I hate this I hate this I hate this!
This is my vent for today (sorry in advance).
Last night snuggled up on the lounge my boyfriend and I watched a chick flick (and I know he was trying to help me with my pain in a way, he avoids chick flicks at all costs!). Then in an ad break out of no where I started crying, I was in a lot of pain... I said "I'm scared, I'm scared I'll never get better and it's so hard". He stroked my hair and said "it'll be ok, I will always be here, and if things don't get better, I'll still be here, I'll look after you I promise" - Thats love, right there. He's scared too, and worried, but he truely doesn't blame this disease on me, or makes me feel like crap for having it. He never pulls the cards "but you're always sick, lets do something!" rather, go lay down, I'll get your heat pack, and goes off playing poker or play station, checking in on my every half hour. I just really want to start this off with I am blessed and I am thankful for it everyday. I tell him too :) I have semi good days, and I try to make the most of them by doing something with him, and of course he has his boys nights playing poker or hanging out. I know this can be full on and while I don't get a leave pass from the disease I truely think he deserves it, he works so hard and stands by my side, a night with the boys having a few drinks and a game of poker is the least I can do right?
Now, on another note. I hate this disease. I hate nothing works, I hate the consant surgery, I hate the pain killers, I hate the associated illness', I hate the pain, the suffering, I hate not being able to work, I hate not being able to socalise, I hate being a complexing case, I hate this. ARGH. (ok childish vent done). Im so sick of constant pain being the 'norm' to me. I hate needing painkillers to somewhat get me through the day. I hate not getting a decent nights sleep. I have no hope in this next surgery giving me relief, I just truely want to know whats going on inside, I want to know where I stand with my body.
Jason's boss said to him yesterday "if she is truely the girl you want to be with, you need to have children ASAP because that will fix her! it doesn't matter when you have them, earlier the better!"
I was shocked! Is he going to give Jason a raise to support a family on a single income? I know it's coming in about 3 years but not now. Does he realise I could be back to sqaure 1 after children? Does he also realise we're not set up for a family? I'm 20 years old? I'm doing my degree? I don't feel like I could be a good mother at the moment, I love children unconditionally but I just don't think now is a good time. I love Jason unconditionally too, but we're not ready, not yet. We're thinking another 3-4 years, I'll have my degree (hopefully) Jason will be manager and his wage alone will be enough for us if I were unable to work, hopefully I can get some sort of work too, even casual days. Then we will be ok.
But no.. did you all know popping out children fixes us? It frustrates me people are like that. But I can't blame his boss, it's obviously all he knows.
Thats all for now, tonight Jases dad, step mum and his brother and sister come over for a BBQ - lets hope I can manage something! Luckily Jason likes cooking the BBQ (something to do with being a man :P ?) so I'll make a salad put out the condiments and be done. Sit myself down, heat pack and all.
I hope you're all feeling great today, Thankyou for being here, you all make it that bit easier on me :)
xx
Last night snuggled up on the lounge my boyfriend and I watched a chick flick (and I know he was trying to help me with my pain in a way, he avoids chick flicks at all costs!). Then in an ad break out of no where I started crying, I was in a lot of pain... I said "I'm scared, I'm scared I'll never get better and it's so hard". He stroked my hair and said "it'll be ok, I will always be here, and if things don't get better, I'll still be here, I'll look after you I promise" - Thats love, right there. He's scared too, and worried, but he truely doesn't blame this disease on me, or makes me feel like crap for having it. He never pulls the cards "but you're always sick, lets do something!" rather, go lay down, I'll get your heat pack, and goes off playing poker or play station, checking in on my every half hour. I just really want to start this off with I am blessed and I am thankful for it everyday. I tell him too :) I have semi good days, and I try to make the most of them by doing something with him, and of course he has his boys nights playing poker or hanging out. I know this can be full on and while I don't get a leave pass from the disease I truely think he deserves it, he works so hard and stands by my side, a night with the boys having a few drinks and a game of poker is the least I can do right?
Now, on another note. I hate this disease. I hate nothing works, I hate the consant surgery, I hate the pain killers, I hate the associated illness', I hate the pain, the suffering, I hate not being able to work, I hate not being able to socalise, I hate being a complexing case, I hate this. ARGH. (ok childish vent done). Im so sick of constant pain being the 'norm' to me. I hate needing painkillers to somewhat get me through the day. I hate not getting a decent nights sleep. I have no hope in this next surgery giving me relief, I just truely want to know whats going on inside, I want to know where I stand with my body.
Jason's boss said to him yesterday "if she is truely the girl you want to be with, you need to have children ASAP because that will fix her! it doesn't matter when you have them, earlier the better!"
I was shocked! Is he going to give Jason a raise to support a family on a single income? I know it's coming in about 3 years but not now. Does he realise I could be back to sqaure 1 after children? Does he also realise we're not set up for a family? I'm 20 years old? I'm doing my degree? I don't feel like I could be a good mother at the moment, I love children unconditionally but I just don't think now is a good time. I love Jason unconditionally too, but we're not ready, not yet. We're thinking another 3-4 years, I'll have my degree (hopefully) Jason will be manager and his wage alone will be enough for us if I were unable to work, hopefully I can get some sort of work too, even casual days. Then we will be ok.
But no.. did you all know popping out children fixes us? It frustrates me people are like that. But I can't blame his boss, it's obviously all he knows.
Thats all for now, tonight Jases dad, step mum and his brother and sister come over for a BBQ - lets hope I can manage something! Luckily Jason likes cooking the BBQ (something to do with being a man :P ?) so I'll make a salad put out the condiments and be done. Sit myself down, heat pack and all.
I hope you're all feeling great today, Thankyou for being here, you all make it that bit easier on me :)
xx
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