I hate that I'm like this

It's supposed to be a very happy time in my life, and all I can do is be sad to let go of what I know. I don't know how to think positively, because it feels like when I'm like this, my head is just lost in a fog, and the real me is being suffocated by this shitty disease. I just feel sad, confused, scared and pissed off at myself that I have to deal with depression on and off for the rest of my life, and never know when it's going to creep around the corner. I feel guilty. I feel like a burden. I feel weak. I feel abnormal. I just want to hibernate until this crap swirling around in my head goes away...but it will never go away completely. It's going to stalk me on and off, because it's a fucking monster, and I hate that all I can do is "be patient", let the medication do its job, while in the meantime my life feels shitty even though there's nothing to feel shitty about. Fuck you, depression. Fuck you and your symptoms, fuck the fact that you cause my brain to misfire. Fuck the fact that you make me sad all the time. I hate this. I hate this. Iahte this.