I hate

I hate this life of being the mom of an angel.
I hate being the mom of a son who moved out of my house.
I hate being the mom of another son who is moving away.
I hate being the wicked stepmother.
I hate the way my husband keeps asking me what's wrong with me. WTF? Still? Really? YOU STILL HAVE TO ASK?
I hate this emptiness in my chest. In my life.
I hate the way my sister got her feelings hurt by my sadness.
I hate the pitiful way people look at me when I tell them that my son is dead.
I hate that I have a new friend named Jana who does not know that I have a dead son and I do not plan to tell her just so that I might be able to pretend everything is normal and happy. That's really messed up, isn't it?
 
               I LOVE
I love that I have you here to pick me up when I feel like this. Thank you Denise for helping me through the night and thank you Teri because I know you will get me through tomorrow.  I love you all.
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

not messed up at all. just honest. and here is where you can be you without any mask. {{{hugs}}} love you!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Colleen.......I have many of the same hate feelings you have......just trying to work through them really sucks. My husband and I divorced after more than 26 years and according to him I should forget about Jennie like she never existed.NO WAY IN HELL!! He is doing his grieving by heavenly drinking and married a girl with a 6 or 7 yr old boy, the month after Jennie died, then the month after that he adopted the boy. Oh yea, and this \"woman\" is 4 days older than my other daughter, Julie. (He is 62 and she is 30). So he has a whole new family. He cut all ties with our daughter, Julie.......even after the divorce we were very amicable, because of surgeries Jennie had to go through and other things, but once Jennie was gone, so were we. It is definitely his loss.So I have an idea about a lot of things you are feeling and hopefully we will be able to cope with them better as time goes by. I don\'t like saying when it gets easier, what\'s so damn easy about losing a child. I don\'t like saying when we get through this....it\'s never going to go away,....we just have to learn to live a different \"normal\" (that we didn\'t ask for, but was forced on us) and that I think will take a lifetime, because there will always be triggers, some little ones and some big ones that will hit when least expected. I still want to know WHY????? Why take her now??? I\'m sorry, but I don\'t want to hear it\'s God\'s way. Don\'t know if I will ever be ready for that one.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Not that I am ever capable of it, but right now I can\'t offer any words of wisdom, only tight hugs...Love, Barbara
biowoman
biowoman

Oh Colleen...I am so sorry that you are in a really low place right now...it seems like there are many things that bothering you. We all know that at the core of this is Jeff...that his absence magnifies all the other lows in life. Sometimes that casues us to spiral downward. Please remember that you will feel better again. Maybe not great...but better. Love and hugs...Karen
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

With you in these feelings... lots of compassion and understanding and also hope that you wil continue to let us know how you are and that you are among mothers who get it yet wished we didn\'t. Love and Hugs, Joanie
RememberKala
RememberKala

My phone is on and I\'m ready for your call. I left you a message yesterday. I don\'t know that I will have any words of comfort...I do know what I have is so much love for you. I understand the hate, and I understand the love. I hold tight to what Kala has told me...\"don\'t focus on the hate mom, focus on the love\"....and on other occassions....\"LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS\". I must hold on to the wisdom of my child. And I hold on you too my friend, with all my heart, I\'m holding on to you!
Robin4
Robin4

Oh Colleen, I\'m so very sorry. Man isn\'t created to be miserable. It\'s so easy to \"hate\" and feel wronged. In a sense we were wronged and robbed, but so is each of us in life to some degree. I agree with Teri, focus on the \"love\". We love you and there will be better days. Hang in there. Love Robin
JFandMDmom
JFandMDmom

I wish I had words to comfort you...but know that we are all there with you...understanding, holding your hand and hoping for a better day. Love to you...Valerie
deleted_user
deleted_user

ur words ring so true. my little sister she tries to say what she is going through is similar to what I went through. Please. You kids moving out and your husband moving out how is that the same??
deleted_user
deleted_user

Words we can all relate to if we are honest. Wishing you a better tomorrow. Love and hugs Cathy
BinkyH
BinkyH

I understand somewhat. I hate a lot of things at times but have to keep on \"keeping on\". I live in a small rented room. I have no hubby. My only remaining child is many states away. The other is dead. No grandkids. Colleen, I agree with others who have said to focus on love and more importantly, the positive things in life. I don\'t have a great deal of them so have no choice but to try to. I will be 55 this year and have no home, no retirement, no husband and one child left. How is that for things to hate? But I cannot. I just keep working and hoping and praying. I do hope that you can find some peace in your circumstances soon, Colleen. This is a hard road we are on. Love, B