I GOT OLD!!!
First I want to say I am sorry I have not written to anyone or given support to others in need. The way the site is now is a bit confusing to me. I am not sure but think I shared that I lost my sweet mommy a year ago in March. It has had a big impact on me, different than when Ken passed. Hard for me to explain. Maybe a look at my own mortality high not death per say but the body deteriorating as my mom who was so very strong all her life to no ability to lift her legs. Lost all her muscle mass, loss all control, but her beautiful smile. Alway a smile, a word of caring. Never thinking she would not be able to care for herself. Some of the thoughts I have. After mom passed, I took a look at me. I realized that after taking care of Ken, the 3 years I just exited after his death, than began the full time journey of caring for my mom, I looked in the mirror and realized, “I have gotten old while caring for Ken and mom. I had no time to care for my own body. I look at my arms at 70, I see my moms arms at 90. What happened to the tight arms I had. Yes I expect to age but this has been a drastic process. NOW WHAT. Do I wear 3/4 length tops to hide the sagging ....I don’t want too but I don’t like the looks. All the lotion in the world would not fix. Ageing is a normal process but has it been exceeded by the stress, the losses, the diabetics that started 2 years ago. I have in the past always looked younger than my age. Never worried about it and if I cover up certain places some still think I am younger than I am. Even doctors will double check my birthdate. It’s nice but that’s not going last either. Is it pride, I don’t think so, it’s just facing reality. The reality that I am older, getting older and my own death is now closer in front of me. Oh if the way I believe is the way death will bring joy and happiness just not ready yet, have things I want to do, but this wrinkles, sagging skin, WOW what do I do with it. I say to myself just deal with it! I just haven’t figured out how yet!!!!
Replies
Yes, Sandi, I do remember reading a journal about your dear mom and I know you must really miss her presence in your life. Mine was one of my most significant cheerleaders and I long for that kind of unconditional love that she gave me.
I hear you on getting older, yet remember it is something we are all doing together! The sags, the wrinkles, the looking at our reflections and wondering who that woman is gazing back at us is startling at times, isn't it? I do believe that enduring a loss such as we each have is felt inside as well as out.
I also believe that we are own harshest critics and that most of what we might feel embarrassed about others are worrying if we are noticing that about them as well. I had patients in the hospital that I would go and visit when I was doing my chaplaincy work and they made their family members promise to "pluck their chin hair." lol! Who ever imagined that hair would become an issue too in places that it is not supposed to be!
Keeping a light heart, a sense of humor and remembering that we are warrior mamas and all warriors carry their battle wounds. As one of my favorite writers, Glennon Doyle Melton says, "First the pain, then the RISING!" We can do hard things and growing older is humbling, it's not something that we have a road map for and truly, for me the only thing that keeps me sane is being able to have a good laugh from time to time about some of the crazy things I do and say. OY! :)
Loving care your way dear Sandi from Douglas and me. I often think of what Douglas would say to me now? What would Ken say? Douglas called me a "silver fox" when I began to let my hair become what it wanted to become and in his eyes I was always his beautiful mama. I rest in that and I have no doubt that Ken felt the same way about his darling mama too.
XO Joanie
Ken would say to me “Oh mom, you have always worried about your stomach.” Of course Ken was the one that help create ost of those scars we call Stretch Marks. And I was blessed with a tummy full of them. Having being pregnant at 16 I can’t remember what it looked like to not have scars on my stomach. I was raised where we didn’t look at our bodies. My sweet mommy never had one stretch mark but after two breast removed she could never get over. She was raised during the pointy breast. I would say “oh mom who ear that heavy bra after her surgies but that was her thing. I would say “mom, I wish I would never have to wear a bra.. It’s always something we see wrong with our bodies which are probably more us seeing them than others. Amazing how 4 to 5 years can make a difference in our ageing. Of course we age or we die. And ageing is an issue for so many or we would not have so many creams on the market or plastic surgeons. You ask what would Ken say, well he had weight issues and when he was getting ready for his Stem Cell Transplant, they came in and weighed him in bed and said out loud what his weight was. It embraced him as he said “mom did you hear what they said”. I responded with a yes but his weight was not the issue for me, it was his health, his life that was my issue. So if he was here today his answer would be “Oh mom you always worry about your body”. Yes there are things much more important than worrying about our ageing bodies but just as we wish for so much, so much more important, I guess it’s normal to wish.. My biggest wish for us all is we would not have had to go through the death of our children. I do believe that the pain and stress of our losses have part in breaking us on the inside and outside. At 71 and oh how old that sounds, I feel I am now facing my own mortality. I wish to live to my mommy’s age but not to deteriorate the way she did the last few months of her life. Losing that part of my mom haunts me, yet it is out of our hands just as the skin that was once tight has now become lose and flabby...So Mom, Ken say, just joy life and Don’t Worry.
Sandi, I too remember you sharing about your sweet mom, and again, I'm so very sorry for this loss. And I agree, dealing with all we've dealt with (I lost my mom a year before my Kala) does take it's toll on our bodies as well as our minds. I think we just do what we can each day as far as exercise...whether it's taking a walk or climbing a mountain (LOL)....the point being, do what you can, as often as you can. I look in the mirror and see my mom staring back at me too....and YES, I have the sagging arms that flap in the wind too, and I'm 55.
Lots of love and understanding and THANKS for checking in and sharing! The more I've logged on since the format change, the more comfortable I've become with it!
Hugs,
Teri
Sandi, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I am also becoming 70 this year. I'm not happy with my flabby arms, or my pouchy stomach, or very untoned thighs... sigh... but I'm ME and if no one else like it... they can go away ! (I'd usually insert another word, but I'll be nice !...lol)
Losing our parents is so different from losing a spouse or even a child...although for me, losing my Jenn is, and hopefully will be, the hardest thing I've ever had to endure.
For me losing my Dad (my Mom had died 20 years before) meant I had no one above me on my family tree to rely on.. it is all on me now. Guess I have to be the grown up.
Hugs, MaryLou... Jenns Mom forever
Yes Mary Lou After mom passed I said now I am an orphan. I was blessed to have the time with my mom. We reconnected in a different way. We were always close but mom changed as she got older and lived in the nursing home. She was much more relaxed. I guess for me losing mom made me more aware of my own mortality. I would not take anything for those last years I had with mom and the day we changed places and I become her mom. A few weeks before she passed she really needed her hair trimmed. She was asleep when I arrived with my hair cutting kit. She couldn't sit up so I held her from side to side especially to cut the back. Amazingly it turned out just right. The picture that they used to style her hair was just as I had cut it. Must have been someone helping me out. I miss mom. We have been gone from home since last Nov it seems odd to be going home and no longer can I go visit her but she is now with Ken and it gives me comfort knowing she is caring for him.
Since I am the young one turning 60 this year, I have my tummy issue it never shrinks. I am working on my arms so I don't get those bat wings like Grandma had LOL. My hair is gray via mother nature I am lucky because gray is the in color my daughter said people pay big money for hair my color. Isn't that grand. My parents are long gone, now my favorite aunt is very ill. My hubby is mentally ill and it is taking a toll on his body also and zapping my strength.
Keep the faith my dear it is not the end remember we have decades of memories and intellect.
Tight hugs
Penny
Hi Sandi, I remember when your sweet mom passed. Saying goodbye just plain hurts....and to see loved ones begin to fail is difficult too. I'm so sorry. ♡
I'm turning 63 in a couple of weeks and I can definitely see changes I don't like, lol. I just pray I can continue to be busy, sharp and energetic. I guess it's just one day at a time for me, trying not to think too much about what the future will hold.
Love to you and dearest Kenny, Linda ♡
Thanks all. I have just seem to be losing the collagen. Mom didn't show it till her last few month and she quit eating. I think mine was fast due to several weeks of not eating and the Diabeties seems to affect the body.. I will just be thankful for what I have.
♡