I feel abandon!
My husband has been gone 7 months now and none of Vince's friends have contacted me! Out of the very few friends I do have only one has contacted me once to see how I am. My own family has stopped talking to me. I feel so abandon. Are these people that busy with their own lives? I would be checking in if the tables were turned. Is it because Vince and I were separated? Do they don't think I didn't care about him? We were together over 30 years! Do they think I have just settled the estate and moved on? I am having a harder time now that when he first passed and my counselor tells me it may get worse before it gets better. And I am preparing myself. It would be wonderful for some of these people to just ask me how I am?! Are they afraid I will start a counseling session? Maybe they don't know what to say. Just saying I was thinking of you is enough! I don't reach out for help I solve my own problems. In my family I am the one who everyone leans on. Maybe they think I am okay. I can't say "I am not okay!" Everything that I am feeling gets in the way of asking.
Yesterday was one of the hardest days I have gone through and that doesn't make sense to me. Vince never gave me gifts or cards. And it really didn't bother me. But now that he is gone it rips me up. I guess I just wanted someone to remember me even though it is a fake holiday. Knowing what day it was just reminded me of what I never had and never will. It just remind me that people do not really care. There is no empathy for others. Maybe they don't know what you are feeling but it is nice to be asked. Makes me want to harden my own heart so I don't get hurt anymore. I really hate to think all these people are that self absorbed. Maybe I am better off alone.
Yesterday was one of the hardest days I have gone through and that doesn't make sense to me. Vince never gave me gifts or cards. And it really didn't bother me. But now that he is gone it rips me up. I guess I just wanted someone to remember me even though it is a fake holiday. Knowing what day it was just reminded me of what I never had and never will. It just remind me that people do not really care. There is no empathy for others. Maybe they don't know what you are feeling but it is nice to be asked. Makes me want to harden my own heart so I don't get hurt anymore. I really hate to think all these people are that self absorbed. Maybe I am better off alone.
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I think you hit the nail on the head when you said \"Maybe they don\'t know what to say.\" I am amazed at the things people say and don\'t say-- unless they\'ve been through grief, they really don\'t get it. People say things like \"I bet you\'re enjoying the peace and quiet.\" NO, I\"M NOT!!! People say \"You look great!\" when I\'m falling apart inside. I am so grateful to have a couple of people in my life who have experienced the loss of a spouse-- my best friend from high school is one of them-- I can call her and say \"Is this normal?\" and she understands. My therapist understands. Even other widows don\'t always understand because you and I, Spike, are dealing with complicated grief. It\'s hard to reach out and ask for what you need when people don\'t understand. I hope this journal and the Daily Strength group are helpful-- at least you know there are people who do care and who you can reach out to. The first two years are the hardest. You do need to protect yourself and care for yourself, and if that means retreating a little and avoiding people, so be it! It took me four years before I felt like emerging and joining the world again! (My mom died a year and a half after my husband, so that didn\'t help!) Take the time you need. Most people don\'t understand and can say things that hurt. Find the people who DO understand and reach out to them. Time will pass and it will hurt less. That\'s all I know from my experience.
I guess the most confusing thing is that my father lost his second wife to cancer and he doesn\'t seem to understand. Thank you for your words!!!!!!
Unfortunately your address book changes. At first I thought it was me. Was I such a horrible person that they only associated with me because of Tim. That just compounded the grief. Than I found DS and read how this happens to everyone.
Stay strong, Hugs, Sandi
Thanks Sandi! I will. It is the family thing that really bothers me.
Hi...my marriage, also. Had to detach from utter alcohol induced insanity times a thousand. ...had to put a lid on my heart and soul concerning Mark. Anyone in the ruthless throws of alcoholism. ...well...the deeper love equals the deeper pain. I wasn\'t there to keep him alive this time. He spent his last 3 years around the street folks. We had a memorial last evening. 2 of the folks were very drunk...so many things....in my head ....separating all the love and happy memories from the severely painful ones . I don\'t know what I\'m doing spike raven. From reading your posts, it made me feel like I could just get some of what\'s going on inside of me out
Laurie,
This complicated grief thing is the hardest to deal with. My husband was a saint to his friends and down right the worse to his family. They never saw what I saw and I VERY rarely saw what they did. It is hard and I am told takes longer to deal with! I will be having a service next month to spread his ashes and I am not looking forward to it. Many of his \"friends\" blame me for his death.