I feel like I should have known better
I feel as if my world is crumbling down around one of the worst things to ever happen to me.
My life has been so hard and the only thing that has kept me going is that I know it could have been worse. I'm a product of a one night stands and one night stands have never been the promise for lasting relationships. Not only was I the product of a one night stand, but also and affair. My mom had an affair and my step dad knew I wasn't his child because he was incarcerated during my conception. He was released from his two year sentence early after serving only a year, to find my mom very much so prego with me. I had issues with that because I was different from my brothers and sisters. I wasn't "his" child and when he was drunk, he let me know it. When I was 6 years old my stepdad went on a drunken tirade in which he singled me out as his way to release his frustrations. He picked me up and threw me at the wall. Repeatedly. My mom grabbed me and my brother and ran to my aunt's house across the yard. My stepdad followed us with a butcher knife. he stabbed me in my hand and I ran to hide as the blood pooled in my palm. I could see from my hiding spot and watched him stab my mother and brother. The cops are the ones who pulled him off of her.
I got stitches in my palm, middle finger, and index finger. I went through therapy and I have some feeling in all my fingers on my left hand although I never regained the ability to bend my index finger.
My mom blamed me for my stepdad being sent to prision. I tried extra hard to gain the love and approval I would never get. I hated her for not loving me. I hated my stepdad for hurting me. I hated my real dad because I didn't know who he was.
I met my real dad when I was 11. We spoke on and off for two more years then my mom kicked me out and I was forced to live with him. I hated my dad for abandoning me and I didn't want anything to do with him or anyone else for that matter. I was so full of hate and anger.
Growing up I had self esteem issues that seem to follow me into my teenage years. In one ear I had my mom telling me how ugly I was and in the other ear I had random teenage boys telling me I was a beauty. My perception of me was a mess.
What does every girl with low self esteem and a missing father do with her life? Run to boys. More trouble :(
My life has been so hard and the only thing that has kept me going is that I know it could have been worse. I'm a product of a one night stands and one night stands have never been the promise for lasting relationships. Not only was I the product of a one night stand, but also and affair. My mom had an affair and my step dad knew I wasn't his child because he was incarcerated during my conception. He was released from his two year sentence early after serving only a year, to find my mom very much so prego with me. I had issues with that because I was different from my brothers and sisters. I wasn't "his" child and when he was drunk, he let me know it. When I was 6 years old my stepdad went on a drunken tirade in which he singled me out as his way to release his frustrations. He picked me up and threw me at the wall. Repeatedly. My mom grabbed me and my brother and ran to my aunt's house across the yard. My stepdad followed us with a butcher knife. he stabbed me in my hand and I ran to hide as the blood pooled in my palm. I could see from my hiding spot and watched him stab my mother and brother. The cops are the ones who pulled him off of her.
I got stitches in my palm, middle finger, and index finger. I went through therapy and I have some feeling in all my fingers on my left hand although I never regained the ability to bend my index finger.
My mom blamed me for my stepdad being sent to prision. I tried extra hard to gain the love and approval I would never get. I hated her for not loving me. I hated my stepdad for hurting me. I hated my real dad because I didn't know who he was.
I met my real dad when I was 11. We spoke on and off for two more years then my mom kicked me out and I was forced to live with him. I hated my dad for abandoning me and I didn't want anything to do with him or anyone else for that matter. I was so full of hate and anger.
Growing up I had self esteem issues that seem to follow me into my teenage years. In one ear I had my mom telling me how ugly I was and in the other ear I had random teenage boys telling me I was a beauty. My perception of me was a mess.
What does every girl with low self esteem and a missing father do with her life? Run to boys. More trouble :(
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