I hate sleeping at night
Ever since my boyfriend and me have been ttc I've been off cigarettes alcohol sleeping pills and nyquil. This sucks because now I have to try to sleep every night naturally instead of chemically beating my consciousness into oblivion. It's not too bad on my good nights when I've exhausted myself being sick to my stomach or running around all day, but on nights like this it all comes back to me so vividly.
It's like I'm in the delivery room again and I'm crying. I relive the moment I found out she was dead and I screamed out loud. I remember standing in the hallway on a hospital phone while wrapped in a sheet, not caring who was staring, while I just sobbed to my boyfriend "I can't, I can't, I can't- tell you just come down here please, oh my god oh my god!" I remember it all so clearly. When I hugged him in the delivery room and told him she was gone, when he shoved her into my arms a split second after I gave birth and I screamed again to see her beautiful angelic face so purple and bruised.
It's just so damn hard to live this again! And I hate to see these new moms in so much pain. And I want to make it all better for them because I know how it is to be in their shoes. I want to say stupid cliches or tell them that whether or not they're ready they have to take time to grieve, and it's going to be f*&king hard. Harder than anything, and there's no running from it 'cause it's going to hit you like a freight train. But how can you say that? There's no words for this in any language. There's no way to convey to anyone what I've learned in the last year of grief, or how to make it through this. There's no words for this pain.
And now here I am, about 80% sure that I'm pregnant. My boyfriend thinks I am too, and we're just both scared out of our minds. I told him he had to promise to not push me away while I'm pregnant, I told him he can't protect himself from another heartbreak like that and he said he can't make any promises. I want to be mad, but I can't. He has every damn right to be terrified. We've earned it.
It wouldn't be so bad, if there were any guarantees, you know? Like a "get out of jail free" card but for stillbirth. Like, we did this once, doesn't a year of grief and one lost baby count as insurance for our next one? DON'T I DESERVE THIS?? JUST THIS ONE TIME?? I don't know. I wish I didn't feel as much guilt as I do, even a year later.
In my mind I know I did all I could to save her, but somewhere in my head there's this stupid little voice that still yells "YOU KILLED HER YOU KILLED HER" whenever I'm alone and feeling bad. I just cannot do this again. Please, if there's a God in heaven please, please spare me and my man and my babies any more death. Please don't make me bury another child. And Sophia, please watch over your little brother or sisters forever and keep them safe.
It's like I'm in the delivery room again and I'm crying. I relive the moment I found out she was dead and I screamed out loud. I remember standing in the hallway on a hospital phone while wrapped in a sheet, not caring who was staring, while I just sobbed to my boyfriend "I can't, I can't, I can't- tell you just come down here please, oh my god oh my god!" I remember it all so clearly. When I hugged him in the delivery room and told him she was gone, when he shoved her into my arms a split second after I gave birth and I screamed again to see her beautiful angelic face so purple and bruised.
It's just so damn hard to live this again! And I hate to see these new moms in so much pain. And I want to make it all better for them because I know how it is to be in their shoes. I want to say stupid cliches or tell them that whether or not they're ready they have to take time to grieve, and it's going to be f*&king hard. Harder than anything, and there's no running from it 'cause it's going to hit you like a freight train. But how can you say that? There's no words for this in any language. There's no way to convey to anyone what I've learned in the last year of grief, or how to make it through this. There's no words for this pain.
And now here I am, about 80% sure that I'm pregnant. My boyfriend thinks I am too, and we're just both scared out of our minds. I told him he had to promise to not push me away while I'm pregnant, I told him he can't protect himself from another heartbreak like that and he said he can't make any promises. I want to be mad, but I can't. He has every damn right to be terrified. We've earned it.
It wouldn't be so bad, if there were any guarantees, you know? Like a "get out of jail free" card but for stillbirth. Like, we did this once, doesn't a year of grief and one lost baby count as insurance for our next one? DON'T I DESERVE THIS?? JUST THIS ONE TIME?? I don't know. I wish I didn't feel as much guilt as I do, even a year later.
In my mind I know I did all I could to save her, but somewhere in my head there's this stupid little voice that still yells "YOU KILLED HER YOU KILLED HER" whenever I'm alone and feeling bad. I just cannot do this again. Please, if there's a God in heaven please, please spare me and my man and my babies any more death. Please don't make me bury another child. And Sophia, please watch over your little brother or sisters forever and keep them safe.
Replies
The guilt is a lot to bear... I\'ve felt like I killed Annaya the past 14 months... I guess it is because no one has confirmed \"on the record\" that the meds I took was the cause of her death. Even though I asked my cardiologist if he was sure...
I gave up all meds cold turkey and I, too, had a hard time sleeping... Sleep will come... don\'t stress... I\'ve tried many natural sleep aids... Cinnamon in warm milk before bed. Bengal Spice Tea seems to calm me enough to rest.
Your get out of jail free card is your knowledge... arm yourself with knowledge... kick counting when it is time... seeing a high risk doctor who will actually listen to ALL of your concerns... Taking charge of your pregnancy and not allowing your doctor to make light of your feelings of concern.,, demand every test they can give you so you will have proof that you are having a healthy pregnancy. Schedule your induction at your first appointment that way you have a true date to shoot for.
As for your boyfriend, you can only control your emotions. Don\'t take on that worry on top of your grief.
None of us want to be here, mourning the loss of a baby... But, we are here and if we want to try again we have to allow all of the fears to enter...
Remember, if your OB does not take you seriously... you can always be seen in the ER and they usually do an ultrasound to make sure all is well.
Many Hugs!!!
N.
THANK YOU! I don\'t have any real confirmation either, the \"official\" cause is unknown but I believe it was her cord, which actually was wrapped around her neck twice... but that doesn\'t help the guilt.