I feel so stuck right now.
When he gets out of jail in December he will be back with his brother. Now its two as apposed to one. I still feel the same way about the letters. At least when they were coming I know where he was by the postmark. Now they will be back together. Its not Christipher that I am afraid of but his brother. Chris is and was so manipulated by his brother who just allowed things that should now have been ok to be ok. He did not help his brother in any way. Ok. I realize this may be confusing. Clarification is coming.
Clarifications: Christopher was a special needs adult who used to see a professor at FAU while I was in school there. I was a special education major with a minor is studies for the autistic. Mean I wanted to be a special needs teacher. I worked with Chris for a while. He was a sweet heart. A 29 year old with a 7 year old mind set. He was so willing to please and so sweet. So shy. So picked on. I hated seeing others being cruel when he would go to the lunch café or other places. His brother was an engineer major at FAU. I saw him once or twice coming through to get Chris. Never spoke. He seemed sort of withdrawn. Standoffish.
I got an email one week from campus security stating that two girls had been raped in their dorms. We were told to be safe. Yada Yada. You get the drill. I was. I tried to be. Anyway I was going to my car which was like a freaking mile from the damn building. Such is your luck when your always running late due to various job schedule conflicts. I didn't make it to my car. A blue truck came up and a guy just pulled me into the bed of the truck. I was held down and told not to scream. I had a knife to my neck and was freaking out about the speed bumps. Off all fucking things I was messed up over the speed bumps and this sharp blade to my neck. Not where are we going. What the hell is happening. But omg slow down on the bumps please. We stopped after an insane amount of turns and lights. Like an hour in that damn truck or at least it felt like an hour. We got out and they took me into this trailer. My head was everywhere. I started kicking at screaming at that point for some reason. No around even paid it any mind. One of those don't ask don't tell areas where everyone is cool with what happens and no one rats anyone out.
I get inside and it's Christopher. I'm like what the hell. I was insane mad. My thought is what are these thugs going to do to him. I was all of a sudden more worried about Chris. The guy there was pissed because apparently Chris wasn't supposed to know me or something. I was confused. It clicked after several comment. "Your only suppose to pick the bitches and assholes dumb ass" ... "Your only supposed to pick chicks that need to learn how to fucking treat people." Chris said he liked me though. I started to get the idea behind what was going on. They were picking out the plastics and raping girls that had been cruel to either the guys present or Chris. I assume Chris. I could have been wrong. All of which I told the prosecutors.
Ill break off here. My head is hurting now and my hands are shaking.
Clarifications: Christopher was a special needs adult who used to see a professor at FAU while I was in school there. I was a special education major with a minor is studies for the autistic. Mean I wanted to be a special needs teacher. I worked with Chris for a while. He was a sweet heart. A 29 year old with a 7 year old mind set. He was so willing to please and so sweet. So shy. So picked on. I hated seeing others being cruel when he would go to the lunch café or other places. His brother was an engineer major at FAU. I saw him once or twice coming through to get Chris. Never spoke. He seemed sort of withdrawn. Standoffish.
I got an email one week from campus security stating that two girls had been raped in their dorms. We were told to be safe. Yada Yada. You get the drill. I was. I tried to be. Anyway I was going to my car which was like a freaking mile from the damn building. Such is your luck when your always running late due to various job schedule conflicts. I didn't make it to my car. A blue truck came up and a guy just pulled me into the bed of the truck. I was held down and told not to scream. I had a knife to my neck and was freaking out about the speed bumps. Off all fucking things I was messed up over the speed bumps and this sharp blade to my neck. Not where are we going. What the hell is happening. But omg slow down on the bumps please. We stopped after an insane amount of turns and lights. Like an hour in that damn truck or at least it felt like an hour. We got out and they took me into this trailer. My head was everywhere. I started kicking at screaming at that point for some reason. No around even paid it any mind. One of those don't ask don't tell areas where everyone is cool with what happens and no one rats anyone out.
I get inside and it's Christopher. I'm like what the hell. I was insane mad. My thought is what are these thugs going to do to him. I was all of a sudden more worried about Chris. The guy there was pissed because apparently Chris wasn't supposed to know me or something. I was confused. It clicked after several comment. "Your only suppose to pick the bitches and assholes dumb ass" ... "Your only supposed to pick chicks that need to learn how to fucking treat people." Chris said he liked me though. I started to get the idea behind what was going on. They were picking out the plastics and raping girls that had been cruel to either the guys present or Chris. I assume Chris. I could have been wrong. All of which I told the prosecutors.
Ill break off here. My head is hurting now and my hands are shaking.
Replies
I am feeling much better since my last journal entry. I thought however it would be important to explain my situation and why I am so scared now and was previously not so frightened.
I used to receive letters from Chris during his time in jail for his participation. He was very rapidly transferred to another institution as he was not mentally competent to be in the facility he was sent to. I know its weird to stand up for one of your attackers but Chris was honestly as much of a victim as me. He was mislead to believe that what they did was ok and right. His brother did him no favors in this. I couldn\'t however continue to have a friendship with him after what happened. He wrote me from the facility he was sent to and upon his release continued to do so. Recently he stopped sending those letters which has caused me some stress. I shouldn\'t be afraid of him but I am. I am afraid that should he get back into contact with his brother of their friend I would be in danger again. I worry for him and for myself.
I don\'t think I have ever gotten all of this out at once.
Chris\'s older younger brother was the main manipulator in what happened. He controlled what happened right up to the end when he drove me out to the Everglades. He seemed to almost have no soul. Like Chris got all the mushy feelings and sweetness with non of the brains and his brother got this ingenious power to think beyond most human beings capacity. With that he seemed to have no regard for anyone other than his brother. With him getting out of jail I do worry.
I also worry now that this relationship I have started is in some large way related to my fears. I haven\'t wanted to be in a relationship in so long. I am happy though and Randy understands my limited ability to trust. I just hope I am not rushing into this right now.