I Feel So Ashamed

My BF Leon paid me a visit this morning. The last time I heard from him was last week when he told me angrily to snap out of it. When he saw me, I could feel the sadness that washed over him, he told me how much he wanted to see me, how much his heart ache when he was no longer hearing from me. I never realized how much he was feeling my pain, thought he simply abandoned me.He came to my bed propped me up and tucked me underneath his arm, he placed his hands on my chest only to see the shock on his face. He asked me how could I still be living at the rate my heart was going. I simply told him that I don't know but I expressed to him how much I would want this chest pain to disappear.Of course he started telling me about school and how he had finally gotten his degree in science and technology. When I heard the progress he was making, he was interrupted by the low whimpering sounds I was making. I couldn't help it especially when I realized how much everyone was going on with their lives and I was simply in bed playing the role of a bum. I missed the presentations, people telling me how I was gonna be a great historian. I missed it all. Leon started rocking me apologizing to the fact that he was so caught up with himself that he didn't stopped to think that I'm in a delicate moment in my life. In my shaking voice I told him that there was no need to stop his story on my account. If he's happy then he has no reason to hold back for my sake. He rocked me some more until I settled down. During this time my Dad sleeping since he never got a chance to sleep between last night and this morning.Begged Leon if we could remain in this position for a while since I missed being in his arms. He had no obligations since he didn't have any plans for today. While listening to his heartbeat reminding myself how a heart should be, he reached for his pocket, pulling out something I only saw on TV. Something that would prompt my Dad to kill me if he ever saw me with it. I looked up to Leon, wondering to myself if he was serious. I was like, "how or when did you get this." He told me that it was something his friend gave him. He remarked that sometimes when he was studying for his finals that he would smoke some just to feel high which allowed him to ace his test. He figured that maybe this would ease the tension I am under.The idea sounded so irresistible. I mean I've seen people taking this stuff and feeling like a million bucks so I knew Leon wasn't lying at all. I imagined it, no more headache, chest, and back pains. I grew with anticipation when I thought how much the tingling feeling in my bad would subside. He placed one on the table and told me that I could try some whenever I'm ready. We talked some more then he got a call on his phone prompting him to leave. He wanted to give me a kiss but I told him not to since I don't know what would happened if he did. He was very disappointed about it but put on a smile for me just the same.Around 2 hours later my Dad woke up. Told him that Leon paid me a visit and I explained to him how much Leon understood and how he stayed with me for almost the whole morning. My Dad not exactly pleased since he always told me that whenever someone is at the door I should get him to open the door, even if he is sleeping. My Dad came into my room, administering my prozac to me while he explained his plans for today. As he set my drinking glass on my table he saw the "gift" that Leon left for me. He took it up, looked at it and there was silence, during that moment I saw tears running down his face, I didn't realize that I would go through this again. He emphatically ask me why I would accept something like this? Then for the first time in a while I expressed my frustration to him, telling him how much I want to feel better.
Thinking that I was gonna get it, my heart didn't just race it pounded and I started remember the shouting I used to get from him when I was younger. However out of nowhere he started to hug me, hugging me ever so tightly telling me how much he doesn't want to lose me. How much he loved me and reminding and for the first time he expressed how much he missed my mom, the sleepless nights he had waking up in the morning alone in his bed. He told me to promise him that I will never do drugs no matter what and reminded me that despite how long it will take, he's willing to go through it with me. With that he took the strange looking cigarette and threw it down the toilet. When I heard the toilet flush I couldn't help but this how much I probably would have felt better if I had taken it. But everything in life is a process, a lesson that I've just started to learn. Looking back I realized how selfish I was. Never took into consideration the trouble my Dad took into carrying me to the hospitals, therapist, etc. I was willing to risk it with some science experiment that could have thrown all that through the window. He doesn't deserve a person like me for he has done so much for me.