I Had An Accident And Got Into My Shame Mode Not Good

I went to my therapist today and had to go to the bathroom when I was walking into the building.  I didn’t quite make it all the way and my pants were wet.  Not soaking wet all the way down but enough to see if you looked.  So after going to the bathroom I went into the waiting area and waited.  She called me in and I tried to hold my purse to cover but didn’t want it to look obvious.  I sat down as fast as I could when I got in there, kept my legs crossed and hands a certain way to try to cover anything that would show.  I think I was able to do that.    But I felt that shame mode again.  Hadn’t in a while and it was really strange.  Kind eerie.  I tried really hard not to think about it and just keep talking about other things but it was very hard not to.  After all I was feeling my pants wet the whole time as a reminder.  It was very hard.  We talked about the Race and she got their with another family too late to go on the Survivors Processional.  She’ll know more for next time.  She said there’s a Fun Walk and that’s only 1 mile and the other is 3 miles.  The family she was with only wanted to do the 1 mile while they did the 3 miles.  She asked me what I did last year.  I didn’t know – I just followed the people.  She thought I did the 3 miles and maybe next year, if I go (my friends all want to go next year – something for us to look forward to working on I told her) I can do the 1 mile.  But I would like to do the 3 mile she knows.  She said yes, there were no bathrooms around.  She did say the ones she saw at first they had 5 people in line and then later when it was over maybe just one.  That’s when she went.  I commented how I wish I could be like that.  We thought maybe they improved from last year because I saw lines of 25 people.  And the second time we went into a Hotel/Shopping area last year.  Then we talked extensively how I wish there could be a time I’m not like this.  I hate this.  I hate myself for this.  She just smiled.  Once I even said, “I know – there’s nothing you can do.”  Is there a time I can just be like everyone else and wait until I get somewhere?  She said she’ll let me answer that.  I sadly said, "No."  She asked me, "Why not?"  I said, "Because I'm not like everyone else."  She nodded.  I said I’ve gotten worse over the years but am trying to do things to make it better and it is working.  I know I just have to accept it the way it is.  I know.  She said sometimes I get better and worse about dealing with it – it goes in waves.   I told her what happened this weekend.  She had been to that park before.  I told her how I went to the bathroom before I left the house and we went and found a place and ate lunch across the little lake.  One friend is always late so we were about done when he came.  So we talked, one person stood up, I did too and tried to not make it obvious looking around to try to find a bathroom or even an inconspicuous spot to go if I had to.  I tried to figure out a way to say I was going to go to the bathroom without drawing attention to it and really saying it.  I knew I’d have to go because I didn’t know how far away the Galleries were.  But I didn’t have to go yet.  So instead of saying I needed to go I asked how long we were going to be there.  But it didn’t work because a male friend said, “Why … do you need to find the restrooms?” and my female friend said, “Oh, you need to go to the bathroom.”  The guy pulled out a map and razzed me for not bringing mine (I was tired of being in charge all the time – it was his event and I knew he’d have one) but I saw a pavilion and a playground and said I’d just go walking.  One other friend said she’d go with me.    We left, found one and I was fine.  I really didn’t have to go but knew I’d need to before we left.  She said it’s a good thing I took care of myself in that way and looked like that was a good choice I made that I realized that was what I would have to do.  I just get so tired of it.  I want to be:  Oh, yeah, I have to go to the bathroom.  I’ll just wait until we get somewhere.  I don’t think I’m obsessed with it.  It’s just that it’s a part of my life every day – several times a day – and it’s just there.  She basically just listened and nodded her head like she understood.   I told her how I try to think of it as it’s not life threatening like my friend’s husband who has diabetes real bad.  If he doesn’t shoot up his insulin he could die or pass out.  The worst thing that could happen to me is I have an accident and I’m embarrassed.  I try to think like that … but still.  She asked me how that makes me feel – angry!  We even moved our arms like ‘angry’.  She asked me if I had any incidents that whole time.  No and that was great.  So again she just gave me that look like this is the way it is.  But here I was talking about this, had just had an accident and sitting there in wet pants trying to hide it.  I think when she realized something was wrong she told me it looks like I’m sitting on something.  I just shrugged.  When I finally admitted something was wrong she said, “OK … out with it.”  I shrugged and said, “No,”  “OK, no” she said in reply thinking I would just tell her because I’m normally very open with things.  I told her to just keep on talking.  It was clear I didn’t want to talk about it or share with her what was happening.    So, maybe she thought this was it (it wasn’t what was wrong, though), she commented on what I said on my message Saturday morning to her, about knowing about her health.  She said nothing has changed – nothing new to tell me.  She’s done with her treatments except for the every 3 weeks Hercepton until around November.  Then the rest of the reconstruction surgery.  She’s getting a baseline MRI/cat scan at the end of the month.  I asked her if she got that before.  Yes, but this will be for after.  I asked her if she’s still a Stage 0 and she really didn’t answer but indicated how everything has seemed to be working fine.    She said she’d tell me the results of that and keep me informed.  I told her how we’ve talked a little about this how with everyone else I’m right there, knowing everything, helping them, whatever I can do, etc.  Even with the man out in the waiting room of hers on Thursdays who has cancer.  That’s just me and that’s what I do.  But with her I’ve had to step back and it’s really hard.  She said she understands and just my concern about her is very nice and she has lots and lots of help.    She says she feels fine.  I told her that’s another thing.  I know what she went through – the whole gambit and I admire her for it.  But she never seemed sick.  Was it really like that?  Or, did she do well at hiding it?  I hope to God I never get cancer and have to go through that but she made it look like a breeze.  She said she scheduled her time in the office when she was feeling good and after her treatments at home and she basically rested, not going many places at all.  Just work and home.  She did cut her hours then.  She wanted to be at work because she likes to keep busy, too.  I joked and said, “Yeah so you can hear other people’s problems.”  She smiled and said, yes, hopefully I won’t have anything like  that to go through, I have my own health issues with my bladder problem.  And, we talked a little that everyone has to die sometime and we don’t know when.  Yeah, I said I could walk outside and get hit by a truck or car.  So we talked about other things.  We talked about my feelings of selling the house or staying.  How we looked yesterday and what a pain it was to ask my husband stop a couple times for me to go to the bathroom.  And how I’ll feel like a failure to have to sell the house, and if I’d only get a job, and I don’t want to get rid of my collections and why not and what they mean to me.  How they fill up a hole and they make me proud like people will like me better.  Maybe we should deal with why it’s like that.  We started to.  We did a bit.  She started to do a time line of my collections since I was little with the baseball cards (age 10), Barbies, records.  But while we were talking I couldn’t get out of those bad feelings.  That shame mood I was in.  I hadn’t done this in a long time and I couldn’t get out of it.  I tried to seem normal but I know it showed differently.  She’d give me a look and I’d try to smile back knowing I know what I’m doing.  At first she said I look like I’m holding something in.  Then she asked, “Are you having a baby over there?”  I told her about my son’s dog to try to joke about it.  I know, I was tense, I was doing something I didn’t want to be doing and tried not to but this time, I wasn’t very successful.  Then that made me feel worse.  A couple times I asked her to just keep talking to get my mind off of it and so I wouldn’t have to talk about it and share with her.    She’s subtly tried to get me to talk but I didn’t.  She didn’t pressure at all.  So, finally I said to her, “I’m going to go to the bathroom but I need my clothes.”  She just got them for me out of her drawer, didn’t say a word and neither did I.  I grabbed them and left the room as soon as I could so she didn’t see anything.    I came back and she only asked, “Do you feel better?”  “Yes.”  She didn’t press me to talk about it and I was glad because I didn’t want to.  Probably not good but I was just too embarrassed and ashamed this time.  After talking more about other things she did ask me, “How do you feel about that bag next to you?”  I said, “Terrible,” but still didn’t talk.  So she talked to try to make me feel better.  She told me it’s good that I used the clothes there to make myself more comfortable, she didn’t know anything before and she didn’t see anything.  I listened but again, clearly didn’t want to talk about anything.    I told her maybe it would help me to talk about my friend’s compliments this weekend.  How I talked to his daughter (she knows her son) because of conflicts at the last shower.  She went out of her way to tell her Dad how she really likes me and I’m so young looking.  And how I’m a lot like the person that gave the shower:  friendly, outgoing, wouldn’t hurt a fly, real nice, etc.  She commented how hearing that made me feel good.  Yes. She thanked me for sharing that story.  Then she asked me if I want the tappers or the light and she’ll have me visualize it.  I quickly said tappers.  I think she knows by now I like those a lot better.  She gave them to me, turned them on and she basically told me what he had said.  It was helpful.  She is very good with me.  We also talked earlier, when we were talking about my collections, how I was even a leader then with my fan club for a baseball player (she knew him from a few years ago at the center around town).  I told her my Mom was, too.  I think she was, even then, trying to make me feel good about myself because she knew something was going on.  Didn’t know what – at least she says – but something.  And I feel so bad about the way I acted.  So bad.  I even told her, “I’m sorry,” before I left.  It’s just not something I can snap my fingers and get out of.  But I hate myself for getting into it.  I didn’t say anything more but the “I’m sorry.”  She even asked me if there was anything exciting happening this week before Thursday when she sees me again.  I told her a few and some of my technology frustrations from today.  Before I left she said I look like I need to go home and dance.  I agreed.    Now that I’m home and it’s over I still feel badly.  I feel badly about the way I acted and I couldn’t cover it up with her this time.  I feel badly for having the accident in the first place.  I shouldn’t be doing that!  I’m hoping she doesn’t feel badly about me for that or label me as some emotional something.  It doesn’t happen very often and I just couldn’t get out of it this time for some reason.  I don’t feel as bad now that I’m not there and I’m out of the situation but it’s still there and it won’t go away.  I hope in time it’ll fade.    I probably should be talking about it with her – talking would be good and maybe make me feel better.  But I don’t want to.  I don’t want to talk about this problem anymore!  I’m so, so tired of it!  But things happen all the time and I talk about it.  I feel like I’m caught up in a circle that keeps going around and around.  I want to but I can’t get off.  I want this problem to go away!  And if it can’t go away I want to find a way to accept it and then I can get off of that circle that keeps going around and around and won’t stop.  Go away!!