I Feel Bad I Lied Today
I lied today and I feel bad. I’m not one to lie. She called me in and I was sitting in another place in the waiting room – across from where I usually sit. She glanced to see there was someone there already where I usually sit. I came in and I said how it’s March – yeah! Hopefully it’ll be warming up soon but it’s still cold outside. She glanced and said I still have my boots on. She asked me if that bag I had was for her drawer. Yes. I gave it to her and she put it inside.
She told me she ran an errand this morning and she heard on NPR radio, around 10:30 AM, they were talking about infectious diseases. Some man called in that he had, when he was little, encephalitis. He’s 50 now. She said that 1/3 died, 1/3 have bad effects and 1/3 are OK. He was in a coma. They talked about long term effects such at depression, OCD and such. But nothing about bladder problems but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. We figured out that I was in the 3rd group – OK. I don’t think I had any of those long term effects they talked about. She also said something about side effects of strep but I can’t remember what. So she wrote down on a little sticky note when and what it was on to try to look up. She thought it was on the Diane Rehm Show. Once before I did look something up and found it.
She asked me how I did after last week. Did it stay with me? Yes. She wanted to know how long. For a while. Into the next day? Off & on all weekend. She looked like ‘Oh’ like it’s a shame it lasted that long. Very empathetic. She asked me about any images that stuck with me. I think I alluded there was but didn’t talk about it. Something I remember her saying about not if it involves shame – I shouldn’t have shame. And about this being hard for me. Yes. I told her I want to go walk around outside when I don’t have to go to the bathroom. I can do this! She asked me if I wanted to go now. I wasn’t sure and we talked a little longer. I told her we can see if that food is still out there. Yes. I did tell her I went back to look after and thought some was gone then, too. She thought that was really good I did that. I did last time, too. Then in a bit I thought about it and told her no – I want to do it when I do have to go. I can do this a lot longer (wait longer) than I’ve been doing it. She commented that I’m really determined to undo what happened. Yes.
She asked me how many times I wanted to go around – or we can walk down the halls in the building. No – I wanted to go outside. Guess she wanted to stay close. I told her I’m not sure how many times. I glanced at the clock trying to figure out in time but didn’t. She said we need to make this a success. We need to be able to make it back inside. I nodded. She asked me which bathroom I wanted to use – downstairs or come upstairs. I said I didn’t know, we’ll see. She knows how I wanted to do this. So we talked about something else. I can’t remember what. In about 5-10 minutes I got scared I wouldn’t be able to do this when I didn’t really have to go so I told her I want to go out walking now. She thought I needed to go. “Should we take your bag?” I nodded yes just playing along not wanted to let on I knew we didn’t need it. Well … unless all of a sudden I needed to go either physically or psychologically.
So we both got up. She got my bag out and I followed her into the hallway where she took her, what looked to be new, slicky black lightweight, just above the knee, trench coat and cream scarf out of the closet. She gave me the bag to hold and we walked out. She put her coat and scarf on when we got out the waiting room door before we walked down the stairs. After she had it on I gave the bag back to her to hold. We walked down the stairs and she lagged behind me this time. In fact I had to pause a few seconds at the bottom to wait for her. I don’t know why she was walking so slowly or was she looking at something? We had been talking about how it’s still cold out but I said this weekend it’s supposed to warm up to the 50’s.
We walked outside – me first – holding the door for her just behind me. The first thing I said was wondering if any food was left there. I said we’ll take bets – what does she think. I can’t remember what she said but before I knew it we were over there and she was making this an exciting thing to see. I said maybe the harder chunks (it was granola) were still there that the birds couldn’t get it. So we looked and nothing was there. She said something to the fact how nature it. I said it may not have just been birds. It could have been squirrels or any other animals.
So we walked on around the circle. She asked me about this weekend and what we did for the holiday. I told her Saturday night and how I didn’t think my daughter really wanted to go. But it was fine. Of course both kids wanted to sit next to me so I was in the middle. And they ended up both sitting on my lap – one on each leg. And the next day we went to another place and the kids got to ride a pony for the first time. She asked if they were scared. No, not at all. We must have walked around 2 times and she said we should go back. No, I was fine. We walked around again and she asked. I again told her no, I’m fine. She kept the circle pretty tight those times and was walking very quickly with her leading. Not sure why. I just followed along her pace and space. But the last time she seemed to make the circle a little bigger and maybe walked a little slower. Maybe she figured out then I really didn’t need to go. Or, maybe it was in my imagination. By the time we were done with that one she said we were going in. I didn’t fight her by then. I didn’t want to push it or have to start having to go.
I’m thinking she knew something because she didn’t ask me which bathroom I wanted to use – downstairs or upstairs. We just walked upstairs. I asked her if she watched the Olympics. She said yes but not all of it. I asked her what her favorite was. She said skating and ice dancing. Yeah. I asked her if she watched the closing ceremonies. No, and by then we were back into her office waiting room. I went in first and went right into the bathroom while she hung her coat up. We met back in her office. She asked me how that was. Good – see I can do it. She said I seemed very calm and asked me why I thought I was able to do that. I just was. She smiled but I didn’t say a thing. She knew. I know she did but she didn’t say a word. I guess she was waiting for me to tell her I had been lying. I didn’t and she didn’t push it. Once before I did that when we walked over to the store. When we got back I told her I’m a bad liar. She understood why I did that. I wanted a success so badly. She didn’t get mad that time and I’m hoping if she knows she’s not mad now. So I quickly switched the subject to something else.
I told her about yesterday. How my granddaughter won’t leave me alone. She follows me everywhere and hugs and kisses me all the time. Almost smothering. She wanted to watch Annie and the hockey game was on. Did she watch? It was on and her husband was watching. Well, USA scored and it went longer. I didn’t want to wait and watch Annie with her. I went downstairs. In about 10 minutes my daughter came down, “Mom….” So I was doing stuff and she looked at yearbooks. I just had to get away.
Also, I was feeling bad yesterday – physically. She looked like, ‘Oh’ but didn’t ask how. I told her that the phone rang and it was my husband’s company. He’s not on call but there was some production problem. He was in the middle of cooking and my daughter and I took over. But he was so crabby and so mean to us. We needed direction and he yelled at us so much. He’s never made this before. Plus after an incident that happened he did the same. And I didn’t need that then. She asked me if it was the same day. Yes, earlier. She asked me if I had an accident. Yes, but I didn’t want to talk about it. She said I have the right not to but tried a little to encourage me to.
I only said it was at that place with a women’s and men’s bathroom. 2 stalls and when I got in there was a mom saying both her kids were in each. So she asked me if I had to wait or really, what did I do? I again said I didn’t want to talk about it. She said again that I have that right but it looks like it’s still bothering me and I should talk about it. No. Maybe this is when she said the shame thing above – I can’t remember. Or maybe when she said how hard this is. I can’t remember that either. She didn’t push. She did know I had an accident, though. I said how it was after and my husband was mad tying my grandson’s shoes like he thought he should have been doing it. And, he jumped at me. He didn’t know what happened though. She asked if that set me off for the rest of the day. Yes, I guess so.
Anyway he moved from the dining room table to the coffee table because we had too many people to eat in the kitchen. We finished cooking, went to eat and I even offered him a plate. No – he’ll get it later. So we ate and he then came. The kids did hang around longer and I think it was respectful they did that to wait for my husband because he came later. But then I got up and started clearing things. I asked for help. My daughter did but said she shouldn’t have to because she cooked. Well, so did I. My son took off maybe to the grocery store (S). We did get everything cleared and most of it done and then later my husband did the rest. But he did apologize for how he was acting. She seemed surprised, and at the same time, glad he did apologize.
Not wanting to talk about accidents or my little lying thing I changed the subject to the exposure we did last time. I told her I think I did good. She agreed and said how hard that was for me. The only thing I couldn’t do was look while I put it in the toilet. I said that I couldn’t believe how long she stared at it. I could only look at couple seconds at a time and I’d look away and look at her a few times and she was still staring. She smiled. I told her I bought another can of vegetable soup to do it again. And I told her that I did think, but really didn’t want to because I don’t want it to happen, “Bring it on. I’m ready.” But no, not really. I don’t want anything to happen. She seemed to think that was good, too.
We talked a little about it. I told her my brother-in-law’s stepdaughter is on my Facebook and she said how sick she was. How she, or others, had to go to the ER to get fluids and how she’s glad she’s now stopped throwing up and she never gets sick. And others saying there’s something going around. She asked me how that made me feel. Scared. I’ve been around a lot of people this whole weekend. She asked me if I’m scared of catching something or throwing up. Both. I get sick, colds and things from time to time, and I do always worry. But I’m so afraid of throwing up.
She tried to relate it to when I had encephalitis and being so sick. I said I was too little to remember being that sick. And, I don’t think I was horribly sick. I remember that chalkboard, the orange juice, the concerns of my Mom and the other people around me. I was too little to remember being sick. But I remember very clearly my Mom’s reactions. Especially I remember when I got home from the hospital one time and as soon as I got inside threw up. She asked me how old I was. Maybe 4. Then we talked about my eye surgery, something with my walking like a snake but I have not scars from surgery and another time I was in the hospital over Christmas for pneumonia or bronchitis. The encephalitis at age 2 ½ and the hospitalizations probably ages 3 and 4. And then when I was in at age 7 going to be 8. She asked me for the psychological. Yes. I wanted to say again psychological for my Mom but I didn’t. We’ve been through that.
During this I needed to go to the bathroom again. I didn’t want to say anything since I just went not that long ago and I wanted her to believe I could wait a long time by us walking outside a while. I wanted to be able to just wait until the end. I kept glancing at the clock by her hoping the hands would move quickly but they weren’t. I think it was about 10 minutes till or maybe a little before when I needed to go. I don’t know if she saw me glancing or not. Maybe not. Finally, when I knew I couldn’t wait until the end – probably within 5 minutes – I gave in and said pretty urgently, “I have to go to the bathroom,” she nodded as I got up and went.
I got back and she didn’t say anything. Another one of those quiet uncomfortable moments for a few seconds. Then I told her my son fully moved in this weekend to get things going again. She asked me if I have mixed feelings about that. Yes. I said he did a little of what my youngest does with the truck rental. She was surprised. I had to hurry up and call around and get something for him. Another one of those uncomfortable pauses. Then she thought of something. About an HBO movie (Temple Grandin) she saw this weekend with a friend. It was on a couple weeks ago but her friend taped it and they watched it. It was about an autistic person working through all her obstacles to get her PhD. Her point was what you can do even if you have things in the way.
We had been talking about that earlier. It was either just before or after I went to the bathroom. I think before. How I want to get a job. How I hate being at home and I’m in the wrong family. I like to joke around and have fun and my husband doesn’t. My daughter does a little. I told her about the ‘ghost’ in the house taking my camera and taking moon pictures. It was my son but my daughter and I even laughed about it today. I took my grandson to school today and they come over early for breakfast and we got to talk. The only other time we talk is when she calls me wanting to talk about something going on. She said that was good we had that time together today. Yes.
Anyway, I hate being by myself all day. Then my husband comes home and I still am. She asked me if I missed my family. Yes. “Those voices!” she commented and chuckled. I said that one lady is not my relative. She even said my Uncle’s voice. She said some people who work 40 hours a week want to come home and just chill. But I’m a people person and I’m not like that. I like to do things and travel and such. And I like people so that’s what I need to do. Yes, and then we talked about getting a job. She asked if I looked. I looked at the paper this weekend – nothing. And a site but most people want full time and I want part time. But there are obstacles in the way. She said that I’m ready. I am right on that edge to do something and I’m so ready. I listened. I’m not so sure I’m as ready as she thinks I am. I said I’m afraid I’ll get something and not like it and say no like I did 2-3 times last time I tried to get a job. I hear horror stories about people and how they don’t like their jobs or the people. I think she said there will always be people.
I asked her if her son was effected by the Chili earthquake. No, he’s in Guatemala. I said how in Hawaii they had to go to higher ground, no bathrooms. That’s the first thing I think of. She only smiled. I said how I texted my son out west and knew he was going to northern that day. I texted him to stay away from the coast. Last time he went across the bridge and maybe to the ocean. She said I’m very vigilant. I asked if that meant on top of things. Yes. I told her especially when it comes to my kids. And especially with him because he knows nothing of what’s going on in the outside would. I haven’t heard back from him.
Anyway not much more to say and I really wasn’t feeling like myself. I didn’t say. I was more quiet at times – not all the times – but basically was. I hope she doesn’t think I’m always like this – I’m not. I feel badly I lied. That I had to resort to not only prove to myself but to prove to her that I can wait a long time. That I can keep calm. But it was all fake and I know it. Does she know it? Not sure. I’m thinking yes and she just either didn’t want to say or was waiting for me to admit it. This time I didn’t. I wonder if she’ll say anything about it next time or whenever. Or if I’ll confess. I really do feel bad for lying. It’s not like me. But I want this problem gone. I want to be like that to be able to just go walking when I need to go and not have a care about it. And keep calm about it so it doesn’t get worse. I want to be like that so badly. But I know that lying doesn’t help me get there any faster. It’s just a great wish.
After I left I had to wait out in the hallway for my massage therapist because she was with that older lady my therapist sees next with her husband. It was a minute or two (longer than I expected after I left) and my therapist came out. She had to pass me in the hallway and I told her she said it’ll be a minute – just to wait. She proceeded into the waiting area and got Phil while they waited for Ruth who just in a few seconds came out from the massage therapist and I scooted in. Funny I have the same names in my family – married.
My massage therapist told me she screamed in her sleep this weekend with a bad dream. I told her I’ve done that. And I used to talk in my sleep my friend, she used to tell me but I don’t know if I do that anymore. And that my Aunt who once slept next to me in the other twin bed screamed in her sleep. Luckily she warned us. But did I tell her what else I sometimes do in my sleep? No – never! Why should anyone ever have to know?
She told me she ran an errand this morning and she heard on NPR radio, around 10:30 AM, they were talking about infectious diseases. Some man called in that he had, when he was little, encephalitis. He’s 50 now. She said that 1/3 died, 1/3 have bad effects and 1/3 are OK. He was in a coma. They talked about long term effects such at depression, OCD and such. But nothing about bladder problems but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. We figured out that I was in the 3rd group – OK. I don’t think I had any of those long term effects they talked about. She also said something about side effects of strep but I can’t remember what. So she wrote down on a little sticky note when and what it was on to try to look up. She thought it was on the Diane Rehm Show. Once before I did look something up and found it.
She asked me how I did after last week. Did it stay with me? Yes. She wanted to know how long. For a while. Into the next day? Off & on all weekend. She looked like ‘Oh’ like it’s a shame it lasted that long. Very empathetic. She asked me about any images that stuck with me. I think I alluded there was but didn’t talk about it. Something I remember her saying about not if it involves shame – I shouldn’t have shame. And about this being hard for me. Yes. I told her I want to go walk around outside when I don’t have to go to the bathroom. I can do this! She asked me if I wanted to go now. I wasn’t sure and we talked a little longer. I told her we can see if that food is still out there. Yes. I did tell her I went back to look after and thought some was gone then, too. She thought that was really good I did that. I did last time, too. Then in a bit I thought about it and told her no – I want to do it when I do have to go. I can do this a lot longer (wait longer) than I’ve been doing it. She commented that I’m really determined to undo what happened. Yes.
She asked me how many times I wanted to go around – or we can walk down the halls in the building. No – I wanted to go outside. Guess she wanted to stay close. I told her I’m not sure how many times. I glanced at the clock trying to figure out in time but didn’t. She said we need to make this a success. We need to be able to make it back inside. I nodded. She asked me which bathroom I wanted to use – downstairs or come upstairs. I said I didn’t know, we’ll see. She knows how I wanted to do this. So we talked about something else. I can’t remember what. In about 5-10 minutes I got scared I wouldn’t be able to do this when I didn’t really have to go so I told her I want to go out walking now. She thought I needed to go. “Should we take your bag?” I nodded yes just playing along not wanted to let on I knew we didn’t need it. Well … unless all of a sudden I needed to go either physically or psychologically.
So we both got up. She got my bag out and I followed her into the hallway where she took her, what looked to be new, slicky black lightweight, just above the knee, trench coat and cream scarf out of the closet. She gave me the bag to hold and we walked out. She put her coat and scarf on when we got out the waiting room door before we walked down the stairs. After she had it on I gave the bag back to her to hold. We walked down the stairs and she lagged behind me this time. In fact I had to pause a few seconds at the bottom to wait for her. I don’t know why she was walking so slowly or was she looking at something? We had been talking about how it’s still cold out but I said this weekend it’s supposed to warm up to the 50’s.
We walked outside – me first – holding the door for her just behind me. The first thing I said was wondering if any food was left there. I said we’ll take bets – what does she think. I can’t remember what she said but before I knew it we were over there and she was making this an exciting thing to see. I said maybe the harder chunks (it was granola) were still there that the birds couldn’t get it. So we looked and nothing was there. She said something to the fact how nature it. I said it may not have just been birds. It could have been squirrels or any other animals.
So we walked on around the circle. She asked me about this weekend and what we did for the holiday. I told her Saturday night and how I didn’t think my daughter really wanted to go. But it was fine. Of course both kids wanted to sit next to me so I was in the middle. And they ended up both sitting on my lap – one on each leg. And the next day we went to another place and the kids got to ride a pony for the first time. She asked if they were scared. No, not at all. We must have walked around 2 times and she said we should go back. No, I was fine. We walked around again and she asked. I again told her no, I’m fine. She kept the circle pretty tight those times and was walking very quickly with her leading. Not sure why. I just followed along her pace and space. But the last time she seemed to make the circle a little bigger and maybe walked a little slower. Maybe she figured out then I really didn’t need to go. Or, maybe it was in my imagination. By the time we were done with that one she said we were going in. I didn’t fight her by then. I didn’t want to push it or have to start having to go.
I’m thinking she knew something because she didn’t ask me which bathroom I wanted to use – downstairs or upstairs. We just walked upstairs. I asked her if she watched the Olympics. She said yes but not all of it. I asked her what her favorite was. She said skating and ice dancing. Yeah. I asked her if she watched the closing ceremonies. No, and by then we were back into her office waiting room. I went in first and went right into the bathroom while she hung her coat up. We met back in her office. She asked me how that was. Good – see I can do it. She said I seemed very calm and asked me why I thought I was able to do that. I just was. She smiled but I didn’t say a thing. She knew. I know she did but she didn’t say a word. I guess she was waiting for me to tell her I had been lying. I didn’t and she didn’t push it. Once before I did that when we walked over to the store. When we got back I told her I’m a bad liar. She understood why I did that. I wanted a success so badly. She didn’t get mad that time and I’m hoping if she knows she’s not mad now. So I quickly switched the subject to something else.
I told her about yesterday. How my granddaughter won’t leave me alone. She follows me everywhere and hugs and kisses me all the time. Almost smothering. She wanted to watch Annie and the hockey game was on. Did she watch? It was on and her husband was watching. Well, USA scored and it went longer. I didn’t want to wait and watch Annie with her. I went downstairs. In about 10 minutes my daughter came down, “Mom….” So I was doing stuff and she looked at yearbooks. I just had to get away.
Also, I was feeling bad yesterday – physically. She looked like, ‘Oh’ but didn’t ask how. I told her that the phone rang and it was my husband’s company. He’s not on call but there was some production problem. He was in the middle of cooking and my daughter and I took over. But he was so crabby and so mean to us. We needed direction and he yelled at us so much. He’s never made this before. Plus after an incident that happened he did the same. And I didn’t need that then. She asked me if it was the same day. Yes, earlier. She asked me if I had an accident. Yes, but I didn’t want to talk about it. She said I have the right not to but tried a little to encourage me to.
I only said it was at that place with a women’s and men’s bathroom. 2 stalls and when I got in there was a mom saying both her kids were in each. So she asked me if I had to wait or really, what did I do? I again said I didn’t want to talk about it. She said again that I have that right but it looks like it’s still bothering me and I should talk about it. No. Maybe this is when she said the shame thing above – I can’t remember. Or maybe when she said how hard this is. I can’t remember that either. She didn’t push. She did know I had an accident, though. I said how it was after and my husband was mad tying my grandson’s shoes like he thought he should have been doing it. And, he jumped at me. He didn’t know what happened though. She asked if that set me off for the rest of the day. Yes, I guess so.
Anyway he moved from the dining room table to the coffee table because we had too many people to eat in the kitchen. We finished cooking, went to eat and I even offered him a plate. No – he’ll get it later. So we ate and he then came. The kids did hang around longer and I think it was respectful they did that to wait for my husband because he came later. But then I got up and started clearing things. I asked for help. My daughter did but said she shouldn’t have to because she cooked. Well, so did I. My son took off maybe to the grocery store (S). We did get everything cleared and most of it done and then later my husband did the rest. But he did apologize for how he was acting. She seemed surprised, and at the same time, glad he did apologize.
Not wanting to talk about accidents or my little lying thing I changed the subject to the exposure we did last time. I told her I think I did good. She agreed and said how hard that was for me. The only thing I couldn’t do was look while I put it in the toilet. I said that I couldn’t believe how long she stared at it. I could only look at couple seconds at a time and I’d look away and look at her a few times and she was still staring. She smiled. I told her I bought another can of vegetable soup to do it again. And I told her that I did think, but really didn’t want to because I don’t want it to happen, “Bring it on. I’m ready.” But no, not really. I don’t want anything to happen. She seemed to think that was good, too.
We talked a little about it. I told her my brother-in-law’s stepdaughter is on my Facebook and she said how sick she was. How she, or others, had to go to the ER to get fluids and how she’s glad she’s now stopped throwing up and she never gets sick. And others saying there’s something going around. She asked me how that made me feel. Scared. I’ve been around a lot of people this whole weekend. She asked me if I’m scared of catching something or throwing up. Both. I get sick, colds and things from time to time, and I do always worry. But I’m so afraid of throwing up.
She tried to relate it to when I had encephalitis and being so sick. I said I was too little to remember being that sick. And, I don’t think I was horribly sick. I remember that chalkboard, the orange juice, the concerns of my Mom and the other people around me. I was too little to remember being sick. But I remember very clearly my Mom’s reactions. Especially I remember when I got home from the hospital one time and as soon as I got inside threw up. She asked me how old I was. Maybe 4. Then we talked about my eye surgery, something with my walking like a snake but I have not scars from surgery and another time I was in the hospital over Christmas for pneumonia or bronchitis. The encephalitis at age 2 ½ and the hospitalizations probably ages 3 and 4. And then when I was in at age 7 going to be 8. She asked me for the psychological. Yes. I wanted to say again psychological for my Mom but I didn’t. We’ve been through that.
During this I needed to go to the bathroom again. I didn’t want to say anything since I just went not that long ago and I wanted her to believe I could wait a long time by us walking outside a while. I wanted to be able to just wait until the end. I kept glancing at the clock by her hoping the hands would move quickly but they weren’t. I think it was about 10 minutes till or maybe a little before when I needed to go. I don’t know if she saw me glancing or not. Maybe not. Finally, when I knew I couldn’t wait until the end – probably within 5 minutes – I gave in and said pretty urgently, “I have to go to the bathroom,” she nodded as I got up and went.
I got back and she didn’t say anything. Another one of those quiet uncomfortable moments for a few seconds. Then I told her my son fully moved in this weekend to get things going again. She asked me if I have mixed feelings about that. Yes. I said he did a little of what my youngest does with the truck rental. She was surprised. I had to hurry up and call around and get something for him. Another one of those uncomfortable pauses. Then she thought of something. About an HBO movie (Temple Grandin) she saw this weekend with a friend. It was on a couple weeks ago but her friend taped it and they watched it. It was about an autistic person working through all her obstacles to get her PhD. Her point was what you can do even if you have things in the way.
We had been talking about that earlier. It was either just before or after I went to the bathroom. I think before. How I want to get a job. How I hate being at home and I’m in the wrong family. I like to joke around and have fun and my husband doesn’t. My daughter does a little. I told her about the ‘ghost’ in the house taking my camera and taking moon pictures. It was my son but my daughter and I even laughed about it today. I took my grandson to school today and they come over early for breakfast and we got to talk. The only other time we talk is when she calls me wanting to talk about something going on. She said that was good we had that time together today. Yes.
Anyway, I hate being by myself all day. Then my husband comes home and I still am. She asked me if I missed my family. Yes. “Those voices!” she commented and chuckled. I said that one lady is not my relative. She even said my Uncle’s voice. She said some people who work 40 hours a week want to come home and just chill. But I’m a people person and I’m not like that. I like to do things and travel and such. And I like people so that’s what I need to do. Yes, and then we talked about getting a job. She asked if I looked. I looked at the paper this weekend – nothing. And a site but most people want full time and I want part time. But there are obstacles in the way. She said that I’m ready. I am right on that edge to do something and I’m so ready. I listened. I’m not so sure I’m as ready as she thinks I am. I said I’m afraid I’ll get something and not like it and say no like I did 2-3 times last time I tried to get a job. I hear horror stories about people and how they don’t like their jobs or the people. I think she said there will always be people.
I asked her if her son was effected by the Chili earthquake. No, he’s in Guatemala. I said how in Hawaii they had to go to higher ground, no bathrooms. That’s the first thing I think of. She only smiled. I said how I texted my son out west and knew he was going to northern that day. I texted him to stay away from the coast. Last time he went across the bridge and maybe to the ocean. She said I’m very vigilant. I asked if that meant on top of things. Yes. I told her especially when it comes to my kids. And especially with him because he knows nothing of what’s going on in the outside would. I haven’t heard back from him.
Anyway not much more to say and I really wasn’t feeling like myself. I didn’t say. I was more quiet at times – not all the times – but basically was. I hope she doesn’t think I’m always like this – I’m not. I feel badly I lied. That I had to resort to not only prove to myself but to prove to her that I can wait a long time. That I can keep calm. But it was all fake and I know it. Does she know it? Not sure. I’m thinking yes and she just either didn’t want to say or was waiting for me to admit it. This time I didn’t. I wonder if she’ll say anything about it next time or whenever. Or if I’ll confess. I really do feel bad for lying. It’s not like me. But I want this problem gone. I want to be like that to be able to just go walking when I need to go and not have a care about it. And keep calm about it so it doesn’t get worse. I want to be like that so badly. But I know that lying doesn’t help me get there any faster. It’s just a great wish.
After I left I had to wait out in the hallway for my massage therapist because she was with that older lady my therapist sees next with her husband. It was a minute or two (longer than I expected after I left) and my therapist came out. She had to pass me in the hallway and I told her she said it’ll be a minute – just to wait. She proceeded into the waiting area and got Phil while they waited for Ruth who just in a few seconds came out from the massage therapist and I scooted in. Funny I have the same names in my family – married.
My massage therapist told me she screamed in her sleep this weekend with a bad dream. I told her I’ve done that. And I used to talk in my sleep my friend, she used to tell me but I don’t know if I do that anymore. And that my Aunt who once slept next to me in the other twin bed screamed in her sleep. Luckily she warned us. But did I tell her what else I sometimes do in my sleep? No – never! Why should anyone ever have to know?
Replies