I feel selfish...

I am having a really hard time deciding the right path for me in my relationship.  As I analyze the reasons why I am unhappy and the decision to move on, I feel selfish. 
This man's need for love and affection is so overwhelming that I feel like I am suffocating when I spend time with him now.  He needs the intimacy every moment we are together, whether my daughter is in the room or not.  He needs to be told that he is loved, and vice versa (that he loves me) everytime we talk, every text, every phone call, every FB comment, it has to have those three words and a few other mushy gushy words too.  I dont like it anymore.  We can say I love you after a phone conversation, and in a text message, but it doesnt have to be in every message as we communicate back and forth.  I feel selfish, because he gets upset and his feelings hurt when I forget to tell him I love him or if I tell him its too much. Every moment we are together we have to be touching in some form.  I feel like I am being cold and heartless and inconsiderate to not want this, when I feel maybe I should be grateful that there is someone who is loving and caring about me, and tries not to do anything that will hurt my feelings though he isnt always successful.  When he knows something has bothered me, he does what he can to fix it, and I am grateful and see what he does, but I feel suffocated, and feel this 4 year relationship is going no where.
I also feel selfish because I dont want to be with him anymore when I know he will never be able to provide for my daughter or me.  He lives in a house that is paid for, and doesnt pay the expenses, such as cable, phone, and power.  The only thing he pays for is his food, and gas, and credit card bills.  I dont ever see him stepping up to be a provider, is it selfish and petty of me to want a provider?  I mean, I have a career, and I work hard at it, and bring home a paycheck, I will still do this, but I dont want to be with a partner who cant be a provider too.  I feel if this would ever make it to a union (and it wont because while he says he wants to marry me, he cant buy a ring and doesnt have a decent house for us to live in)  Is it selfish and petty of me to want someone who can meet me in the middle when it comes to supporting a family???
I dont want to do it, I dont want to be in this relationship anymore.  I am not happy, but in my heart of hearts I feel like I am being the selfish petty person to want more for myself.  Why do I feel like I need to sacrifice my happiness to be with someone who loves me and cares about me, but has needs that are overwhelming, and cant be a provider?  Why do I feel like the petty jerk who is being the bad person because I want to call it quits after being in a four year relationship that has not gone anywhere, and will not go anywhere... I am in tears now, I dont want to do it anymore.  Please tell me I am not wrong in this, because I feel like I am wrong.  But why does it feel so wrong to be with him, when am I not happy anymore.  Is it okay to move one when you feel like there is just nothing there, is it ok to go?  Why do I feel like I am doing something wrong and being selfish?

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

There are all kinds of people in the world and their psychology is as unique as their personalities. We can feel comfortable and happy with many of the types of people that are out there, and there are also many others that we can\'t. There are cruel, emotionally unavailable, liars, cheats, mentally disabled,..and very needy types...and, oh the list goes on and on. When we are looking for a \'life partner\' our job is not easy, but it is to find that one person who \'fits\' us like...a glove! Someone who we can be totally ourselves, happy and joyful, and because of this great fit, it\'s very easy to give love back - two fold.
Sweety. This man is not for you. That sick feeling you get in your stomach is every one of your instincts assuring you ~ he is not. We have a HUGE responsibility to ourselves ~ first and foremost. It is not called \'selfish\' it is called self-love. We can be givers, and kind, and loving, and sweet, and compromising...but self-love guides us to what we need in life. It\'s beautiful and it\'s our only guide to find peace and the environment of love that we deserve :O)
I know you are processing this situation deeply and I know it\'s very difficult to go through the steps that your spirit is dragging you through..but this is meant to be. You are meant to be here..seeing things as they are....debating within yourself...checking yourself...simply so you can move through this journey to another possibility and the destiny of what awaits you ~ without this man.
He will find a woman who easily, happily fullfills his deep-seeded need for constant attention, or his fate may be to learn that nobody can fullfill his deep void. He may have need counselling,..he may need a hard fall..It\'s his lesson..his life and his choice.
Your choice is simply to one day make the final decision that you have paid your dues and now it\'s time for your happiness.
((long hug))
deleted_user
deleted_user

Please do me a favor? Stop beating yourself up for having standards? Stop beating yourself up for having a feeling in your gut that tells you this will not work? Stop saying that your selfish for wanting what you want, and needing what you need. Stop saying your selfish for wanting the best possible future for you daughter and you.... THAT IS NOT SELFISH, THAT IS SMART.

If it feels like he\'s suffocating you then HE IS. Why are you denying those feelings and beating yourself up for having them? Just because he says those \"I love you\'s\" doesn\'t mean he means it; I might even venture to guess it feels more like manipulation than love. Don\'t get me wrong, in his mind he might have convinced himself he means it, but your gut instincts are telling you something different - TRUST THAT! Trust that before you get too deep into this and it gets really messy.

Do what you need to do for you... that\'s self love and wanting the best for your child. Not a damn thing wrong with that - ever! Him, in not so many words, demanding your constant attention isn\'t healthy, and it feels wrong for a reason. Perhaps there\'s motive on his part here. Along with that, he may be feeling you detach so he\'s holding on for dear life instead letting you further your independence.

Most abusers fear their partners independence. Why? Because you might catch on to their clever manipulations and kick them to the curb. Perhaps, this suffocating feeling is all about that sort of manipulation and that\'s why it doesn\'t feel good or right.

Remember, whenever you take charge of your life, and do what you need to do, there will always be people standing in line to keep you in line for their own benefit. That\'s a telling sign that you\'re right on track and doing the right thing for you.

So, NO, you\'re not wrong for wanting what you want; you\'re not selfish for setting standards for you, and your daughter\'s life. That\'s called being responsible, rational, and making good choices. Not a damn thing wrong with that!