I hate days like this ...

my h went hunting today ..and it seames that it has hit me harder than I was expecting ...I wanted to go out shopping well I couldent kik my self out the door .....if I drank I would of had a cupple but I can't do that ...too at migrain ...and today ..the pain leavel is very low ..one good thing ....but emotionally I am a reck .....it is lik I need to cry but I am just barely holding it in ......I even took a sleeping pill and went to sleep this after noon thinking I would feel better after ....and would be able to go out than ...dident work .....my son is at my other sons .....I don't think I schould be telling. them I am feeling this way especualy when my son is going throu so much and I don't want to be going to my sons when I am this bad because the grandchildren don't need to see me like this ..and worry ...about nan ...........so I decided I would just call ..and my youngest granddaughter..answered the one who I teach painting the one who can read me like a book ........and I asked what everyone was doing and than she asked me if I was lonely .....and I can't lie to her ..because she knowes ....she is like a little lie detector ...so I told her just a little ......she is such a sweetheart ......has such compashion .....my love just poors out to her .....I had to cut the conversation short so she dident pick up on just how I was feeling ..so she had said she was going to do her home work .so I just told her to get her uncle to call me .....and I told her I loved her ........why can't I get strong...........what is it with me ........I want to be strong ......I don't like feeling this way .....depressed .........I am even sick of the word ..............ell I am going to watch som TV I think ..or read ......take my pills ..........tomorow better be better ...I will get out and get in that car even if I just sit in it ..I have had the  shock  now ...I know ware I am now on the Scale ..of being depressed ..so it won't be a surprise tomorow ....what I have to do is get out early ....in the morning .. even just outside ..that will help ...than get my self to the car .....and that to town ..........so that is my plan anyway ..........and worry about the rest later ..one thing at a time .....one step at a time ......God bless all you out there going through .....this devastating .....desease ........know that God is out there .......he loves each and everyone of you .......and one day we will go home ..in gods loving embrsae ......I watched a show tonight about a man falsely a used of murdering his wife ...he spent 25 years in prison .....befor they could prove through ...DNa that he dident do it .............at his lost he ask good for help ....and at first got nothing and than 4 weeks later ..somthing happend and he had turned the radiao with head phons on .....and beards a song played with a harp ....and than he saw a goldon light that surrounded him .....and that was all he could see ......and he knew he had been touched by God ......he went on to try to explain it but tumultly you can't .......he said he learned ...thre things ...first that God exested God was real .........second that God was wise beyond imagination ...and third that God loved him ...........this is somthing I wish  everyone could know and feel as I do and have .........and how he did ........knowing that there is a god and that I have had the experances I have had .....is what has goten me this far ...and it will get me the rest of the way ......................but I am very home sick tonight ....having felt home ...befor ....I know a small part of what I am missing .....of ware I came from and ware I am going ........and so I have done nothing but weaight ......my hole life to go there .....back home ......now I want to staw ...but right now ....I am just so very homesick ........and want out of how I feel ...........but God has given me strength .....and I am a fighter ......so I will...suffer  this ...and move forward ....take care .....God bless