I feel sick

I feel sick.  I'm anxious.  I'm sad.  I'm completely lost.
I just want him to hold me.  I want him to tell me it's ok.  I want him to tell me he is sorry for not letting me go.  I want him to tell me that I handled things right with my response and that I didn't screw up his home.  And I want to break up in a normal way.
But none of this is normal.  It's not normal to be in love with someone else's husband.  When it comes down to it- that is what he is.  
I don't want to love him anymore.  I'm sure part of me always will.  It's been over 10 years.  Nobody was supposed to get hurt.  Nobody but me.
I was supposed to get that job.  I was supposed to move across the country so that this would not happen.  It was supposed to end naturally- so that it would be less traumatic for both of us.  How delusional I was.
Did she tell him what I said?  Did she try to trick him into confessing and tell him that I admitted something?  I want him to know why I responded.  I'm sure he would tell me not to respond- but if I didn't.....it would have been worse.  As a woman I know it would have been worse.  
He said before that he would explain in a few days- but that was before she contacted me.  It's been a few days.  I haven't heard anything.  
God I feel pathetic.