I feel like crap

I had an o.k day, I guess I must still have been in shock, because this afternoon I feel like I just want to curl into a little ball and just cry. I was cooking in the kitchen and suddenly I realised what had happened. I may never ever be a mother and it almost took my breath away.
All this thoughts run through my head at the same time, my anger at this stupid unexplained infertility, all the money wasted, the treatment, the hopes dashed and most of all the injustice that my child died when Lara's is still alive and growing in her womb...
I'm sure this makes me a terrible person, but I was so jealous, I was furious, I wanted to scream at God and demand that things are made right... and then I realised there is nothing I can do, I am powerless.
I see so little point in all of this, my life I mean, what is the  point of it? I wont be leaving any legacies that really matter... I mean, who cares about research, which is all I have to offer... its not like I am curing cancer am I.
So I sit here at my computer, looking out at the night and wondering why do I bother? and why is it that my life got so twisted? this was not ever meant to happen, I was meant to be one of the lucky ones, I mean pregnant on first IVF, what were the chances of that!but then, my baby died, the second embrio didn't attach and  the third didn't even make it through the thaw... I guess the universe is trying to tell me something... GIVE IT UP!
There is no more money for IVF, there is no hope for the future, there are just endless years of waiting, waiting till I can finally rest from this nightmare I call life.