I hate this feeling..truly SUCKS

About a week ago my ex texts me to say "hey checking in, seeing how youre doing"..WTF was that. Its just total bullshit, the dumper is happy as a clam in their new life they dreamed about for God knows how long before they pull the trigger. Foolishly I ended up talking to her and then we had a few more convos over the course of a couple days about our daughter and my exes mother who had a pretty bad foot injury thats requiring surgery. Thought I handled it well at the time but dammit having contact like that is BAD NEWS. I had gone over 30 days NC and was cruising along fine...I had told her before going NC it wasnt in the cards for us to be "friends"..I think with the holidays coming up, having lost my wife and mom within a few months of each other this year, its all hitting me.
My daughter and son are spending Thanksgiving with me, we're gonna cook and whatnot, we got that part figured out, but there is just such a sense of loss I cant shake. The urge to contact her gets unbelievably bad. The pull towards the bottle of booze is getting uncontrollable. (even though it always makes me feel like total shit the next day, the numbness it brings calls me over and over)...
I had a friend here suggest I point blank ask her if there was any chance for us in the future and while I am extremely tempted to ask that question, I know the answer already and I dont think I want to go through that again. My friend than made the correct suggestion if the answer is no, and that is I HAVE TO STOP THIS SHIT. Once we made contact again it was back to checking the phones for texts and all the bullshit that goes with breaking NC. She did call me yesterday, I saw her number pop up (i deleted her as a contact, just seeing her name was no good for me), anyway I saw her number and didnt answer. I KNOW deep down it doesnt do me any good to yak with her.
My 50th Bday is coming up in a couple weeks, shouldve been a milestone but its gonna be pretty subdued. Im sure thats not helping me either..50 and starting over, screw that shit, I dont see another relationship in my future, not for a long ass while and even then why bother? Go through this again? No thanks. Im seriously thinking getting my daughter through this last year of high school then selling my house and pocketing some equity cash and taking a goddamned break from life for a few months. At least I have the freedom now to go wherever the hell I want to. 
Sorry for this rant, just feeling like shit, almost 9 months post breakup after 24 years isnt enough to heal at least for me unfortunately. Gotta get back into NC as being friendly hurts me too much, even my 17 year old daughter tells me not to answer and block her number. She sees what it does to me. 

Replies

Missy73
Missy73

Hey Coop. I\'m sorry you\'re feeling down. It\'s easy to get sucked back in when you have positive experience with your ex after so long. These feelings are just a reminder of the importance of no contact. Luckily it\'s never too late to start again.

I recently rejoined Weight Watchers. My leader told our group, \"if food didn\'t cause your problem, it shouldn\'t be the soluntion.\" I think the same is true of alcohol. It will only numb your pain and when you sober up you\'ll just feel guilty and ashamed in addition to being upset about your marriage.

I hope things get better for you soon.
AmyM2014
AmyM2014

Coop, I am sorry you have gone through this again - I truly understand. NC is hard but for the best, and I keep relearning that lesson though I am doing better about it, most of the time. We have a few financial and legal matters to settle and then I don\'t know what will happen. Sometimes I think we can be friends but that might just rip us up too much emotionally. I had a bad experience a couple of weeks ago. He asked me to do him a small favor (loan him a ladder) and I said ok. He never showed up but that day I got an email from the woman who has been pursuing him since before he left me. The email was disturbing on many levels and she had to have been in his email account to get my address). She said some nasty things about him and then cut and pasted email exchanges between the two of them that were going on a LONG time ago that tore me up inside...proving that he was indeed lying to me. Turns out she is mentally ill - she drove down here a long way to his house....and tried to kill herself in his house and ended up in the psych ward. I went off on him and said I better never hear from her again....or see her near my home. I know someone who works in that psych ward and she told me that he and I both need to watch our backs - she has a serious personality disorder.

I hear you on the birthday and holiday feelings...and the family issues. That all depresses me a bit and I need to change that attitude somehow.

Sending you a hug.
panther99
panther99

My therapist said..\"you lost a marriage and an important relationship the last few years, I don\'t think it is wrong to take time to heal..and a few months is not too long\" After 24 yrs of a marriage..it is gonna take a little more that 8 - 9 months. Try to be kind to yourself. Like everyone has been telling me, you\'re only human.You didn\'t fall out of love with her. Definitely, if you know that getting back with her is a no go..then cut her off. I don\'t know your ex wife, but I know my ex and I think it was a game to have me still waiting there for him. I hope if he contacts me in any way, I can be strong and just not give in. I hope the same for you, friend.
Every day is a new day, right? Every morning..heck, every breath is a new moment. Just do your best right now. One day, one breath at a time.
HUGS!
yougospam
yougospam

I am 53 and the thoughts of starting over is really hard to swallow. With the holidays coming up, my wedding anniversary next week, arrggghhh it\'s just so hard. I caved last night and called my ex and he answered, I was kind of surprised. I went to his house and we talked for over 3 hours. Was it a mistake? I\'m not sure yet, I haven\'t let him go yet which is an issue for me, maybe this was closure for me, again, too soon to know from my end. But it was good to see him, it really was and I am more peaceful today because of it.......I will write about it on my journal when I get a few minutes. I am not sure where we are heading if anywhere, but I felt the need to see him and find out about his life and have been debating on making contact and last night was the night. I always go with my gut and when it says to do something, I usually do it. I can\'t explain the bond I share with him, I often wonder if we can be friends, but that will take some time. I know my therapist is going to have a fit when I check in again......oh boy.

Hang in there gang, we\'ll have to survive the holidays together, ok?????
Chatoyant
Chatoyant

Oh, Coop.....I can relate to SO much of what you say here. The temptation to contact, the overwhelming feeling of loss....pretty much everything. I, too, can\'t imagine another relationship in my future \'cause I just don\'t believe in them anymore. I was so absolutely positive that we\'d be together forever and I was wrong, so how could I ever be confident about anything like that again?

I wish I had some pithy comment that would make it all better, but I just wanted to let you know that you\'re not alone in your feelings. I wish you peace.....
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77

Everyone please know your comments are much appreciated. It\'s been a bad several days since talking to her again ..it was a bad move on my part. Just have to forge ahead for my kids and stop talking to her! She called me again a couple hours ago and I didn\'t pick up it\'s just not worth it. She can\'t comfort me it\'s only pain after we hang up, I feel better initially but then back to square one. Can\'t do this anymore it\'s not fair to me or my daughter. Thanks again :)
AgentSmith
AgentSmith

I\'m sorry you\'re hurting. I understand how hard NC is. I keep deleting him from my phone but now I know his number by heart. I get the urge to text him and just type in the number. You\'ve done good to ignore her call. I don\'t think I could do that. This shit sucks. Hope you\'re doing better than me today.
flteach8
flteach8

coop- I feel the exact same way you do. With the holidays nearing I am feeling it even more. I\'ve been very angry the last couple of days and drinking wine at night- something I never did but now it brings me comfort. Feb 1st will be a year for me for the breakup but it is 7 mos NC. It is the hardest thing to do. I also understand how you feel jaded and the whole why bother with a relationship anymore. Somedays it just feels so not worth the trouble anymore to find someone to only go through all of this again. Hang in there. We are all here for you!
refurb
refurb

I\'m sorry that things are frigged,
Why friends with a person that shits on your heart and soul ?
It sucks to see it that way, but that is the real deal

Don\'t get jammed about starting over, you are still somewhere between a coma and painful
physical therapy to go through
One of my friends described it as all your life you live by a mountain,
One day the top blows off, the blast knocks you off your feet and tooled your house, when you come to , the mountain-- now volcano is spewing ash,
Once it stops spewing it will take a lot of time for the ash to stop falling, only then can you see things clearly and get started on the rebuild
For you, the volcano is still spewing ash my friend,
It will stop, you\'ll still need more time for the fallout to stop

Then you will restart - start over, or something like that because you are alive and at your core you are a good guy, a good man a good father that has reason to do more than mark time
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77

Thanks again all, your comments bring comfort in these trying times great to get feedback. You\'re all pretty special people :)
Have a good night
Coop
candy36
candy36

I feel for ya coop hang in there ive had kids it never worked out with the dad then i got married never had kids in that marragie , then my lovey ex and i ran into him months back after our break up last june and he was a lovey gem when we ran into eachother let me tell ya , as much as i hated our run in I\'m glad it happened ! Cause he was nastey as ever and i guess i got my answer and made my mind up right then and there! That he wasent for me after all. As sad as it was and hurt feelings I guess,... its bettter i knew the truth once and for all! hang in there , I wish nothing but the best for u and never forget if it dosent work these pleanty of fish in the sea! Hang in there hugs!
candy36
candy36

oh yea i meant my lovey marragie ended in divorce yrs ago also lol then came along my lovey ex , not so much lol . again hugs hang in there ! u will make it thru one way or another !