I finally found out!
I found out what I am most afraid of, apart from my parents, I am afraid of myself; its funny i am mentally ill yet i cure myself....this is what needs to be done..people should face their own problems, it makes them think and work hard
My fear is knowing who I am...I don't know who I am because I was made into a fake personality from my parents...looking at myself in the mirror and realising who am I fears me...am i the bad one....was the rape my intention, am i really gay, who do I love guys or girls, what father will I be, most importantliy what am I...those questions are hard to be answered...its the reason why I cant react infront of my parents faces and speak for myself....what if i was released, i am un experienced person, there r secrets inside waiting to be unleashed.
I think suicide never been the answer to my questions, I must face life....Nothing can stop me..I am not a coward thats for sure but I am weak, I wish that I can scream so hard so all of the grudge and grief escapse with my wail...being locked in a room for 6 years now (not literally) but I know alot for a homo mental psycho right?
My fear is knowing who I am...I don't know who I am because I was made into a fake personality from my parents...looking at myself in the mirror and realising who am I fears me...am i the bad one....was the rape my intention, am i really gay, who do I love guys or girls, what father will I be, most importantliy what am I...those questions are hard to be answered...its the reason why I cant react infront of my parents faces and speak for myself....what if i was released, i am un experienced person, there r secrets inside waiting to be unleashed.
I think suicide never been the answer to my questions, I must face life....Nothing can stop me..I am not a coward thats for sure but I am weak, I wish that I can scream so hard so all of the grudge and grief escapse with my wail...being locked in a room for 6 years now (not literally) but I know alot for a homo mental psycho right?
Replies
Really it doesn\'t matter if you end up liking women or men, just do not make your sexuality about gang rape. That does not make your sexuality. Rape is not about sex to a rapist it really about control and violence. The confusing thing is that the act of intercourse is involved and are bodies may react as if we were having sex because of the simple fact especially in men pressue on spot in anal sex can cause ejactulation. It not about pleasure it is pruely biological. Also not unusual if you have achieved the ability to do this by age 13 which most boys do. There are certain biological things that can happen in women too. This doen\'t mot mean we are finding pleasure. I think this is a severly traumatic event in your life and no only did you not allow to heal from this or even attend therapy or get justice your own parents immediately accused you having an orgy and being homosexual. Who wouldn\'t be confused! I was twenty and it took be two weeks to figure out what was going on and I still doubted out. I said No but I most have done something to make him rape me. I know even If I was naked and I said NO he should have stopped. Forcing you by force or pyschologically is force At thirteen you are still a child. I may take you a while to figure out who u are because you have been constantly abused and you have had to fake who you are to get through life. I faked who was so my father would hit me less. I left home at 18 and I told him to his face if he ever hit me again the police would be called and If I was at his home I would do it also if I was visiting him and he lived a very small community where everyone knew everyone. He realized I was serious and he hasn\'t laid a hand on me since. You are going to need to go through therapy to start to understand the trauma that happened to you as a child. Somehow you need to find a way from your parents. I don\'t think you will be able for you to do this being held back by your parents and still being abused at 19. If not physically, but controlling what you should study in life. You have no idependence in anyway. I know that it your life and culture is much different than mine. If you ever want to talk to me in private please message me. You are not crazy. This abuse was allowed to go on because of you parents. No you are weak. Take your time with your sexuality, You can choice to be a good father. My father had no father and he no example. You know what your father and mother do that hurts you so you would do the oppisite. So you know what not to do. You have a consience. I can\'t see you being like you father and mother. You have time before you have children.