed....the day that was the perfect fall day,leaves on the trees were all the different beautiful colors....looking forward to a beautiful evening with the family....that day that seemed so beautiful....was the beginning of what was going to be one of the worst days of mine/ours life.....
The day that changed our lives forever.....turned our lived upside inside out...into a world that we had no idea where to even begin....The day that the word "Cancer" took over our life.....
That night after the boys were in bed, we went to our room...All the movies, the tv shows....all the things that one has seen such as "The Love Story", all of it is fake...one of the spouses get cancer, everything is so loving, it leads one to not know how you should act or do.....That night laying in bed together...I can remember thinking, what should I do...if I cry he will think I am not strong,....if I don't cry he will think I don't care....I felt so confused...I know what I wanted to do...I just wanted to cry and cry and cry and as we laid there holding each other, talking about the "cancer"....holding on to each other....not once the whole night did we close our eyes to sleep....we held on as strong as we could to each other and cry,,,,,yes we cried and cried and cried....what would happen now...where did we go from there......all night we just held each other and cried until daybreak came through our windows.................Reality of the day before and the entire night was now forever etched in our minds.......we were in this together and we had discussed how we would tell the boys that night when everyone was home....we would sit down with the boys and try to explain to them what was happening....as much as we could...as much as we knew how.....but we would try to assure them that everything was going to be okay.....
That night our plan, after dinner we would all sit together and share with the boys that their dad had CANCER....and we knew it would be one of the next worst days of our lives....."The Big "C" had become a part of our family!!!!!!!how would our boys handle knowing that their dad might die? That was a question we could not answer.....
To be cont......
Replies
Everything changes, just like that. The trapdoor opens, and you fall through, into a world that looks the same but everything is different. The trees and the houses are still standing and you just can\'t understand a damn thing. None of it makes sense anymore, after that moment when you find out... and you realize how innocent you were before, what sweet naive innocence it is to be alive and NOT know how you are going to die.
Big hug, for my heart knows your sorrow and the terror you knew.
Love, Sarah
Wow, you just never know when tragedy is going to strike. Thanks for sharing this Sandi just in case I ever have to go through it with myself or my family.
Love,
Leda
We live our lives from day to day, week to week, as if that is all there is to it. But then those big things hit us, and everything changes. You can\'t prepare yourself for the big things...they come and go on their own schedule, and we have to accept them, and deal with them as best we can.
We humans like to think we have everything under control, it\'s part of who we are. But ultimately it\'s an illusion. When the winds come, it all gets torn away. So we try to rebuild our lives, and try to forget the storm. It\'s what we\'ve always done for thousands and thousands of years.
I keep wanting to read more, Sandi but have to bide my time until the next installment!
That must have been so very hard...I can\'t imagine wondering how to break the news to your children; having to emotionally support your husband-- and all at the time when you are beset yourself with your own inner concerns and fears...certainly not an easy thing at all...
Love+Hugs, Donna
Sandi, I am always glued to your words.....all the intimate details of a family facing this monstrous disease and eventual death have been expressed so well. I thought of myself as you described your idyllic life...as a good homemaker and mother with all things going smoothly ...until.....
Love, dale....brandon\'s mom
The frist thought that ran through my mind was your boys........they had to be very young at the time. I can only imagine their fears as such a young age........living the american dream, only to be schattered by this disease.
So very sad..........Love to you, Pat
Those *C* moments mirror that of movie reels film motion on a projector clicking by our lives of vibrant colors, images, sounds, movement, emotions in flow as if on command with conductor of a symphony caught off guard and instantly HALTED that defining image of the moment, the detail of stunned understanding how life will never be the same, as it is burned into memory of heart & mind when all we knew of family bliss becomes burned into the light bulb framing the last image of that time as when the film reel projector suddenly stops and the big screen becomes hypnotic the image of what we knew & treasured suddenly becomes intense while it vividly disappears like the film scatters clarity from the bulbs heat and disintegrates on the big screen everything fades to white in that instance the *original* as we were blessed to know it, now, forever altered ...
Sandi, my heart is hugging your heart, dear one. Thank you for sharing the depth of your September 13, 1979. De
Sandi, these two journal entries are so, I don\'t have the words. Wow. I kept wanting to read more also. I think you should write a book, I would buy it. Made me stop and think about the man I have been married to for 43 years and of my children.....very touching entry. Life is so tenuous, so fragile sometimes. You have had alot to deal with and you have handled it wonderfully.
Hugs, Carol