I Had 2 Accidents We Call It An Off Day

OK …. I don’t want to write this one again but here goes.  I had 2 accidents today – right in a row.  We call it an off day.  Yeah.  It makes me mad at myself.  It makes me feel like a failure.  It shouldn’t have happened.  I feel really badly about it.  Here’s what happened.   It was rainy today but started clearing up.  I came in with my rain jacket on.  I had a bag with me with goodies that I said I’d talk about later. I wanted to go next door to the store.  She asked me if I wanted to go now.  Yes because I needed to go to the bathroom but that man was still out there in the waiting room.  She asked me if I wanted to wait a minute – it’s up to me.  Or, I could leave first and she could catch up with me.  No, I didn’t want to do that.  I said that he’s seen us leave before, she asked me if he’s ever said anything.  No, so I wanted to go.  I knew I couldn’t wait too much longer before we’d leave.  She saw the bag and asked me if I wanted to take it.  Yes, and I took out the other bag I said I’d tell her about later.    We left.  We went out of her office, down the steps and out the door.  I started to go a little and thought I could do this (I told her this later) and couldn’t.  She looked at me and asked, “Are you doing alright?”  “No.”  “You’re not doing alright?”  “No.”  So the next thing I knew she said we’ll go back.  We were on our parking lot out in front.  I just kept wetting my pants the whole time.  She gave me the bag to hold to cover – or maybe I was already holding it – I don’t remember.  I do notice I lag behind a little when this is going on.  Harder to walk I guess.  Or maybe she just respects me not to see anything so she walks a little ahead.  When we got inside going down the stairs she told me, “It’s all good.  It’s really alright.”  Something like that.   So I went downstairs to change in the bathroom.  She checked the door first and said it was closed – the coast was clear.  So I went in, changed and she was waiting for me in her usual spot by the stairs.  She smiled at me when I came out holding my bag of wet clothes kind of behind me.  She told me we can try again later if I wanted.  I shook my head yes.  She said that sometimes I push myself too hard and asked if that’s what happened.  Yes and I want to be able to do it so bad.  She knows.    We went back into the waiting room and I mumbled I hoped the guy wasn’t there.  She put her arms up that he wasn’t as we were walking through saying, “It’s all good”.  We went back into her office and she asked me how I was feeling.  “OK.  I’m OK.”  I was.  It happens.  She commented that it’s a good thing we didn’t get all the way there.  I also mentioned how we only have 3 weeks after this before my trip so we have to start working.  She asked me if my bladder just gets to a point that it can’t physically do it.  Yes.  That’s what happened.    So I told her what was in my other bag.  I said that whatever products we try in the past we do it and then I completely erase it from my mind.  I don’t remember what worked and what didn’t work.  Maybe she can remember.  I told her in the bag I have 2 Big Berthas (she smiled) and 2 other pads.  I wanted her to keep them here and I don’t know if we should plan to do things or be spontaneous about it.  She asked if I worry if I plan it.  Yes.  But then if I want to do it two times I have to plan for that and sometimes I have to go too badly when I get there (like this time).  I wanted to talk a little about yesterday.  I watched my grandson outside there because I was still afraid to do it in the tiny waiting room.  But he didn’t throw up so that was good.  I told her I probably over-reacted.  She said if it were her she’d go outside and do something active with him.  I guess she was talking in general.  I told her he lit up when I told him I brought his bike and how well he did outside.  It was good for me to go out in back (I parked back there, too) and know I can and do something other than what we do.  I pretty much stayed on the side area and not the back area, though.  Hard to do that.  But the whole experience of going outside there was great for me.  She said she was proud of me.  We also went next door to my hairdresser.  He wasn’t there but her neighbor was and the Asian girl.  And we threw a ball against the wall.   I was a little bored at first just watching him ride but then later we talked to a man (kind of weird) and his dogs and that was nice for me.  I asked her if she saw us outside.  No.  So we started talking about fear – my fears.  Instead of working on each on individually like the throwing up one we need to focus on the underlying fear.  Like that game with those things that keep bopping up and you keep hitting them down.  You keep bopping them down but they keep popping back up because you don’t get to the underlying cause.  So that’s what we need to do.    We talked about my fear of throwing up and she said about me being afraid of what others think (not exactly in those words but close) and afraid to call my Aunt, about getting a job and even volunteering and I said afraid something bad might happen to people.  Yes.  How my Mom tried to instill fears in me but I tried not to.  Like my problem, I’m fine on the outside but not on the inside and that’s what we have to work on.  She said about my fear of throwing up that everyone throws up.  I shook my head no.  I didn’t say but no – I don’t want to throw up – ever!  She said like that book “Everyone Poops.”  She asked me if I ever found a book on everyone throws up.  No.   Maybe she’d look for one.  When she had asked me where she thinks my fears came from I said, “My Mom”.  She commented how I answered that real fast.  Yes.  So she suggested to write a letter to my Mom telling her.  I was to write it so she handed me a writing tablet.  I started, Dear Mom.  It was really hard.  We had talked a little about my fears but I was feeling like I needed to go to the bathroom again.  I told her.  She said it had been half an hour since I went before.  I told her I wanted to try again to go next door.  But I was a little hesitant and she said it’s up to me.  I glanced at her drawer and said I do have another change of clothes in there.  Yes.    So I decided to try again.  She pulled out the bag and plopped it on the couch by me.  I told her I wanted her to hold the bag for me.  She did.  You know … thinking about it … maybe I held it the first time.  I just don’t remember.  Anyway, we set out again.  Out the office, down the stairs and out the door heading towards the store next door.  I may have said, “I don’t know if I can do this.”  I’m not sure.  I just started going to the bathroom again.  I don’t know what was said – another blank out I do.  I think we may have gotten a few steps farther than the first time but not many.  We were still on our parking lot and not the store’s yet.    I do remember when we turned around to go back, just wetting my pants uncontrollably again, saying to her, “Damn it, her name.”  I think maybe just before that she asked me, “Can you not do this?” and I shook my head no and practically grabbed my bag of extra clothes out of her hand to use the bag to cover.  Maybe I start lagging behind a little when it happens, maybe she can just tell by the look on my face and how I’m acting.  So again we went back, down the stairs, she checked for me while I hesitated until I knew it was clear and went back into that downstairs bathroom to change.  I came back out, again with my bag behind my back, and we walked back up the steps.  I think I just gave her some kind of look and she looked back with encouragement but no smiles this time.  And, you know, the whole way back up there, 2 flights of stairs, there was absolutely no conversation.  Kind of creepy.  No, very creepy.  I know I get quiet when this happens but her, too.  We came back in and she knew how badly I felt.  She said that was the first time ever she heard me cuss.  I said how I wanted to do this and how I felt like a failure.  And we had just been talking about fear.  The fear that what’s wrong with me?  Why did I have to go so quickly again?  Am I getting worse?  I want to be getting better!  She asked me if fear came into play this time.  Yes.  She asked me what that was like.  Just that I’m not going to be able to do this.  She said maybe I have a slight infection that I just don’t know about sometimes.  I don’t know.  She again said about really practicing this at home.  At first she said this weekend but knows it’s hard to do on weekends with more going on and going places.  Then she said tomorrow, or later today to do it.  And to try to push it on the drinking of lots of water.  I told her I do.  I asked her about her irritation if she had any accidents.  No but it was uncomfortable.  I said I bet she didn’t wait very long.  No.  So we proceeded on with the letter I was writing.  I was wanting to condense the 2 bags of wet clothes into one and she thought I was looking for the pen.  She told me by my purse and I said I just wanted one bag – not two.  She didn’t say anything and I got the pen.  I didn’t say but psychologically I didn’t want to think I had 2 accidents if they were in 1 bag – weird, I know.  I don’t even know what I wrote.  I told her thoughts keep popping into my head and I keep popping them out just as fast.  Why?  I don’t want to think about this and cry.    I wrote some good things she told me but it was very hard.  I didn’t want to cry and felt like it so I stopped a couple times.  Finally I told her I just can’t do it anymore.  She didn’t push me.  Once before that she asked me if I wanted to stop and continue at a different time but I continued on a bit.  I think it was hard because I didn’t want to cry (although she told me it would be OK) and because I was still so upset with having those 2 accidents.  But I didn’t tell her these.  And I think that’s why I can’t remember much, if anything, of what I wrote.   She took it when I said enough.  Only one sentence in the last paragraph I started on and didn’t finish.  She asked me if I wanted her to read it to me even though I read each paragraph by paragraph (there were maybe 3 or 4 short ones) as I wrote them each.  If she can read my handwriting – I wrote fast.  She did and asked me how it felt to hear it.  Hard.  She could tell how this whole day was hard for me and asked me if I wanted to talk about something else.  Yes.  It was very hard for me and she just called it an off day.  She asked me if I knew why it was like that today.  No.    So we talked about my son.  I told her how I offered to go on a day trip and pick up his stuff at his old place and he wasn’t very nice to me, hung up and never called me back.  Here I was offering to go out of my way and he acts like that.  We really need to talk about what I can do to combat that when I’m with him on our trip.  We will.  On a good note I said how my friend called me up and told me the Amish trip was the best event we’ve ever done.  My therapist said that was great and what a great job I did on planning it.    I told her we’ll call my Aunt on Monday.  I didn’t know, at the beginning, to do it today or not.  So now I said I will try on Monday and hopes it doesn’t take the whole session.  If it does can I use my extra session to come back Tuesday or Wednesday?  She almost had that “enough is enough” look and looked in her schedule book.  It did make me feel badly.  Maybe she’s getting tired of me.  Do you think I like to be like this?  Of course not.  But I didn’t say a word.  After looking in her book she said we can work it out.  I said that maybe I won’t even need to trying to sound positive.  I just don’t know how she is going to react and we have so much to do and talk about before my trip but I kept these thoughts to myself, too.    I talked about going to the reunion this weekend.  How my friend, who is like my brother, isn’t on the list to go.  But my husband will be there.  She was telling me to have fun trying to keep me positive and not going into this shame thing I do.  She asked me if I have any other concerns besides the social part (we’ve really not talked about that and it’s not that big of a deal so I’m not sure where she’s coming from).  I told her yes but I’ll be OK.  It’s just for dinner.  I’m sure she knew it was about finding bathrooms in time but it’s not a big deal in every situation.  Just certain ones.  But it doesn’t keep me from thinking about it.  She asked me if there was going to be dancing.  I don’t know – I don’t think so.  She does know I like to dance.  I told her I looked up that neurogenic bladder.  I don’t think that’s what I have.  There’s lots on it and I didn’t want to print it all out.  It’s when the brain/spinal cord doesn’t work in sync with the bladder muscles and almost the opposite happens.  The brain says you have to go to the bathroom but your bladder can’t let go and some people have to be catharsized.  Maybe that guy wakes up to do that.  If she sees him again she’ll ask more.  I reminded her when I tried the alarm thing.  I either went before it went off or I slept through it.    She asked me what I think my diagnosis is.  I guess Overactive Bladder.  But maybe some of that neuro comes into play with it.  She asked about the Encephalitis I had and yes, maybe something doesn’t connect right because of it.  And when I was reading about this neurogenic bladder it did say something about that word that begins with a ‘d’ (she wrote it down) in that article I brought in about going to the bathroom preventatively too much.  Earlier when we were talking about my fear of throwing up I said I remember when I was 3 and I came home from the hospital and how my mom over-reacted to me throwing up as soon as I got home.  Either from the Encephalitis or one of the surgeries I had (my walk, my eyes) but I don’t remember.  She acted like it was such a terrible thing to happen.  I was talking fine about other things but I was still feeling badly about having those two accidents so close together.  I took a breath/sigh and asked her how I can get out of this so it doesn’t carry on and into the weekend.  I was definitely recognizing what was going on with me.  She said to just consider this an off day.  We all have them.  I told her I know I can do it.  I can go over there with no problems because I’ve done it many times before.  She agreed.  She asked me if I’m seeing the massage therapist after.  Yes.  She told me after that to go on over there and get a cookie or something.  But go to the bathroom first.  In other words to prove to myself I can do it because I told her I was scared to go over there now.  I also told her to write down what she just said.   “What did I say?” she didn’t quite remember.  I started her off by it being an off day and here’s what she wrote on a piece of paper and then gave to me:  Today was just an off day, we all have them. You can do it again & have success – Believe in this!  (Her Name)  She gave it to me saying she can’t spell ‘success’.  “S u c c e s s,” I spelled as I took it, grabbed my big heavy bag full of 2 pair of wet jeans and left telling her to have a nice weekend.  I went into the massage therapist and yes, this time she did look at the bag.  I just put it down, with my jacket over it, and my purse next to it, trying to ignore it and sat down on the massage therapy chair.  She didn’t say anything and neither did I.  A long time ago I voiced concern over her noticing the bag and my therapist told me she won’t notice or care.  Well … she did notice.  And this time the bag was pretty big with 2 pairs inside.  I told my massage therapist my concern about calling my Aunt and I’m going to do it Monday with my therapist’s support.  She told me to talk to my Aunt’s caregivers first or just show up.  I told her my Aunt answers the phone and I can’t ask for them because she’ll think I’m going behind her back.  I think my massage therapist thinks I’m making too big a deal about this.  But she doesn’t know my Aunt!  And I always wonder why she thinks I’m in therapy in the first place – and twice a week.  I hope she doesn’t care.    So after my massage I went into the bathroom.  She thought maybe I wanted a drink of water which is right there by the bathroom, too.  I wondered if anyone was in there and just said I was going to go to the bathroom.  I went, said bye to her (the other therapist was in that hallway and we just smiled at each other – I don’t think she’s very friendly) and left.  I thought about just walking to the store and not going in.  But I thought no – I have to work right through this.  I have to prove to myself I can do it even though I just had went to the bathroom.  So I did.  I didn’t buy anything like my therapist suggested but I did go to the back counter, asked a question and talked briefly to the person back there.  Then I left, walked back to my car and drove home.  Yes – I can do it.  But I have a ‘but’.  But I didn’t have to go to the bathroom!  Well, it’s a step.  Maybe next time I’ll be successful.  So now I have to stay out of that shame mode I get into.  Why I had an accident two times in a row I don’t know and didn’t wait very long at all.  I just hope I’m not getting worse with this problem when I’m trying my hardest to make it better.  I have to remember that those accidents were only with my therapist and they weren’t really real.  And I don’t think she saw anything – she respects me on that.  She just looks straight at me and then walks a little ahead of me.  Both times it was pretty wet, pretty far down the legs of my jeans.  I hope nothing dripped on the floor.  I don’t think so, or a drop or two maybe if that, but I didn’t turn around to look.    So far lately, with her, I’ve been able to keep the shame away so I just have to tell myself to keep doing that.  I do remember when I was changing in the bathroom the second time how angry, really angry, at myself I felt.  I just need to keep moving forward and don’t look back.  Maybe that’s what I need to do.  In not looking back I can maybe not remember what happened.  But maybe that’s not so good because then I block it all out and erase it from my memory and can’t use it for future use.  There has to be some middle ground here.