I hate everything about you, why do I love you?

Hello everyone! So as quick as my awesome mood came yesterday after recieivng myschedule in the mail, it was gone. Thanks to my good old "friend" I told you all about previously. I call her D. We are in this weird relationship thing, yet it's not a relationship at the same time. I don't know what to think. She makes me crazy.
 So she gets back from being away for two weeks. I sent her letters. A CD I made for her. Little joke gift. Texted her many times. Recieved absolutely nothing in response. She got back today and didn't bother to IM or message me. I sent her a message on FB asking if she recieved anything I sent her. I was very upbeat and happy and loving in the letter even though I am boiling mad. That is how our relationship is. I act like she can do no wrong and assure her of that, when in reality she can be so damn selfish it absolutely blows my mind. 
    I constantly feel not good enough for her. I try so hard to help her and worry about her so much. Her circumstances are not good. She needs help and doesn't get it. I put it upon myself to give it to her. I just love her so much that I can't even tell you. I never knew it was possible to hate somebody but still love them more than anything. I will say that's it, I'm done with this, but then she holds my hand and nothing else matters.
 She does not care about me HALF as much as I do her, and I know that, but couldn't she at least bother to write back to someone who took so much time and effort to care about her? Why am I not good enough?
 
I just love her. I shudder to think what I'll be like in an actual relationship. I'm going to be the stupid girl who kept going back and getting beaten up until she finally gets her head bashed in and her heart broken.
I get kicked and hurt and what do I do? Go back for more.
When I have my first real relationship one day I will tell them they're my first love but it won't be true. D will always hold that spot, maybe one day it won't be this hard but a part of me will always be holding on to her hand with all my might.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

You don\'t deserve anything but kindness and love...no cutting!
Talk to this girl about how you feel, you have a RIGHT to demand to be treated well. The golden rule is to treat others the way you want to be treated and well it\'s human nature. Clearly, she doesn\'t want to be cared for...and you do.
Hugs and love Megs.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Well Hon! You can wish for ppl to behave the way you want them to, or the way you think they should. But that does not mean it is going to happen? Live your life to the best of your ability according to YOUR standards! Set an example!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh no, oh darlin\', I\'ve been there. I know, you give, give, give your all of everything and get poop back in return. I was with that boyfriend that damn near bashed my head in. It\'s not a fun place to be. All I can say, is cut your ties now. It\'s hard, but it\'s something that needs to be done. I don\'t like when people don\'t respond to me ... and even more so, remember my journal the other day w/ the letter from Brett? Well, ALL my old friends would in someway treat me like that and think that that is OK and YES, I do take that to heart and it hurts BIG time, b/c I was the one that was at his beck and call when HE needed a friend, moved him in and out of college and was there whenever he needed a ride back and forth to school. You know what, I am taking him off my FB and deleting him from my phone. I don\'t need that shit and I\'ve known him for a very LONG time. I wish you nothing but the best. As for the purging and restricting.. it\'s only a quick fix and you are sstill gonna feel like poop. Try to eat for YOU!!! (pretty please)xxx\'s
Soph827
Soph827

you shouldnt just cut! this relationship is toxic just stop talking to her!
missyS
missyS

yea u should cut....tht is cut her out of ur life...once ur not there 4 her she will realize just how great of a friend u were and beg u 2 come back 2 her....and id that happens im willing to bet she wont ever take u for granted again!
Slimpics
Slimpics

NO! You shouldn\'t cut... you need not punish yourself over your friend!
I know you love her, but love often hurts. Is she really worth investing any more emotion into?
I kind of have to agree with Missy in that you should cut her out of your life, as hard as that may be. It\'ll at least show that you respect yourself, and then free you up to try to make a few NEW good friends!
RavensaraH
RavensaraH

you don\'t deserve that at all, don\'t cut, stay strong x