I fell in to a deep isolation...

and I tried to connect with others but I ended up feeling more lonely than before. I don't know how to help people. I used to think it was the best way to help myself. Forget about me and just go help someone else. Then I'd forget about me. I always forget about me.

I hate spring/summer. I hate all the memories that make me miss people so deeply. I'm too lonely and I never thought I'd ever get to this point. I'm getting older and my diseases are getting worse with every breath. It's what they do though, I accept them. I accept that there are more bad days than good now. I accept it. But I don't know how to handle it more often than not.

I get by. Moment to moment. Hour to hour. The days blend, one to the next.

My father said, "Just let your darkness shine." I'm so afraid of that though. I'm so afraid of me. My stepmom said "You are both writers...it's just how it is."

It is. It is. It is.

My mind wants out of the body prison. My spirit is too young and free to be trapped in here with this failing meat suit. I don't know how to connect with my body anymore. I don't want to. I guess I should just love it for keeping me alive? But people always say, "You are nothing without good health.". Then ten years ago, I became nothing.

And no matter how hard I try, I can't make something out of nothing.

So I just wander through this world I don't belong in like a ghost with a fading heartbeat.

I do my very best and it still is never enough.