I feel like I am loosing my sanity
All of you have been so good with me and inspiring, I find myself stuck in a visious cycle, round and round of mental frustration and repatition. I go to groups, I go to counseling, I clean the house, I work out or go for walks, I talk to friends. I cry! I seem to be even more concentrated on her being gone,how it happened , the denial of its been going on for some time her substance abuse, her mind, her mental frame of mind and her hate trid of me... the one who saved her life. I dont want a reward, or anything like that, its hard to to be the target of hate rid. and the thought of her making new friends and a new life with lies and slamming me as the one to blame for all. ditching her real family and husband as if we never existied. Just hurt so f ing much. I have been consumed. I have to respond to her emails on property division, and it just messes me up, when I think I am doing good and moving foward, getting my son secure and getting both of us in a positive direction, I get a situation, court, email, notice etc that I tailspin out.
I do look back at what has happened and its alot to obsorb, I am feeling lonely, missing what was my best friend for 20 years! it just breaks my heart.
I came home last night , back from my domestic class, (plea bargin) No contests, that way I do not risk costody. I did not do what she said i did,,yet for 26 weeks I am reminded weekly. I am making the most of the class and so I look at the positive of it. I come home , check my email and WAM, I get a email of threats over a refridge. the one that is on her list is not the one she wants and unless she gets it...she will drag this out... signed your soon to be x wife. First I do not care about the refride, but this is an example of what she does.. if I say here have it she gets her way and then she thinks what else can I get. It will go on and on. I fowardit to the attorney, wrote her back " this is what you picke in court" if there are issues contact ,my attorney.
After that I balled and balled, her cruelness of wanting me to pay.. be hurt, feel the pain.. to distroy me... I do not get it. I provided for her, cleaned up her messes, loved her, saved her life... and she wants me to feel pain?????
One of the things that hurts the most..... she does not mention her son..... NOTHING! from someone who in the past was one of the greatest mothers, who loved her kids and would do anything for them...NOTHING
I do look back at what has happened and its alot to obsorb, I am feeling lonely, missing what was my best friend for 20 years! it just breaks my heart.
I came home last night , back from my domestic class, (plea bargin) No contests, that way I do not risk costody. I did not do what she said i did,,yet for 26 weeks I am reminded weekly. I am making the most of the class and so I look at the positive of it. I come home , check my email and WAM, I get a email of threats over a refridge. the one that is on her list is not the one she wants and unless she gets it...she will drag this out... signed your soon to be x wife. First I do not care about the refride, but this is an example of what she does.. if I say here have it she gets her way and then she thinks what else can I get. It will go on and on. I fowardit to the attorney, wrote her back " this is what you picke in court" if there are issues contact ,my attorney.
After that I balled and balled, her cruelness of wanting me to pay.. be hurt, feel the pain.. to distroy me... I do not get it. I provided for her, cleaned up her messes, loved her, saved her life... and she wants me to feel pain?????
One of the things that hurts the most..... she does not mention her son..... NOTHING! from someone who in the past was one of the greatest mothers, who loved her kids and would do anything for them...NOTHING
Replies
Go to this link: http://www.sedonatalkradio.com/dispelling-the-myths-with-kaleah. She\'s pretty spot on, and I am still listening to her to this day.
Kaleah has helped me understand the dynamics of a narcissitic relationship and listen some of the archived episodes.
I know that it doesn\'t feel like it right now, but you are on a journey of awaking - you may not have wanted it, but your soul does and your not alone... I hope this helps a little. Cry, allow the feelings...they are there for a reason.
what was the website, i tried the link it di not go through, thx
The link didn\'t \"work\" for me either -- it says page not found or moved. Send KRKing911 a private message asking her to check it out and resend or repost it. I\'m sure it is a helpful website or she wouldn\'t have posted it here and I am always interested in reading more about this kind of stuff.
{{HUGS}} Tears = a natural release valve. I find that having a good cry allows me to move forward afterward...
I\'m not sure I can say the right words... but here goes. Alcohol reminds me of the old Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde movies. It\'s a substance that changes people, brings out their inner evil, takes over people, and destroys people. When you look the similarities, it completely fits with the movie theme. You know you\'ve seen it yourself... the beautiful person she was isn\'t anymore because of a drink or a drug...
That being said... my way of getting through the grief was to separate the two beings. My X was also the good Dr. Jekyll before the alcohol changed him... VERY kind, gentle, had the same beliefs I did, loved everyone and everything. He was my soulmate. (I still cry even as I\'m typing this) When the alcohol took over, Mr. Hyde was really good at hiding his true self at first. Over time, he cared less and less about how much he hurt. Eventually the Mr. Hyde took over completely.... that\'s when the assault happened, when he started poisoning me... During the divorce, Mr. Hyde went out of his way to hurt.... I did what I\'ve always done with my family from hell... leaned on MY inner morals, inner beliefs, treated it like a war with intricate little battles (the art of negotiation) and got through it.
I literally mourned for the good Dr. Jekyll all last year. I mentally treated the situation as if the Good him had literally died. It was the reason I kept out the photos of our 2nd honeymoon a few years ago. Wonderful memories. I\'ll always love the Good him. But the good him is gone... never coming back.... despite little glimmers of hope I hold. But I know, those glimmers are just an illusion...
Mr. Hyde. I wouldn\'t even go on a first date with him. Don\'t want to see him, don\'t want to talk to him. A completely different person. A HORRIBLE person. Reminding myself of that allows me to LET GO.
Keeping the two personalities separate in your mind allows grieving to move faster, smoother. Have a private funeral for yourself. During the one I did, I wrote my X a letter about how much I felt, burned it in an ashtray, let the emotions float away in the smoke. It really helped.
Dealing with Mr. Hyde during the divorce... most of the time the stuff my X demanded was to make it hurt. It only hurts if you let it. So I negotiated EVERYTHING. Offered to replace things with something else if I really wanted something, or acted like I didn\'t want something if I knew he didn\'t want it either. For example, he wanted my puppy.... knowing it would HURT. I KNEW that\'s what he was doing... so I offered joint custody. I said he could have them during the weekdays, I\'d then have them during the weekends. My only concern was that he would stick them in the shelter if he agreed, so I was prepared to put some kind of stipulation about that in the papers - all of a sudden he freaked and said he couldn\'t take them. (Really? DUH.) Just be SURE you can live with the compromises you\'ll make.
I hope this helps... {{HUGS}}
Try this link, it should work.
http://sedonatalkradio.com/dispelling-the-myths-with-kaleah
Good luck with it.