I hate you
You finally managed to do it, through all the grace people gave you, through all the undeserved first chances, and second chances. You've finally managed to just completely throw your life away. Way to fucking go.
I graduated with a 2.7, pretty fucking bad. I thought that if i got a good score on the GRE, maybe i can sqeak by into grad school, and bury that bad mark behind me. If THAT was my weakness, then hopefully a good GRE score could save me. I forgot what my score was walking out, its either 15th percentile or 90th. Knowing me, i feel like its the 15th, I wont know for another 6 days, and its driving me completely insane. If this score isnt good, I give up, gone... Ill probably stop speaking to everyone from college, I just couldnt show face around them if that happens. And then witha job? Who the fuck is gonna want to hire me? besides a grocery store? Ill have thrown away all that money my parents spent, for nothing. Ill take three jobs if i have to, just to make it up to them. I could never show face around family again.
How am I supposed to live like this? Eventually everyone from school is going to move on to their better lives. How to i make new friends? Ill be alone, stuck with my parents. But this was all my doing, fuck depression, anxiety, its all just excuses. I dont deserve my excuses, I dont deserve compassion, I dont deserve love.Im suicidal, but not in the sense I need immediate help; its like a cancer, slowing spreading, affecting me more and more. But what im I supposed to do?? dig it out with my bare hands? My entire life will be colllateral damage. Even if the test score is good, there are a million hurdles I would need to overcome to get accepted into a school. And then? I know the pressure will grind me down.. Ill drop out, or get kicked out, whatever.
I always worry. Always. This has made my very good at envisioning the future. And there are 10000 different futures for me, and they all just endIve been getting really strong compulsions ot stop working out, and to stop eating. Its like I want my body to wither away, I think about it a lot. I hate my appearance, my face, the shape of my head, my arms. My hair. I hate so much about myselfWhy cant I ask for help, why, i just dont understand
I graduated with a 2.7, pretty fucking bad. I thought that if i got a good score on the GRE, maybe i can sqeak by into grad school, and bury that bad mark behind me. If THAT was my weakness, then hopefully a good GRE score could save me. I forgot what my score was walking out, its either 15th percentile or 90th. Knowing me, i feel like its the 15th, I wont know for another 6 days, and its driving me completely insane. If this score isnt good, I give up, gone... Ill probably stop speaking to everyone from college, I just couldnt show face around them if that happens. And then witha job? Who the fuck is gonna want to hire me? besides a grocery store? Ill have thrown away all that money my parents spent, for nothing. Ill take three jobs if i have to, just to make it up to them. I could never show face around family again.
How am I supposed to live like this? Eventually everyone from school is going to move on to their better lives. How to i make new friends? Ill be alone, stuck with my parents. But this was all my doing, fuck depression, anxiety, its all just excuses. I dont deserve my excuses, I dont deserve compassion, I dont deserve love.Im suicidal, but not in the sense I need immediate help; its like a cancer, slowing spreading, affecting me more and more. But what im I supposed to do?? dig it out with my bare hands? My entire life will be colllateral damage. Even if the test score is good, there are a million hurdles I would need to overcome to get accepted into a school. And then? I know the pressure will grind me down.. Ill drop out, or get kicked out, whatever.
I always worry. Always. This has made my very good at envisioning the future. And there are 10000 different futures for me, and they all just endIve been getting really strong compulsions ot stop working out, and to stop eating. Its like I want my body to wither away, I think about it a lot. I hate my appearance, my face, the shape of my head, my arms. My hair. I hate so much about myselfWhy cant I ask for help, why, i just dont understand
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