I have a plan

okay, so i know i do best when i have plans, lists, when things feel like i have some control over how i interact with what i need to do or want to do. so with the brit lit online labs i'm going to try something different. i know my prof expects that i'll have made my contributions by sunday night because i told him i'd work on getting my participation in on saturday and sunday, but bah, i'm only now getting to a place where i can even think about workin on this without a massive anxiety issue. i tried to open the group discussion webpage on saturday afternoon and ended up in another fugue state or whatever those awake-blackouts are called.  my new approach is distance between and the online space that's freaking me out. i copied the discussion questions into word and then wrote them on a notepad. it's not so overwhelming feeling now. i'm going to take a little break and then write up my responseson the notepad and then type it into word and then paste it into the discussion space. even writing out the process is calming for me, and makes it seem manageable.  someone else would probably think the whole thing ridiculous or creating way more work for no reason, but if this is what it's going to take to get me through this then that's what's going to happen.  i'm at denny's now doing work. i get more done here than i do at home and i feel okay, more ready to be productive in this way.  there's been a lot of discussion on the board in the last couple of days about beepers trying to fit into the mould of normal productivity, holding jobs, etc. i know that i'm not ready for anything like that but i WANT my degree, and to succeed at school. i know i'm not normal. i know my brain doesn't work like other people's but i'm trying to work around my limitations without falling to despair about how my goals and wants can't be achieved in the same manner or time frame as other people.  i'm reminded of what my counsellor has been saying, what works for me, isn't neccessarily what's going to work for anyone else. she guide and suggest but i shouldn't hold myself to her standard because she (and no one else) is me and can't know or be as i am with my responses. that's not exactly what she said but it's an approximation that works for me. i wish more people could understand that, take that perspective and not expect "normalcy" from us.  anyway, break time, then work. i'm feeling more settled than i have in the last couple of days so yay! for the mood upgrade. i don't know if that'll hold. but it's good enough to be going on with for now.