I hate it

I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!  I find it ironic that since I now know after many years that I have ptsd that instead of feeling better I feel worse.  I used to find comfort in staying inside and the night.  Because I felt terror in going out and the daytime hours.  Now I feel trapped inside my house and I wish for a time that I could get up early and go outside.  My fear of sleep has now grown into a giant threatening to devour me.  The Seraquil(i wish I knew how to spell it) instead of lessening dreams and nightmares is intensifying it.  My love for the Lord and Ministry is stuck in mud.  Even though I have all the knowledge and tools.  I can not feel the joy anymore.  This is crap starting to feel worse.  Maybe I will write more later.  Sean