I had a dream about cutting

Apparently my wrestling to not cut runs really deep. I've been working really hard to not give in. But in my dream I cut and now it feels so much harder not to do it. In my dream it was a super shallow cut on my wrist, similar to the first time I cut in real life years and years ago.

When I woke up and realized it was just a dream I felt body slammed with a mix of emotions, mostly relief I hadn't really cut my wrist because it's almost impossible to hide...but mostly feeling really....some kind of way about not having a cut in real life. Extreme disappointment might be the right term. This depression makes me hurt so much and I miss wearing my pain on my body. I miss the validation of it. I miss the pain of doing it and the endorphin boost from it. I FUCKING hate this. Depression is exhausting in itself, but fighting SH urges is doubly exhausting and now it is going to be even harder to fight the urges today. It's 3 pm but I will probably go back to sleep. Easiest way to not want to cut is to not be awake. I know I need to work this through in therapy. I hope I get an appointment soon.