I Hate The Dreams

It's on 3:42 a.m. here, but this happens so much.  I wake up and I dreaming that Ken is gone having to tell some.  It's funny cause it is never Ken's name that I use.  It is like a initial or something.  I remember this morning it was 2 initials one was a "J" but I can't remember the other one.  But I tried to lay back down and the tears are rolling.
I know the dream is about him, just trying to still let people know.  And maybe my mind trying to get me to know, I don' t know.  I haven't cried for a while now, it's like the angry feelings have been there, toward everyone, not Kenny just everyone about something.
Dreams can hurt so bad.   I can't believe it that I can't go and see Kenny face to face.
I know i was think about him last night before I wnt to bed.  This is the same night that I stayed up all night with Zoey watching her making sure she was breathinng.
One thing I wish they had done for Kenny was taken the vent out.  He could never really say anything to us after the Sunday he went into the hospital.  I know he had to hate that thing, I know I would.  I miss my son so much.  The pain is so intense.
I know that Ken has died, but I don't want to believe it.  I just don't understand why.  I know you will reply and say there is no aswers to why, but I will still keep on wondering why.  He was a minister, devoted  to God.  He gave himself to others even in his deepest pain.  He would continue to work no matter the pain.  And even after he lost his speech and weak and in pain, he would do to those stupid board meetings cause it was his responsibility. 
Why or why God did Kenny have to go.  I know I will never understand...I guess because we are not suppose to know.
Don't think I am saying that Kenny should have lived and other's is okay that they died.  NO that is not what I am saying.  I am just saying,  it hurts so much as each of you know.
I cried a lot early this morning, then Abby came and I went back to bed and she kissed my tears.  She snuggled up to me as close as she could be and you just knew she was wanting mommy to have some peace.
I went back to sleep but still did not rest good.  Woke up again still so depressed. I guess this is the life that I have been given.  To lose your child age don't matter it, just hurts hurts hurts so Bad.
Sandi

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Sandi, we know what your saying honey. I\'m sorry there are no real answers to ease the pain. I pray you will find some peace today, if only for a while. Hugs, Danette
deleted_user
deleted_user

There are no words, I wish there were.....Thinking of you Sandi.... Nancy \"Rick\'s mom\"
RememberKala
RememberKala

I ask the same questions with the same disbelief... No answer could ever satisfy my soul...I try not to ask... Know I love you and I understand, Teri.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I ask the same things as well there are no answers. This grief is terrible but somehow we get through to another day.

Marilyn
deleted_user
deleted_user

There are no answers down here. I have done the same thing, some times in anger and other times in brokeness. Just remember you are loved and that we all hold you in love.
Take care,
Joan
KellyLee105
KellyLee105

I had to learn to quit asking the questions I couldn\'t change, I knew I had to do something about it, I was going crazy trying to find the answers....I learned to talk to Ryan as if he is standing by my side, and talk to him.. After a while slow by slow, some kind of understanding happens. So I always have him in my heart & soul, he is right here near me, and I talk to him when I need to.. It works for me... I love you my friend!!xoxoxoxo, Kelly
mybeachlover
mybeachlover

I know exactly what you are saying. I go from feeling bad because I am not thinking about it all the time, to thinking about I still cannot get my head around that he is gone and I cannot see or talk to him. I played his voice over and over on Mothers Day. I wish you some peace and comfort, the understanding I do not have, just trying to rely on faith. Love and a big hug Lynette Bills Mom
deleted_user
deleted_user

I don\'t know either, Jay was such a good man. It\'s not fair. I keep asking what I could have done differently. And I just don\'t know.
Hugs to you. Pam
CorriesMom
CorriesMom

I say about Corrie that if time is measured by the good we accomplish and the number of lives we bless, then Corrie lived to be 100 and Kenny certainly did too!

The pain is sometimes crippling but remember we are all right here with you.

Sending love, the tightest hugs and thoughts of comfort and peace to you ~ Debbie
deleted_user
deleted_user

No words. Hugs Cathy
ihart
ihart

There are no answers my friend. hugs, Inga
BinkyH
BinkyH

Oh, sweetheart, please never think that any of us would think that your pastor son should have lived while mine died of drug overdose! A child is a child and a mom is a mom. Like Inga said, there are no answers to any reason for their deaths, but we can support each other and we are here for you. Hugs to you, Sandi. B