I Hate Myself

right now i really feel bad hate myself.
i dont understand why i feel into this pit called marriage.
i dont understand why a person would be so cruel to someone they vowed to love honor and protect.
i dont understand why a father would be so cruel to his own children.
i dont understand why he would stay where he isnt wanted.
i hate him and all he stands for, i hate him and the fear he put in my children,i hate him and death would be too good for him i just hate him.
i hate hating him it isnt good for me.
im tired of this game he plays.
im stuck and he knows it.
trying to hold on to my humanity to God.
i feel sick just thinking about what he has done to my family.
i feel just awful. awful. awful.
please pray for me.
i have so much love in me.
i refuse to give up on that.
but i have no love for men. i hate them dont trust them dont want them in my life.
only my children male and female.
only my babies online and off.
only them.
i hate me for letting him in.
i let the monster in.
nobody but me.
i hate it all.