I Hate My Memories!

It has been a few days since I have written in my journal.  It has been hard for me the last few weeks.  I hate my memories and I wish they would go away and never come back.  But yet everyday I am plagued with the awful things my father did to me and what he made me do to him.  I just can't seem to let it go yet.  I want to, believe me I want to, I just don't know how.  I am anxious just writing this and I don't know why.  I haven't said anything to trigger the memories, they're just here.  ARRRGGG!  I hate them, I hate me, I hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  My therapist says he doesn't deserve my hate,  I think she's right, but it still doesn't change the way I feel about him yet.  He was an awful mean, violent man and I'm glad he's dead!!!! There I said it, I'm glad he's not here anymore.  I'm glad he can't hurt me anymore.  He can't ever physically hurt me anymore, so why do I let him torment me? Why do I let him into my dreams and thoughts?  Why do I feel guilty for what he did to me and made me do to him?  WHY? WHY? WHY?  I just want to know.  I'm glad I don't have to watch him beat my mom up and then be arrested by the police.  Why didn't I tell them when they came?  Why didn't I say anything.  I just can't remember and that eats me up inside.  I don't remember my childhood or what you could call my childhood.  Geez, I'm so angry right now, I could punch the damn wall !!!!!!!!!!!!  I wish I wasn't here.  I wish Jesus would come tonight and just take me away so I don't have to be hurt anymore.  I want to cut so BAD right now, but I am trying so hard to be strong and handle the urge.  I hope I can do it.