i hate my life

my life has always been crazy and unpredictiable to say the least- its been a long time since i wrote a journal entry and i figure nobody is gonna read it anyways since i'm one of the many laughing stokes of ds ..... but here goes anyways- my latest tragedy, for me is the one i've been dealing with since i was 6 years old, to grow up and be loved , it seems to happen for everyone around me- and yet it never happens for me- i will like someone, love someone and they say they feel the same- then i am dumped like trash and used for sex- when is it my turn god? why am i all alone? i am so ready to die- those who will say love is overrated have never not been loved- i long for it, i want it so bad sometimes that it feels like if i had it everything else in my life would fall into place- but i'll never have it- and i am starting to think is it because i'm too ugly or just too unlovable- my most recent ex- just got a 17 year old pregnant- and i tried to move on- so i met a new guy- been seeing him for about a week- things were good or so i thought- then today when he was supposed to be helping a friend move he was instead on the dating website- flirting with other women when we are supposed to have a date tonight- am i being too sensitive or should i feel betrayed by this? i just don't know anymore- he asked me for this date and now its like i'm having to push him into going- i don't even want to go anymore- i just want to stay home eat chocolate and cry........ i wish someone would just want to be with me- i'm not a bad person- but this really makes me feel that way..... and i can't stop crying and hating all happy people and couples- i want to die !

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I read this. I care about you.

There are so many new people everyday on DS that it\'s a little hard to make yourself visible enough to get the support that you need and deserve. Please do not give up. Keep coming back to the Depression board and tell us how you are feeling. We will get to know you better, and you will find a lot of understand here.

I wanted to tell you two things. I think that you are conflating two different problems in your Journal entry. First of all, you *do* deserve to be loved. I feel sad that you have been wanting this for so long, since you were six years old. Everyone deserves to be loved, and you especially are a beautiful, caring young woman. Sometimes it takes a long time, but I am confident that you will meet someone.

Secondly, although you do deserve to be loved and it seriously is a tragedy that you haven\'t met anyone yet--it really is their loss--you should not feel bad or cry over losers. You deserve someone better. The fact that the men in your life thus far have hurt you and been disrespectful to you proves that they do not deserve you. And they certainly do not deserve your tears! Why would you want to cry over them?

I wish that I knew you better. I don\'t want to sound like some jerk of a pop psychologist, a random person who reads your journal and comments on it. But how do you meet guys? Maybe the way that you meet them is somehow not healthy. The problem is not with you but with them--maybe you should try to find a way to meet better guys.

Also, are you unnecessarily restricting the guys that you want to date? I\'m not suggesting that you are, but thinking out loud. For example, maybe you only want to date guys who have never been married and don\'t have children, but maybe a divorced man or young widower perhaps with a child or two could be more respectful, responsible and mature: a better match for you.

I\'m only saying this because for almost all of my life I wouldn\'t consider dating outside of my religion. But my current partner of five years--the most wonderful person I\'ve ever met--was raised in a completely different culture. I never would have guessed. I\'m not saying that you or anyone else should be open to dating outside of their religion or culture, because that\'s important stuff, but I\'m just giving an example about how being more open really helped me to find \"the one.\"

Well, I\'ve rambled enough. Feel free to e-mail me if you want someone to talk to. I am here for you, and so is the rest of the Depression group. Please stop by some time and say \"hi.\" I hope that you are feeling better.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Please don\'t feel bad about any of this. If you don\'t want to go out with this guy then don\'t go. He\'s the one who screwed up not you. So why should you feel bad? You should really put your mind on something else. if you keep yourself preoccupied with all this love business it won\'t happen. Put it out of your mind and when you\'re least expecting it, it will happen.