I Hate Myself

I am not feeling very good about myself right now.  Today’s a cold and rainy day on top of it.  I came in and told her I wanted to go next door today but we can’t because it’s yucky out.  She nodded no that we can’t.  I told her I do want to go downstairs and practice waiting outside the bathroom having to go, going through the motions and practicing keeping still, too.  I have extra clothes with me I told her as I motioned to my purse.  She asked me when I wanted to go as if to ask now.  Sometimes I have to go coming in and we have to leave right away.  I told her I’m OK right now.  She told me to tell her when.  I said I would.  Also, one of the first things she asked me if the other massage therapist got a hold of me.  Something she started to say about yesterday.  I told her yes, she called me.  But that was it.  I still think my therapist had something to do with it. 

She asked me about my OB doctor appointment.  I told her I’ll tell her about it but I want to talk about my youngest first.  And we only have this time and next time before my specialist appointment and we haven’t talked about it at all.  We need to and I showed her a packet of info I have to fill out – still folded up.  She nodded.  She asked me if I want to do that instead of going downstairs.  No – I still want to do that.  I have to get an ultra sound. 

Anyway I told her my son called me yesterday on his way to northern for about the 4th or 5th time.  He was bored and wanted someone to talk to.  He’d been going for 7 hours already and only stopped 2 times – once to get gas and once to get something to eat.  I’m sure he went to the bathroom but I didn’t ask.  I said – seven hours, I wish I could do that.  She just nodded and smiled.  I went on to tell her he sent the other guy back because he was more of a liability.  He’d have to drive him around and pay for things.  So he’s soloing it now. 

I told her how 2 days ago I was just thinking how mad/upset I was that he cut his hair and that he wouldn’t save me any.  The next time he called me for directions or weather I wanted to tell him that I’m not into that and not want to do it for him.  I said a taste of his own medicine.  She asked if I did that almost like it would have been a good thing.  But no – I couldn’t.  I was afraid he’d be mad and not want to talk to me again and I didn’t want to risk that.  But I did, in a nice way, tell him it meant a lot to me and he said next time he grows his hair long he’ll save some for me.  She asked me how that felt.  Good to do it in a good way.  And I asked him if he cut it for business.  He said no, he didn’t even think about that, he cut it because of rock climbing getting in the way.  A safety issue.  She said it is.  She knows someone who got her hair caught once in the rope rock climbing. 

So then I got into my doctor appointment.  I said he went through his whole routine.  He asked if I ever ‘gotta go, gotta go’.  Yes.  Do I ever pee in my pants.  Yes.  He wanted to know bad enough to have surgery.  I told my therapist I don’t want surgery!  Then he went on to say she can do one surgery and him another or she can do both.  No!  No!  So I remembered he once said my uterus was a little large and was wondering if it’s sitting on my bladder.  So he checked things out when he examined me.  She nodded listening.
I took out my little papers.  First was he wants me to keep tract of my periods for three months.  I’m not sure why – I’m not having any problems but they just won’t end.  I told her he wrote some things down.  First I asked her if she knew what cystocele was.  She said she did.  I said fallen bladder.  He told me I have it very mildly.  Then I showed her the picture he drew for me with the 3 openings:  urethra, vagina and rectum.  And the bladder with the light lines of it falling down just a little.  She asked me if he indicated that it didn’t warrant my symptoms.  Probably, but he did say it could be something with the urethra.  I mentioned the encephalitis and he doesn’t think so.  He recommends Urodynamics testing.  I asked if she knows what that is.  No.  I looked it up a little and I think it’s filling the bladder and that’s how I got a urinary infection last time.  I don’t want that!  She said there are so many new things all the time.
He doesn’t know this specialist but asked if she’s a Uro-Gynocologist.  My therapist nodded her head yes.  He used to do these things but not any more because they specialize in it.  It’s good I’m going to a specialist he told me.  She said how it’s good as well and how this is a process of finding out why.  I live my life through the eyes of this problem and maybe it’s fixable.  It’s so much a part of my whole life.  I told her that would be nice like a load lifting off but she knows I don’t want to go. 

Then I told her about my belly.  There is an explanation.  It’s not bad but it’s there and I’ve never seen fat before.  I’ve had 3 c-sections and I have a scar there.  When you get older you get a little fat and mine sits there because it can’t be distributed because of that scar.  It can’t move past it.  Also I have pectus excavatum.  She didn’t know what that is.  It’s where my chest goes in a little.  I don’t have it bad at all (I’ve looked at pictures of others).  People with this have mitro-valve prolapse and I do.  But because it does and I’m tinier there the contrast makes it look more.  It makes sense.   She asked if there’s anything I can do.  Liposuction but he says don’t do it.  She said to continue to stay in shape like I do.  Right.  And not over focus on it she told me.  Yeah – like I know I do and that will be hard (without saying it).  I said I’ve even lost weight since I’ve been off the pill.  I weighed there 123 but I hadn’t really eaten anything so I still stick with my 125. 

I told her I needed to go to the bathroom.  She said not to push it.  Maybe she thought I had to go too badly or I just don’t know.  Because I think I waited about a half a minute before I said we better go.  I told her about my doctor saying I’m like a ray of sunshine and we’re old pals.  She said that was nice.  We walked out.  No conversation again until we got down to the street level (still inside the building) and I told her about my son and where he’s going and where it’s legal.  She wanted to know which states.  I told her what I knew and one was closer to us.  We were down by the bathrooms now in the basement level.  She said maybe the one next to us is next.  I hope so. 

So I tried to stay still and couldn’t and said so.  We talked more about my son and what he does and how he’s making it and such.  She has said before about him being resourceful.  And I just told her (upstairs when we were talking) about him sleeping by the beach – a not so safe way and a safe way where you pay 30.00.  But I don’t know – I haven’t talked to him since.  Oh, and his girlfriend living up there, too.  Anyway I was moving around pretty much and trying not to but it wasn’t working.  I said a couple times how I can’t stay still.  I moved around, crossed my legs and I think bobbed up and down a little.  She asked me if I wanted to go.  No. 

We finished talking about my son so I said to just pretend like I have to wait.  Just talk, I asked her.  Yes and do my Kegels she told me.  I was really needing to go.  I asked her if she ever has to go this badly.  She told me no.  It wasn’t much longer and I stood there with my legs crossed and said, “I’m going.”  “Why don’t you go into the bathroom now,” she told me.  So I did.  I changed and she waited for me down by the stairs. 

When I came out I just held the bag behind me.  She looked and commented that if I was with people I’d want to put it in my purse.  I nodded.  I also thought to myself if there’s room but then said out loud softly, “Yes, there’d be room.”  We walked back up both flights of stairs in silence.  Nothing said at all and I hate that!  We went back into her office. 

She told me she didn’t see anything and I said at least I didn’t get any on the floor this time.  I’m guessing in preparation for what to tell the doctor she asked me what it felt like physically, if there’s any pain or whatever.  I told her like pressure.  She asked uncomfortable?  Yes.  Then what?  Then I just can’t do it any more.  She asked like I (my body) just gives in.  Yes.  And she asked if it gets worse and worse.  Yes, and I also told her spasms.  I get spasms.  She said it’s a good way to explain it to the doctor in that way.  I told her it’s good for me to do these downstairs, outside and next door so I can remember and it’s safe with her.  She said, “But, wouldn’t it be nice to not have to do them at all?”  Yes it would.
I got out the packet.  I told her I just want to tear it up and throw it away – I do.  She said I could do that but I wouldn’t find anything out then.  I said how I just don’t want to go, I don’t even know what to say.  I don’t want to talk about this.  She said she knows.  I told her I wished she was going with me.  She shook her head no and quietly said, “sorry.”  I said how I think we should first talk about why I don’t want to go before we talk about what to say.  She thought that was a good idea.  I said I’m afraid of what it might be and of what it might not be.
She asked me first what I’m afraid it might be.  She wrote everything down.  First I’m afraid it’s something bad – really bad.  Like what?  Cancer.  She said probably not – it’s not chronic, or something, and I’m not bleeding.  I reminded her last time there was something on one kidney, then the other and then nothing.  I don’t know what that was all about.  She said to tell her about that. 

I’m afraid of surgeries.  I don’t want any surgeries.  She asked me if I’ve ever had any and then said my 2 c-sections.  I corrected her – 3.  I said my gall bladder when it was the conventional way.  But the c-sections were good things.  My daughter had her gall bladder out, so did my mom and my cousin.  Maybe it runs in families and she asked me if urinary problems run in my family.  No – I don’t know of anyone unless you want to count my grandson – maybe.  She said no – not him.  I’m guessing he’s so young yet.  She said about the gall bladder being an emergency and I had to have that taken care of.  I need to take care of this.  I told her it wasn’t an emergency like an appendectomy – it was scheduled.
I’m afraid of medicines.  I don’t like to take medicines.  And they may give you side effects.  Or tests that hurt or give you side effects or may make you sick.  I guessed that’s about all.  She asked me what it may not be.  I told her what if it’s nothing.  She asked me if I meant it’s in my brain from something from the encephalitis or that I may be a mental case.  I laughed.  Both, I guess.  And again if it’s something with my brain I don’t want to take medicines. 

And what if it’s something I just have to live with?  Something they can’t fix.  She asked me what if it was that.  I thought a few seconds and said that’s what I’m doing now.  Right!  Like I know how to deal with that.  I don’t want to go!  She went on to say even if it’s 50% fixable or 30% fixable.
Then I took the packet out.  I told her there’s a 24 hour diary I have to fill out.  She said that would be a good thing to do any way on a regular basis – to know.  I don’t even know how.  I don’t want to!  She asked if there are instructions.  Yes.  I read them while I showed her each column.  I also said that I don’t leak – or have accidents every day.  She said it would be a good thing just to know how many times I go and how much.  She asked me if I have to do this with something to measure with.  Yes.
Here’s the instructions.   Time – record the time of all voids, leakage, intake and activity.  Measure all amount intake and voided.  Leak volume:  damp – a few drops, wet underwear or pad, soaked or emptied bladder.  Urge present or not.  Activity performing during time of leakage and amount of intake. 

First I said that like I said earlier for the ultrasound I don’t drink it all at once.  It takes me a while so I wouldn’t know what to put down as time.  She said I can do a range.  Earlier I told her I had a choice of the ultrasound on a Monday (day after my birthday) at 10:30 AM or a Thursday 9 AM.  You have to drink 32 ounces an hour before.  It takes me a long time to do that.  She asked if I can drink there.  In the waiting room?  Yes but it’s supposed to be done before.  She said I’m setting myself up for something I can’t do.  I told her I have to start way ahead and I keep going to the bathroom so I have to keep drinking.  She suggested for me to call ahead and say something.  Or drink there and then tell them just before when I can’t hold it anymore to do it.  I didn’t say but she doesn’t understand – there are others there before me.  And, what if I’m not full enough?  And what if I have an accident anyway?
But on Thursday I’d have to have it all drunken by 8 AM – I can’t do that!  So I took the Monday one that I have to have it drunken by 9:30 AM.  But on Monday there are a lot of people ahead of me and I’m hoping she’ll take me on time.  She still thinks I’m setting myself up for something I just can’t do.  I told her she runs pretty much on time because she knows people have to go.  At least it’s the same girl and she knows me.  I’m concerned about getting out in time to be here by 1 PM because yesterday I was there for 3 hours.  The girl there says I’ll be OK because I won’t have to be examined. 

Anyway that’s my thing about recording the drinking.  Also I don’t have accidents every day.  That’s when she said it’s good to see how much it is anyway.  Then we talked about urge.  I told her that I don’t know what to put on that.  If I go right away the urge isn’t so bad verses if I have to wait a bit.  Then it is.  She said I can do both and said that if I had a job I may have more leaking because I wouldn’t be able to go right away sometimes.  Oh great – but I didn’t say.  She also mentioned about what I read about encephalitis causing the spasms.  Maybe.
Then I told her I don’t know if I should do this drinking normally or try to drink more.  She thought normally.  But I went on to tell her that I try to drink more – a lot.  But sometimes I don’t want to deal with it and don’t drink very much at all.  By now I think my therapist thought I was making every excuse in the world.  I was.  I think she was getting impatient with me in her own way.  I would be if I were her.  I just don’t like this or have to deal with it!  Once I said about going – if I don’t chicken out.
So then I needed to go to the bathroom again.  I told her.  She just acknowledged it and went on.  But soon she asked me what I thought it was all about when she saw I was uncomfortable.  She told me it was only 15 minutes since I last went.  I didn’t know what it was all about.  She saw I really needed to go and asked me if I wanted to.  Yes, and I went. 

I didn’t make it all the way and after I came back in and slowly closed the door.  She wasn’t looking at me coming in.  I hesitated and slowly, very slowly, walked toward her.  I tried to pull my shirt down some to cover.  I knew I had to say something.  It wasn’t real wet but too wet to sit down and enough to see if you looked.  “I peed a little.  I don’t know what to do.”  “Pardon?” she looked a little startled and glanced up at me.  I don’t think I even said anything and she mentioned me needing my bag, got it out of her drawer and gave it to me.  I very quietly said, “You can just turn around,” and she did not looking at all or saying another word.  Neither did I. 

I changed and told her when to turn back around.  She was as usual, fiddling with her little trinkets in her cabinet.  “I hate this,” I told her really upset.  She asked me what I think happened.  I shrugged I didn’t know.  When I didn’t answer she asked me, “Do you think because we’re talking about it?”  I nodded yes – probably.  She asked me if it’s like this when I need to go at home.  I told her it depends how badly I need to go.  She asked about emotions playing a part.  Yes, like if the door is locked or a line or if I’m walking trying to get to the bathroom.  She asked me if I can’t wait as long then.  No – I can’t. 

I was really upset.  She asked me what I needed to do to shake it off.  I look like I’m in that shutting down mode.  I shrugged – I didn’t know.  I told her I need to fill this thing out but I don’t want to.  She said it would be therapeutic to do it and face it.  I told her I want to ignore it, I don’t want it to be there – the whole problem.  She said the reality of it is it’s there.  I can’t ignore it.  It’s there every day.  She said if she ignored what she had and didn’t do anything about it she wouldn’t be here right now talking to me.  She would have died.  She showed me a book that she’s reading to help some of her clients that are in real bad chronic pain from car accidents and such.  I only listened and nodded.  I didn’t say but was that supposed to make me feel better about my problem?  I’m beginning to think now even she doesn’t understand.  I am trying hard to put this in prospective but it’s hard to.  I want to thank God and feel lucky for what I do have.
I was really upset.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to scream.  We needed to end.  She told me it’s not good for me to end like this.  I was about to say something.  “Go ahead,” she told me.  I told her I just feel like such a bad person.  “But you’re not.  You’re a,” and then she wanted me to fill in the blank.  I said a good person but I sure didn’t feel like it.  I feel so badly about myself – about everything!  And I’m so scared!  Scared of what it might be or what it might not be.  And scared of tests and procedures and side effects and such.  I hate this!!!!!!!
So it was time to go.  I asked her if I should leave that packet with her.  No, she told me to bring it back on Monday.  OK.  So I left feeling really sad and mad and left out and not cared about.  I hate this problem and I hate the way it makes me feel and act.  I feel like I’m acting like a baby about it.  I really do.  And then she’ll get frustrated with me and not like me anymore.  I hope not.  I know I’m not liking me very much right now.