I Gave Her Something I Made

I came in with my 1/3 sheet poster board.  I can tell she glanced at it but I may have been holding it facing me.  So the first thing I told her was I made something for her.  I got bored and decided to be creative.  It’s a laminated poster board with big decorative letters spelling out her name.  I gave it to her and she said it was beautiful and how much she appreciated me making her that.  She asked me how I did.  I told her I used to do a lot of counted cross stitch (she didn’t know that about me) and I have pattern books.  I got graph paper to do this.  She said she continues to find out how creative I am and how I put my utmost effort into things and do so well at them.  I need to use that.  I want to.  She said she’ll find a place for what I just gave her and she put it on her desk across the back for now.  I said how I know how she likes birds and flowers and there just happen to be a bird and 2 flowers in the letters.  Later I said how I think that’s nothing.  No big deal.  She thanked me for her “card” when I wished her a happy birthday for tomorrow.  I guess she thinks it’s a birthday present.  I didn’t say but it doesn’t matter – the timing was just that.  She also said that I should be working kids with things like this.  Oh, I mentioned how we were wearing the same color today (it was like a maroon -ish purple) but she didn’t say anything back.  I told her I had a list of things to talk about it but we’ll go fast because then I want to do anything she wants to do.  First I said that with Thanksgiving and her surgery we need to make different appointment times.  Do I want to do that now?  Yes.  We did – well, partially.  I still have to decide if I want to come in Wednesday afternoon before Thanksgiving or that Saturday (10AM or after).  I can let her know but the Wednesday might fill up and she’s only working until 4PM.  Saturday she doesn’t have anyone – yet.  Then as far as her surgery I’ll see her Monday at 1 and her surgery is Wednesday.  She said if she has no complications she can see me the next Thursday at 2 and then going back to the regular schedule that next Monday.  For Thanksgiving she said she is having out of town guests but very small.    I told her my daughter’s boyfriend did get that job but quit already so they may not need to rearrange things but that’s up to him.  Yes, I’m sure she knows, he’s very impulsive.  When we were checking out I asked her if she’s seeing them Wednesday.  No, it’s Thursday.  They don’t know that.  I’m glad I asked and I’ll have to tell them.    I also mentioned about starting next year it may be unlimited mental health so it may be more beneficial to her that they’ll pay the full amount both times per week.  But will they say I’m coming too much and not want to pay at all or want me to stop?  She said when it gets closer she’ll call and talk to them.  I also said before I left that I need to call and find out exactly how many more sessions I have because we are coming to the end of the year.    The first thing I started talking about was the massage therapist and the yoga class she asked about.  My massage therapist and I laughed at the story I told her when I called to find out.  I had mentioned my son taught me a little and she asked if I’d be interested.  “Sure!” I told her.  My therapist asked if I wanted to do the yoga.  Yes, I want to on the outside but on the inside I think, do I want to?  She asked because I may need to take a break and go to the bathroom?  Right.    Then she said she’s going to a beading class with her exchange students.  Beading?  At first I thought she meant beating because I had just come from her using that bat to beat.  My massage therapist told me I could come, too.  That would be fun.  But I didn’t.  And I was busy with my work.  But I would have liked to.  She asked me if I like to do that.  Yes, I make a lot of my own stuff.  She asked me if I’d like to do that with friends.  I have.  She remembered the bracelet I made her.  But, what we got at is I should be saying yes a lot more than no.  She said I’m ready to get out and do more.  I said I’ve been ready!  Really ready she said.  She asked me if I’d like to do exchange students.  Maybe but I don’t speak the languages but I don’t think you have to.  She said they all speak English.  Then I talked about how unhappy I am with my husband.  I love him, I’ve been with him thirty plus years.  But I don’t like him.  And living with him is like a dark cloud overhead.  Then I get little tastes of what I really like.  The guy at the post office with the blonde jokes.  And my friend seeing my husband walk/running and calling me up asking how he can leave such a beautiful woman at home.  She said I wish my husband was like that.  Yes.  I like to be like that and I like to give it and get it.  She said I get angrier at him because I don’t get it.  Right.  She also said how if I did get it throughout the day I wouldn’t want it at home – like go away.  Right.  I used to get it a lot but not anymore.    Then I talked about my grandson calling me up Friday wanting to come over because he had a day off school.  I had a lot of work to do and told him I can’t pay that much of attention to him.  Just then my phone rang and I answered it.  It was my daughter’s boyfriend wanting to know about holiday parties and I asked him what grand prize he won.  The Bath & Body Works but he may exchange it instead of giving it to my daughter which she would love.    Anyway, I told my grandson he may be bored.  But he said no he wanted to come anyway.  My daughter said to tell him no if I can’t but I just couldn’t.  How could I say no to him?  She understood.  He was a perfect angel.  He did take his medicine so he was very focused.  I can understand for school but yesterday he didn’t take his medicine and I just love his stories and I do have a high tolerance of kids noise with 3 little ones running around crazy sometimes when they were little.  She said I really enjoy his imagination.  Yes.  We went to the craft fair and I thought he’d want to leave after I bought him something (I did - these little pins).  I thought my other son could watch him at home but he didn’t come over because he has a cold.    Sometimes I think things can be avoided with him by my daughter’s boyfriend.  Not my daughter, she’s a super Mom!  I told her about his coat throwing and someone else having to lecture him.  She smiled.  I just love him so much and I always worry because if something happened to my daughter (God forbid) I would probably never see him again.  I told him, as much as a 7 year old can remember, that if he can’t see us to call his Mom or me or Papa.  And when he’s older (I think it’s 18 I told my therapist) that he knows our names to look us up and call us.  She said it’s hard these days in these situations and she bets it was hard for me to have that conversation with him.  Yes.   I said how I couldn’t sleep last night and put in a video of when he was 2 ½ and all the kids were there for my husband’s birthday including my boys and their girlfriends.  How good my youngest was with his nephew.  Even when he was born and he came he was like a natural, did so well, holding him not being scared – and he’s the youngest.  She said how they may have some of the same personality.  Yes.  It’s just that he’s missing out on all of this and he doesn’t even care.  How just in one year (when I showed him pictures) he commented he doesn’t even know that kid how much he’s grown.  I also talk how what a great bond he has with his uncle who’s here and when he’s around it’s always him – even over me.  But I understand – he is like a father figure that he needs.  I talked about my youngest son calling last night wanting something.  He does.  My Aunt’s car she offered him.  But I want to stay out as much as possible.  She said how my trip out there I was so worried about the 2 difficult people and it’s them.  And, now they want to put me in the middle!  Right.  I said I told him to call my cousin and he wanted me to do it.  First I said to 3 way but then I just did it and called him back.  She said how he always wants me to do things for him.  Right.  But now he has to get out there to get it.  Car, bus, with friends and such.  It just so happened she said something some time ago about giving that car to him but it didn’t happen.  I’m mailing something to my Aunt because her birthday is Sunday and I’ll be talking to her.  Even if I quickly said he wants the car and he’ll be calling she won’t understand.  I think she’s encouraging me to stay out of the middle but it’s hard.    Then I said how I’ll have to pay for the battery and whatever.  How he already owes me so much money and I’ll probably never see it.  I asked him when he’ll have money.  In a month.  She said he should send me some so I can do what he does.  I can’t here.  She said no, I wouldn’t want to be in jail.  I told her I worry about him because it is legal, he does have a piece of paper stating it but I don’t know for sure.  And he’s behind on his house rent payment.  I worry about a sheriff coming and arresting him.  No!    I told her I am worried about money.  We’ve taken so much from that 2nd  mortage.  She said I’ll eventually have to pay it back.  Especially with the holidays coming and I want all my kids to be happy (the big ones and the little ones).  I know what I have to do but we didn’t go into it.  I went on to tell her I think something’s wrong with me.  She looked up a little surprised wondering what.  I told her the massage therapist knows a little but this has been going on since September.  I don’t know if it’s from my neck, back, a cluster of varicose veins, a circulation problem or what.  But it hurts on my right side all the way down to my leg and my calf real bad.  She asked me if I take aspirin.  Advil, every day and I don’t like that.    And, about I did get my period again but it hurts lower in my belly – ovaries?  And sometimes I wonder if my diverticulitis is coming back.  She asked who my internist is.  I told her (she wrote it down) but I really don’t like him very much.  I never get to talk to him – just the receptionist.  I laughed and said he’s not my OB.  She knows how much I like him.  But this doctor will want tests and I don’t want them.  I don’t see him until the end of the year – the last day.  I don’t want to go earlier just because I don’t want to and I’m too busy.  I don’t want the tests!  We talked about my avoidance of them and fear some.  She said how when we get older something does happen.  I hate going to doctors and I’ve been lucky (knock on wood) that so far I’ve been very healthy.  I want to keep it like that!  That was all I had on my list.  So she said we’ll do an exercise and she wrote things down on her form.  I forgot to ask her for it so I’ll try my best in remembering.  It’s about how I want to feel on the inside like I feel on the outside.  I can with people but not when I’m by myself.  But during I needed to go to the bathroom.  I told her and she asked me if I wanted to go.  I wanted to wait a little.  We continued only a couple minutes she saw I was getting uncomfortable and she asked me if I wanted to go.  “It hasn’t been that long,” I told her as I glanced at the clock and we continued.  But we got to the end about a minute or so later and she said we’ll do the tappers when I get back.  So I just got up to go without any resistance.    When I got back she gave me the tappers   She asked me what speed I like.  I didn’t know because she never offered me a choice.  So she showed me and it was a medium length of the vibration and a faster speed.  She said she’s not surprised I chose the faster speed with my name and all.  She said lots of kids, like me, choose that.  We had also talked about things will happen.  Good things, bad things and neutral things.  We can’t live in a bubble … we’ll we can but things will still happen.  I listened and nodded that I know that.  So we started but all of a sudden the one tapper didn’t work.  She teased me by telling me every time we try these things they don’t work.  It happened on the light bar before and later she told me it really wasn’t broken.  I told her it was my powers.  We laughed.  She tried a couple things but they still didn’t work properly even though they did at first.  I told her maybe she needs new batteries.  Maybe.  So she said we’ll just do it with me following her fingers.  She moved close and I just couldn’t do it.  I kept telling her how weird it was.  She saw it was uncomfortable for me and said we’ll do the butterfly hug instead.  But it was funny because when she first starting moving her finger she asked me if I was going to break her fingers, too.  We laughed.  Very weird.    The self hug thing was good and I said especially with the repetitive tapping.  She said something about it being good from both sides of the body.  She just read from what she just wrote down that we did together while I closed my eyes.  About what I can do to work through the fears.  Again, I can’t remember.  I need to ask for a copy.  About working through my fears and people still liking me.  Being confident, happy and fulfilled.  Knowing I’m not alone even though I may feel alone.  I may have God or someone who’s died (my best friend, my Mom) still with me – or even my own nurturing self.  She said every day she has her Dad with her.  I know, I can tell, she was very close to him.  I could tell this really hit home for her and she shows very little of her own life.  I wish she would show more.  She’s a real person, too. I had said before that I’m afraid something bad will happen.  She asked like someone dying?  Yes, or myself, or throwing up.  She knows my worst fears.    So we ended and she asked me if I’m seeing the massage therapist.  No, she’s being a color model.  I can come back later but I haven’t decided yet.  Or, I can come for 20 minutes on Thursday.  She thought longer would be good but she knows I’m scared to.  She told me I go longer than 20 minutes with her.  Today I went about 50 minutes.  I told her I didn’t wait very long.  But she said it’s something to count because it was longer not having to go and that was great.  OK.  I told her we did do that breathing thing.  She said she gave her the CD she’ll have to listen to it.  I told her we did the regular 10 minute massage and I did go to the bathroom in between the two so that was good.  It also depends on how much she talks (she can talk  a lot) and when I went to the bathroom last with her.  I told her that’s something I can say yes to because when we ended she told me I can tell her what I said yes to between now and Thursday.  Right.