I hate myself
So, I'm single once more. I didn't love him. And for the first time ever, it was I that had to be the one giving the bad news. I feel like shit because of it. But I couldn't help it, I just did not love him the same way that he loved me.
And already, I have another guy in mind, one whom I liked last year, and seemed so nice. He was going to walk up to me and talk with me, but scaredy cat that I am I ran to the toilet so that I wouldn't have to talk with him.
But oh how I wish I had not! He was in a relationship with a girl not long after, and I gave up on him, for I didn't see the point in pursuing him, when he was with another. So I went out with this other guy for a time, but he didn't love me, so I turned into such a wreck. After that my recently ex boyfriend said that he would like to give us a go. And I thought why not, for it seemed no one else was even remotely interested in me. And I thought that he was the one for he was the only guy who had ever loved me! But for the first time, I was the one that didn't feel the love towards him, so I knew I could not continue in the relationship, so yeah I ended it last night.
I am looking forward, to meeting with the guy I am interested in now, Nate. But I cannot help feeling crazy for it. For how he was remotely interested in me, wouldn't he have done more, to bring me to him? Instead of going into a relationship with another girl? Even though that relationship was fleeting? All it seems to lead back to is me. I feel it is all my fault! If I had just talked with him last year, when he was trying to approach me, I may be a different person now.
He seems like he would be such a great guy to get to know. And his family seems so similar to mine, that I know it would not take me too long to feel comfortable with them! I love how he loves to sing and play musical instruments, and how he's old fashioned! I've always just wanted to be a housewife staying at home looking after the kids! Those two things are the two main things I have wanted in a guy! Of course being a christian above all! Which he is. But other than that those, two other things are the most important things to me. I have always thought it would be just so wonderful to just sing hymns together with the one I love .
I hope he will give me a go, for I know he wants to be married as much as I do. So I hope he sees that, and will let me get to show him, the real me and not the one from the computer. I am hoping he will be up at the Auckland conference that my church is having in Easter, so that I might talk to him, in person, otherwise I must write him a letter on Facebook. Nothing else will do. I need him to see me. I don't think I can rest till I've done it. Even if he rejects me, I will know then to just give up, and concentrate on getting a job, and then when I'm 30 I will be considered by my church old enough to be matched up with someone. I hope it does not come to that though, I don't know how I could go on, being alone that long. I know that the Lord is with me and I am never truly alone, but doesn't stop me longing to be together with the one who is mean't to be for me and only me.
Okay, I think thats enough random babble.
And already, I have another guy in mind, one whom I liked last year, and seemed so nice. He was going to walk up to me and talk with me, but scaredy cat that I am I ran to the toilet so that I wouldn't have to talk with him.
But oh how I wish I had not! He was in a relationship with a girl not long after, and I gave up on him, for I didn't see the point in pursuing him, when he was with another. So I went out with this other guy for a time, but he didn't love me, so I turned into such a wreck. After that my recently ex boyfriend said that he would like to give us a go. And I thought why not, for it seemed no one else was even remotely interested in me. And I thought that he was the one for he was the only guy who had ever loved me! But for the first time, I was the one that didn't feel the love towards him, so I knew I could not continue in the relationship, so yeah I ended it last night.
I am looking forward, to meeting with the guy I am interested in now, Nate. But I cannot help feeling crazy for it. For how he was remotely interested in me, wouldn't he have done more, to bring me to him? Instead of going into a relationship with another girl? Even though that relationship was fleeting? All it seems to lead back to is me. I feel it is all my fault! If I had just talked with him last year, when he was trying to approach me, I may be a different person now.
He seems like he would be such a great guy to get to know. And his family seems so similar to mine, that I know it would not take me too long to feel comfortable with them! I love how he loves to sing and play musical instruments, and how he's old fashioned! I've always just wanted to be a housewife staying at home looking after the kids! Those two things are the two main things I have wanted in a guy! Of course being a christian above all! Which he is. But other than that those, two other things are the most important things to me. I have always thought it would be just so wonderful to just sing hymns together with the one I love .
I hope he will give me a go, for I know he wants to be married as much as I do. So I hope he sees that, and will let me get to show him, the real me and not the one from the computer. I am hoping he will be up at the Auckland conference that my church is having in Easter, so that I might talk to him, in person, otherwise I must write him a letter on Facebook. Nothing else will do. I need him to see me. I don't think I can rest till I've done it. Even if he rejects me, I will know then to just give up, and concentrate on getting a job, and then when I'm 30 I will be considered by my church old enough to be matched up with someone. I hope it does not come to that though, I don't know how I could go on, being alone that long. I know that the Lord is with me and I am never truly alone, but doesn't stop me longing to be together with the one who is mean't to be for me and only me.
Okay, I think thats enough random babble.
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