I freaking knew it

I knew "reality" would hit me and I would break down. I felt the reality of a empty womb and not to mention my husband gets on my nerves. I get men see things differently and his complaint is "how do I deal with you when you get so moody, you hurt my feelings" Hmmm...I get that, and we have to watch how we are treating our husbands when we are grieving, angry,and hurting. Yet, I DO FEEL selfish because he doesn't have to deal with all the emotions physically and emotionally. So part of me likes "PLEASE" you have to deal with a cranky wife cus she just lost her FIRST AND ONLY child if she wants to try again, she has to crank out thousands of dollars to do it. SHe also has to try and be a good wife and step mom and deal with the constant reminders of everyday life that no she's not a mom or pregnant anymore, BUT YOU ARE MAD CUS YOU HAVE A CRANKY WIFE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????? SHUT THE HELL UP. Okay no I didn't tell him that, but I thought it!Everyday I have to make a choice to deal with all of this and TRY to stay positive and ask GOd everyday to help me deal with it. Sorry for my choice words, but that's just how it is today! I am not strong in this moment!! I am SO VERY, VERY , TIRED of this. My heart hurts and my soul is tired of this race. It's been soo very long and I am tired.  I need strength..