I hate sleeping at night
Ever since my boyfriend and me have been ttc I've been off cigarettes alcohol sleeping pills and nyquil. This sucks because now I have to try to sleep every night naturally instead of chemically beating my consciousness into oblivion. It's not too bad on my good nights when I've exhausted myself being sick to my stomach or running around all day, but on nights like this it all comes back to me so vividly.
It's like I'm in the delivery room again and I'm crying. I relive the moment I found out she was dead and I screamed out loud. I remember standing in the hallway on a hospital phone while wrapped in a sheet, not caring who was staring, while I just sobbed to my boyfriend "I can't, I can't, I can't- tell you just come down here please, oh my god oh my god!" I remember it all so clearly. When I hugged him in the delivery room and told him she was gone, when he shoved her into my arms a split second after I gave birth and I screamed again to see her beautiful angelic face so purple and bruised.
It's just so damn hard to live this again! And I hate to see these new moms in so much pain. And I want to make it all better for them because I know how it is to be in their shoes. I want to say stupid cliches or tell them that whether or not they're ready they have to take time to grieve, and it's going to be f*&king hard. Harder than anything, and there's no running from it 'cause it's going to hit you like a freight train. But how can you say that? There's no words for this in any language. There's no way to convey to anyone what I've learned in the last year of grief, or how to make it through this. There's no words for this pain.
And now here I am, about 80% sure that I'm pregnant. My boyfriend thinks I am too, and we're just both scared out of our minds. I told him he had to promise to not push me away while I'm pregnant, I told him he can't protect himself from another heartbreak like that and he said he can't make any promises. I want to be mad, but I can't. He has every damn right to be terrified. We've earned it.
It wouldn't be so bad, if there were any guarantees, you know? Like a "get out of jail free" card but for stillbirth. Like, we did this once, doesn't a year of grief and one lost baby count as insurance for our next one? DON'T I DESERVE THIS?? JUST THIS ONE TIME?? I don't know. I wish I didn't feel as much guilt as I do, even a year later.
In my mind I know I did all I could to save her, but somewhere in my head there's this stupid little voice that still yells "YOU KILLED HER YOU KILLED HER" whenever I'm alone and feeling bad. I just cannot do this again. Please, if there's a God in heaven please, please spare me and my man and my babies any more death. Please don't make me bury another child. And Sophia, please watch over your little brother or sisters forever and keep them safe.
It's like I'm in the delivery room again and I'm crying. I relive the moment I found out she was dead and I screamed out loud. I remember standing in the hallway on a hospital phone while wrapped in a sheet, not caring who was staring, while I just sobbed to my boyfriend "I can't, I can't, I can't- tell you just come down here please, oh my god oh my god!" I remember it all so clearly. When I hugged him in the delivery room and told him she was gone, when he shoved her into my arms a split second after I gave birth and I screamed again to see her beautiful angelic face so purple and bruised.
It's just so damn hard to live this again! And I hate to see these new moms in so much pain. And I want to make it all better for them because I know how it is to be in their shoes. I want to say stupid cliches or tell them that whether or not they're ready they have to take time to grieve, and it's going to be f*&king hard. Harder than anything, and there's no running from it 'cause it's going to hit you like a freight train. But how can you say that? There's no words for this in any language. There's no way to convey to anyone what I've learned in the last year of grief, or how to make it through this. There's no words for this pain.
And now here I am, about 80% sure that I'm pregnant. My boyfriend thinks I am too, and we're just both scared out of our minds. I told him he had to promise to not push me away while I'm pregnant, I told him he can't protect himself from another heartbreak like that and he said he can't make any promises. I want to be mad, but I can't. He has every damn right to be terrified. We've earned it.
It wouldn't be so bad, if there were any guarantees, you know? Like a "get out of jail free" card but for stillbirth. Like, we did this once, doesn't a year of grief and one lost baby count as insurance for our next one? DON'T I DESERVE THIS?? JUST THIS ONE TIME?? I don't know. I wish I didn't feel as much guilt as I do, even a year later.
In my mind I know I did all I could to save her, but somewhere in my head there's this stupid little voice that still yells "YOU KILLED HER YOU KILLED HER" whenever I'm alone and feeling bad. I just cannot do this again. Please, if there's a God in heaven please, please spare me and my man and my babies any more death. Please don't make me bury another child. And Sophia, please watch over your little brother or sisters forever and keep them safe.
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