I guess I am bipolar!

Yesterday I was on top of the world feeling good about myself but still thinking in some way I was going to be "good enoug" to win the love I so desire from the one who has my heart.  Today I am facing what my mind know to be the reality! It is not me it is him.  He has a smooth comfortable single life and has has for 48 years.  He intends to stay just that way.  Relationships, even the best ones, cause both joy and pain.  He is not willing to climb on ther ride nor will he ever be.  He has worked very hard to build his safe little cacoon world and he is not going to imerge from the that "saftey for me or anyone else".  He just failed to make that clear until I was so far gone, it is almost impossible to recover!  I think he was "flirting" with the idea for a while but the first time it required any action on his part, he decided it just wasn't worth it, he just failed to tell me beecause he liked the attention and benefits he was recieving from "pretending".  His heart was no longer involved so no pian on his part meanwhile I got "crushed"!!  He got me right after the failure of my 18 year marriage when my heart was easy to take.  He should be beaten for th=aking advantage of my state.  I really don't believe he went into it with bad intentions but at some point he made his decision he just "Let" me keep hope where there was none and fall deeper and deeper.  He is going to have to answer to God for his actions.  I have nothing to be ashamed of.  I loved truely and sincerely.  Don't know if I ever will be able to again.  I pray it is God's plan for me to have a real love before I die! First I have to figure out how to get Tony out of my heart and FACE THERE IS NO HOPE!!!  I could compete with any woman for him but I can't compete with himself! He will win and I will continue to loose!!  It hurts like a b**ch!! I pray and pray and try to smile and have fun but there is a big hole in my heart and it contiues to bleed!!