I feel like crap

I had an o.k day, I guess I must still have been in shock, because this afternoon I feel like I just want to curl into a little ball and just cry. I was cooking in the kitchen and suddenly I realised what had happened. I may never ever be a mother and it almost took my breath away.
All this thoughts run through my head at the same time, my anger at this stupid unexplained infertility, all the money wasted, the treatment, the hopes dashed and most of all the injustice that my child died when Lara's is still alive and growing in her womb...
I'm sure this makes me a terrible person, but I was so jealous, I was furious, I wanted to scream at God and demand that things are made right... and then I realised there is nothing I can do, I am powerless.
I see so little point in all of this, my life I mean, what is the  point of it? I wont be leaving any legacies that really matter... I mean, who cares about research, which is all I have to offer... its not like I am curing cancer am I.
So I sit here at my computer, looking out at the night and wondering why do I bother? and why is it that my life got so twisted? this was not ever meant to happen, I was meant to be one of the lucky ones, I mean pregnant on first IVF, what were the chances of that!but then, my baby died, the second embrio didn't attach and  the third didn't even make it through the thaw... I guess the universe is trying to tell me something... GIVE IT UP!
There is no more money for IVF, there is no hope for the future, there are just endless years of waiting, waiting till I can finally rest from this nightmare I call life. 

Replies

Cate09
Cate09

I hate to hear this :( Your life has a point...just think of all the people who would be devastated if you were not here. You are not as terrible person you have just been dealt the crappiest hand of cards!! I know now is time to grieve but I think if you pick yourself up and take the power back into your own hands good things will happen. Please take time to talk to someone you really respect and trust. This journey is so tough and for me I try to always remind myself I am alive and healthy....so many don\'t have that. I know that is no consolation right now....
I hate to bring this up but is there anyway you can try another round of IVF?? You have a few good years left for that. My doc told me if you achieve a pregnancy from your 1st IVF....even if you miscarry....your chances of eventually getting a live birth are extremely high. I really think you just had crap luck with this round :( Sorry if this was out of line for me to ask.
I will say extra prayers for you. Pls talk if you ever need too...xo
baby2011
baby2011

Am so sorry to hear this Lina. Nothing is easy in this life. we are all working hard in this life in order to get what we want. Donot lose hope. Miracles can happen. U never know. You might get pregnant naturally. I did 4 IVF cycles but no success. but i will keep trying either naturally or by IVF til i get the gift of life that God will give us all. God is great and will never forget about us.
i know it is not easy to forget about it but try your best not to think about it.
We are all here to help and listen to each other. Feel free to let it out whenever u feel angry. Hope u will have a better day tomorrow. Smile and enjoy your weekend :-).
deleted_user
deleted_user

YOU are an amazing woman. I am a 23 year old who became pregnant by her fiance who then completely forgot about her, I lost my child while he was gone ... and YOU were one of the first people to give me a hope. I found this site THREE months after my m/c ... three months of feeling absolute death upon my heart. And when I found this site you were one of the first women to reach out, show me that I am not alone through this journey ... So here you are Lina. You are NOT alone. You have so many gifts; you can love a child you never held, you can comfort a man who may feel he\'s failed his wife, you can reach out and touch a complete stranger\'s life ... my life.

I too, struggle with this desire to be here on earth, to look at my empty arms and want to just lay down ... be with my child. But there are SO many things to accomplish. No, things have NOT gone at all how you planned or would plan .. but you are here. Still here. And there is a reason. I don\'t know the why\'s and how\'s of what\'s been allowed to happen in your life ... I don\'t. I won\'t pretend to. But I know I\'m just a young woman who loves you. Loves this STRONG and ENDURING woman I\'ve never met. And I thank you and think of you so often as I go through my own life.
Please know you are loved. By so many. Including me.